"Get a fucking polaroid of that!"


I feel unsusual, and really unuseful today... I have face ache, nose ache, ear ache and lung ache. My nose is like a dripping tap... everything hurts.

So, to celebrate I thought you'd all like this*
(*actually...I don't really care if you like it or not, it makes me fucking laugh...)


Taken from Peter Cook & Dudley Moore's "Derek & Clive's Ad Nauseam"


"Records"

CLIVE: You know that, er, fucking Guinness Book of Records?

DEREK: Mmmm.

CLIVE: I've always wanted to be in there becau- .....

DEREK: Mmm-mm-mm.

CLIVE: ..... 'cause they've got all the records that people have done things, you know, for the longest and .....

DEREK: Shortest.

CLIVE: ..... highest and everything 'n' that. And, erm, I was in, er, the living room the other day and, er, I felt I was going to sneeze, you know.

DEREK: Mmm.

CLIVE: And I suddenly thought: 'Well, no, fuck it, I won't sneeze, I'll reserve it'. And every half-hour when I wanted to sneeze, you know, I reserved it instead of blowing it out into the hanky an' that. And when I'd got a good pile of it up my nose and - I think it was running down my troat actually 'cause I had so much of it, you know, .....

DEREK: Yeah, yeah.

CLIVE: ..... gradually building up.

DEREK: Right.

CLIVE: I thought: 'I'll try and establish the Guinness Book of Records' record for the longest trail of snot in the world'.

CLIVE: And, er, I just sat there, you know, and I thought I had enough. I thought I had about at least ten yards. And I .....

DEREK: Is that all?

CLIVE: ..... I was watching, erm, '3-2-1' with Ted Rogers.

DEREK: Mmmm.

CLIVE: And, er, great programme, that, c-, I got a bit carried away during it .....

DEREK: (laughs)

CLIVE: ..... and I almost forgot that I had this, you know, tonnes of snot up my nose and down my throat and it was almost beginning to kill me. And I thought: 'What am I doing?' And I suddenly realised what I was doing, and so .....

DEREK: You were fucking breaking the world record, mate, that's what you were doing.

CLIVE: I was breaking the world record, that was what I was after!

DEREK: Yeah.

CLIVE: So, very delicately, I put up my forefinger and my thumb .....

DEREK: Mm-hmmm.

CLIVE: ..... to my nose. And I thought: 'Oh fuck, I've gone and fucked it', 'cause the first bit I got was very hard and I thought: 'It's all gone hard and I won't be able string it out at all'. But, as luck would have it, you know, it was only the first bit .....

DEREK: Yeah.

CLIVE: ..... which had got clotted and hard. And .....

DEREK: Well, it had probably been in contact with the air, you see, just got a bit .....

CLIVE: It had been-, yes, on the outside of the nostril, there.

DEREK: ..... bit dried out. Unlike Weetabix which gets soggy after fucking no time.

CLIVE: But, anyway, I pulled and I pulled, you know, .....

DEREK: Yeah-h-h.

CLIVE: ..... I was getting a good length going .....

DEREK: Ohh, fucking lovely, mate, I wish I .....

CLIVE: ..... and I thought I'd, erm, .....

DEREK: Tch, phhwww .....

CLIVE: ..... I'd try and get right over to the light fitting on the right, you know, .....

DEREK: Mmm.

CLIVE: ..... we have a light fitting to the right of the sofa.

DEREK: That's about ten foot away, right?

CLIVE: Ten yards away.

DEREK: Ten yards away? Oh-h, I thought it was ten foot.

CLIVE: But the only problem was it kept looping, you know, .....

DEREK: Ohhh, yeah.

CLIVE: ..... like, er, like fucking spaghetti, you know.

DEREK: Well, bogies do that, they loop.

CLIVE: Y-, they looped.

DEREK: Mmm.

CLIVE: And my fear was they'd touch the floor .....

DEREK: S-

CLIVE: ..... pick up dust and get disqualified.

DEREK: Oh, what, for sagging t-, in-, you know, .....

CLIVE: Yeah, you can't afford .....

DEREK: ..... inexoribly.

CLIVE: ..... to let your bogey sag. And, it seemed like hours .....

DEREK: Yeah.

CLIVE: ..... it probably was only about, erm, ten minutes.

DEREK: Well, no, fucking right, yeah.

CLIVE: But I got to the wall, hung this dry bogey ......

DEREK: Did you use that sticky stuff t-, to, er, .....

CLIVE: ..... on the light socket.

DEREK: ..... t-, to, you know, make it sure i-, make sure it was there.

CLIVE: Yeah, I got a kind of plastic gummy stuff which, erm, .....

DEREK: Yeah, 'll .....

CLIVE: ..... is very much like a bogey.

DEREK: Mmm.

CLIVE: Which you can get a Woolworths. And I stuck the bogey to the-, to the wall just under the light fitting and then I - very cautiously - drew back, you know, .....

DEREK: Yeah.

CLIVE: ..... hanging it out, .....

DEREK: Yeah.

