Modern Movies are Crap

Because we're all a bit thick, Hollywood, & the rest of the film industry (except independant's, obviously...) deems it necessary to spoon feed up muck. Don't let it dribble down your chin.

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Got Any Bee Hats?

..Y'know...hats.... for Bees

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Offall Machine!

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None of that jibba-jabba!

Whilst circumventing the globe via the intermerwebby, I've come across many things, but none of them so bizarre as this picture:

It's the stuff of nightmares. I've always had an aversion to puppets, and especially when you add food into the scenario. It's just plain wrong (That Dolmio advert is the creepiest thing on Telly) but now...now... I've found another combination that makes me feel a bit "clammy"...Muppet's & Mr Fucking T. Who'd of though it? I pity the fool that came up with this front cover. They should be shot in the mouth.

"Hey, I know, let's make a puppet Mr T!... "

Jesus save us.

You've bled me dry...I've got nothing more to say... try again next week."



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Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday.

So I've stopped trying....My boss has a wonderful imagination, which is why I can sit at my desk, scratching my arse, while she imagines that I'm "researching" on the intermerwebby...

so, during my research today, I came across this load of bum fluffery

• Frustrating,....addictive... just move the block into the hole... well... GO ON THEN!!
• The new Guinness Advert is fun
• Create any size wall poster from any size image
  
• 5 worst fight scenes in the movies ...
  
• Play Super Mario online (if you like, if not move on...)
• As a rule, I normally don't go in for "Guns and Ammo" type films, but this has got James Mcavoy (Atonement..), Angelina Jolie Morgan Freeman chucking themselves about and firing big weapons at bad guys it's also Directed b Russian nutter Timur Bekmambetov, who made "Night Watch" ... what's not to like?. "Wanted" Out in 2008, I'm already moist with anticipation
• Musicmesh is a music & video site type thingammy that lets you search a massive library of stuff... a bit like Pandora's music radio site, only with smashing super moving pictures, lovely
  
• I thought I was an idiot. But I'm not, becuase I can make an Origami Crane. It's the bollocks
  

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Charlie Brooker "Stalking" festival Continues

Yep, my affection for the man's continued genius, err, continues. I won't be satisfied until I have a framed restraining order on my wall. In the meantime, here's some moving pictures from Screen Wipe, in which he talks about Elimination Shows. Worth a watch just for part 2 in which he dresses as King Charles Brooker and rants a bit:

Part 2 here
Part 3 here

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David Blaine is Slightly Gay! (...Now That's Magic!)

This is where I want to live






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Another Blatent Friend Talent Plug: Carter Brown Rock!, Official!

I bumped into my friend Matt Russell earlier tonight, who is a total ROCK LEGEND (well, he will be...) and promised that I would plug the band that he's in CARTER BROWN. They, in my opinion, ROCK... how you say in English?...erm...THE BELLS!: you can listen to some of their tracks at their website.

They have a gig lined up at The Hope (formerly known as "Polar Central") in Brighton on 18th November. I will, most likely, be in the front row, throwing kisses and showing my tits. Feel free to join me.

here is there Myspace site:

CARTER BROWN is made up of guitarist and vocalist MATT RUSSELL, lead guitarist PAUL GELLATLY, bassist JAMES WHEELWRIGHT and drummer WILL CRYSELL.

After a year mostly spent, writing and recording, the band were approached last year by uber cool new indie label WORST CASE SCENARIO RECORDS and offered a single deal.

The first single "SAY HELLO" came out at the end of April 2006 in all good record shops on 7 inch vinyl and online through Universal digital distribution. Plans for a new 4 track demo to be recorded at Stakeout Studios for the end of May.

"I gotsta get me one of those!"

Ahh Betty Page. She dressed up in nice nice things just to make us all feel good Whhhoooaaaa there Betty!... when I'm in pursuit for truth and the meaning of deeper things on the intermerwebby, I often get distracted by a lady in stockings and a cheeky smile. Smashing..

If you like this sort of thing, "nice" fluffy pictures of lovely ladies who might have just accidentally dropped something on the floor, then we can be friends, if it's not, then you're dead to me.

Alberto Varga (my favourite) just blows me away with the detail in his work, you can check out some his best stuff here & here, seriously, have a look, & check your pulse while you're at it.

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Hello, I'm the Devil Incarnate

I originally posted the below article in March this year, because a) I really fucking hate Jeremy Kyle and b)... no, that's it. I fucking hate him.
It seem that "Jezza" has been in the press recently, some claims that he may, in fact, have some problems that would warrant him appearing on say, The Jerry Springer's show... oh, the irony is just to much to bear. I would eat what's left of my liver, just to see him in a Burberry Baseball cap and some Reebok Classics...

watch his stupid, pointless, empty life unfold here:


And here's the post again:

This is Jeremy Kyle..... Jeremy "Jezza" Kyle's imaginatively titled TV Show "The Jeremy Kyle Show" tells us all we need to know about the current social climate in the UK।

Well, it does, if sitting at home in your "Pineapple" tracksuit bottoms chuffing on 60 Rothmans, and scarfing down any fast food solids within reach, signifies the "Common Man or Woman in England"

If you shag anyone but your husband/wife/partner and them kill them to death, attempt murder in some heinous way, drink too much before beating your children within an inch of their lives then I suppose you could argue that the show might have niche appeal... they might as well call it "Jeremy Burns a Pikey to Death"

It's about as close to reality as say, Jerry springer was to anthropology.....I seriously don't get it, and , before we go on, let's make one thing absolutely clear; Jezza's only qualification is as a Television Presenter. Let's just repeat that again... let the statement roll around your tongue for a moment, whilst the reality of those words seep into your noggin'. He is not a qualified counselor, Phsycologist or psychiatrist , but never mind. He's got an amazingly over sized mouth, and knows some seven-letter-words. he also wears a suit, which makes him a fucking expert doesn't it.

It's a bloody miracle any of the guests actually get a word in, as he recants; "Listen to me ...Listen to me ...Listen to me ...Listen to me!""Look at me ...Look at me ...Look at me ...Look at me!" every thirty seconds until they just stare at him like they're watching a feather in the air...

The audience & viewers don't turn up or turn on, to watch stories of triumph over adversity, they're not hoping to explore the complex psychological dynamics of relationships presented with challenging external influences. They want to boo and shout random expletives at a parade of social pariahs and pantomime villains: all executed by the Circus Ringmaster Jezza, who's only slightly less sinister that Jeremy Beadle (it must be the name)

Is there anything more hypocritical than his hammed-up pretence of being deeply shocked, outraged and saddened whenever a guest opens their mouth to speak their tiny little thought out loud. I challenge you to give me a reason for his existence!

sorry, but I think he.is.a.C**t

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Dawn of the Dumb

I very nearly coughed up a bit of sick in excitement, when I heard the news that Charlie Brooker has just published a new book. "Dawn of the Dumb: Dispatches from the Idiotic Frontline" it's in the shops (and amazon.co.uk) right now!.. What are you doing?. Go and buy a copy NOW!.

here's a little sample of my hero's literary genius:

"I don't get people. What's their appeal, precisely? They waddle around with their haircuts on, cluttering the pavement like gormless, farting skittles. They're awful."

hahahahhahhahhahhahha...see...funny....

I thought I was his biggest fan (at least, that's what I scrawled in my own blood the last time I wrote to him) but this little nuglet of media fluffery completely passed me by: I really must get my head out from up his bum and take a look around from time to time:

If you're at all interested, you can read his archived articles for commentisfree.co.uk, right here, plus there's his Guardian's Screenburn archive here. BBC fluff on Brookers TV Show "Screenwipe" here.

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I found this...

...the least you could do is look at it... well.... GO ON THEN!

• Yeah... I was thinking about kicking back this weekend and doing some Meth. Nice
• I wanted to buy some art for my daughters nursery. No Fluffy Bunnies here.Lovely
• Are you a bit bored?Why not transform your skirt into a soda vending machine
  
• Art or Abuse? You decide (Warning, this is not for the feint hearted)
• A list of lists
  
• Just in case you find yourself accidentally in a Zombie Apocalypse, you might want to read this
  
• Books, online for Free, no catch. Now, read something...
  
• You know what you've done? You've sharpened that pencil all wrong. Idiot!
• Burning Man Festival (hard to describe...)
• Fark! sounds rude don't it?.
• Live Plasma, sort of a a-z of music, movies and stuff that's all nicely collated and that.

That's it...go on...bugger off

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Fight, Fight, Fight, Fight!

I'm the luckiest man alive!, yep, having a woman in your life that has the same utter contempt for celebland, and yet still has an uncontrollable urge to stare at them, unblinkingly... like road kill, means I get the best gossip, with added "bitchness". It's fucking ace!

The Macca-Stella-Pegleg-Mucca story just keeps on creeping on, like a 10 tonne haulage truck accidentally rolling toward a primary school. I'm loving every crazy second of it.

Now armed with recently updated sources of information (AKA my girlfriend*) I can reveal some interesting facts:

• After pegleg's meltdown on GMTV yesterday morning, every woman in the country took a Mobile text vote, and decided by a 81.5% landslide, that Heather Mills is absolutely mad-as-hens!
• Nobody actually cares if she is in possession of certain facts pertaining to her accusation that Sir Paul is in fact, a bit of a Cunt (sorry, I'm just saying verbatim what my source* told me)
• The real reason that Pegger's & Macca split was due to the low resonating hum that emitts from her fake leg, which can, in some cases, cause depression and the pox.
• Mills claims Sir P's daughter Stella was jealous of her and tried to wreck the marriage to her father...Oh, boo hoo.... They should put them in a ring and let them bitch fight it out. My money is on the "gutter pigeon" aka Heather Peg-Leg-Mills - I mean, she has a fake leg... she could beat the McCartney's out of you with it
• Mills compared herself to Princess Diana, Gandhi, the Queen and Bob Carolgees (porbably, sorry Bob), all of which have also suffered at the hands of the press. Rumours of her ability to walk on water, cure lepers and time travel have yet to be substantiated.

"Yeah, I know it says Lennon-McCartney on the credits.. but can we just change it to McCartney-Lennon?, I mean, what's the harm....."

Should have kept it in your pants mate

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Holy Crap!

Boo!

Halloween... Scary innit?... (six year old's, running around in crap pound shop masks, asking for sweeties, how fucking terrifying)

If you have a heart, this will scare the heavenly crap from it: Nosferatu and you can watch the film here. Prepare for poo pants:

My missus has become unhealthily obsessed with that useless sick up "Scary" telly programme, "Most Haunted" (I'm not fucking linking that shit!), she'll sit there, looking a bit unwell, genuinely frightened whilst Yvette Fielding shouts inane threats into the air ("Throw something at me") and then nothing much happens for about half an hour. except maybe the camera man will say, "Oh my God, I've been attacked by dust, by jimminy those ghost's are scary"

- rubbish

But, the best thing about the show, in my opinion, is the freaky northern presenter & "Medium" (hah!) Derek Acorah. His attendance in this apparent paranormal reality TV twittery is worth a single viewing, if for nothing else but to stare at his choice of attire... look at him!, Dressed like a slightly effeminate Mafioso boss. And then, there's his "spirit guide", "Sam" (strangely not listed in the shows credits. I'd be a bit peeved)

I hide behind my hands trying to ignore the images of Derek conversing with "Sam";

"Thank you Sam";

as he describes, in detail, how someone from the 18th Century lived in the mock Tudor house, and came to a grizzly end with pitchfork. I fucking hate "Most Haunted". I sincerely hope that when I die, I come back and scare the living giblets out of these half wits... I firmly believe that most Ghosts, spectres or whatever have better taste than to rock up to converse with Akorah!

(we're told that "Sam" is from Asian origin, and possibly a young boy.. of course he is, look at Akorah)

I tell you what though, these video's scared the dirty pants off me!

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Blatant Friend Talent Plug!

My part time drinking buddy and full time misanthrope Simon Dixon Paints stuff on canvases and then sells it....

When he's not sitting around with his pants rounds his ankles, scratching his balls, he does stuff I like to call "the shit" like the above two pictures: there is a whole plethora of other great images what he's drawn and painted and that, here.

A simple idea link's every image he paints. He chooses famous people, who have an interesting history, but picks the moment the subject truly began to enter the public eye. Every image therefore speaks clearly of change, determination and the passion of holding true to one¹s self-beliefs.

He's so fucking talented, I hate his dirty fucking guts! Buy one of his pictures to shut him up!

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