CLIVE: ..... er, in my wake, so to speak.

DEREK: Yeah, so of just very easily .....

CLIVE: Yeah.

DEREK: Well, you .....

CLIVE: So I had about-, about a ten yard loop of green snot, you know, between my nose and the wall and I suddenly panicked 'cause I know the Guinness Book of Records requires verification. So I called Dolly .....

DEREK: Oh-h, blimey, you were .....

CLIVE: I said, "Dolly, get in here .....

DEREK: ..... crafty!

CLIVE: I said, "Dolly, get in here quick with the polaroid, I want a witness of this ten yard line of snot", and, er, she said, "Oh, no, I can't, I'm busy, you know, I'm .....

DEREK: Fucking stupid cow.

CLIVE: ..... busy.

DEREK: 'cause she didn't realise .....

CLIVE: An' I said-, I said-, I said, "LOOK, I'M GOING FOR THE FUCKING GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS FOR A LONG TRAIL OF SNOT, I'VE GOT TEN YARDS HERE FOR YOU TO PHOTOGRAPH AND IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME YOU STARTED BEHAVING LIKE A WIFE!!!" And because I got over-heated .....

DEREK: Yeah, .....

CLIVE: ..... the chain bro- .....

DEREK: .... she suddenly got interested.

CLIVE: No, no, no, .....

DEREK: No?

CLIVE: ..... the chain broke.

DEREK: Oh, FUCK!!

CLIVE: So, by the time she got in with the polaroid .....

DEREK: What a cunt.

CLIVE: ..... all I had was a long line of .....

DEREK: Oh, don't tell me, re-

CLIVE: ..... snot on the floor.

DEREK: Oh, FUCK HER! FUCKING CUNT!! HOW DARE SHE DO THAT TO YOU? MY MATE! FUCKING DESTROYING YOUR-, YOUR BOGEY LIKE THAT!

CLIVE: Shall I-, shall I tell-, shall I tell you-

DEREK: OH, FUCKING SLAG!

CLIVE: SHALL I TELL YOU WHAT I DID? SHALL I TELL YOU WHAT I DID?

DEREK: Ohh ..... go on.

CLIVE: I said, "Dolly, .....

DEREK: Yeah, f-

CLIVE: ..... you've tested me in the past," .....

DEREK: Oh, fuck her.

CLIVE: ..... I said, "we've been married fourteen years .....

DEREK: Right.

CLIVE: ..... and you've tried a number of things. I was about to get into the Guinness Book of Records for the longest yardage of snot ......

DEREK: Phhwww!

CLIVE: ..... between one nostril and the wall, and you let me down. And shall I tell you what I'm going to do NOW? I'M GONNA GET THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS TO RECOGNISE ME .....

DEREK: (laughs)

CLIVE: ..... AS THE NUMBER ONE CUNT KICKER-IN IN THE WORLD!!" AND I SPREAD HER LEGS APART AND I PUT MY HUGE GREAT NAILED SHOES ON AND I KICKED HER! AND I KICKED HER IN THE CUNT FOR HALF A FUCKING HOUR 'TIL I WAS EXHAUSTED! AND THEN I SAID, "DOLLY! WILL YOU GET A POLAROID OF THAT?!" And the cunt wouldn't even get up!

DEREK: What a CUNT!


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Modern Movies are Crap




Because we're all a bit thick, Hollywood, & the rest of the film industry (except independant's, obviously...) deems it necessary to spoon feed up muck. Don't let it dribble down your chin.
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Got Any Bee Hats?

..Y'know...hats.... for Bees

Offall Machine!















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None of that jibba-jabba!

Whilst circumventing the globe via the intermerwebby, I've come across many things, but none of them so bizarre as this picture:


It's the stuff of nightmares. I've always had an aversion to puppets, and especially when you add food into the scenario. It's just plain wrong (That Dolmio advert is the creepiest thing on Telly) but now...now... I've found another combination that makes me feel a bit "clammy"...Muppet's & Mr Fucking T. Who'd of though it? I pity the fool that came up with this front cover. They should be shot in the mouth.


"Hey, I know, let's make a puppet Mr T!... "

Jesus save us.

You've bled me dry...I've got nothing more to say... try again next week."



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Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday.

So I've stopped trying....My boss has a wonderful imagination, which is why I can sit at my desk, scratching my arse, while she imagines that I'm "researching" on the intermerwebby...

so, during my research today, I came across this load of bum fluffery

  • Frustrating,....addictive... just move the block into the hole... well... GO ON THEN!!
  • The new Guinness Advert is fun
  • Create any size wall poster from any size image
  • 5 worst fight scenes in the movies ...
  • Play Super Mario online (if you like, if not move on...)
  • As a rule, I normally don't go in for "Guns and Ammo" type films, but this has got James Mcavoy (Atonement..), Angelina Jolie Morgan Freeman chucking themselves about and firing big weapons at bad guys it's also Directed b Russian nutter Timur Bekmambetov, who made "Night Watch" ... what's not to like?. "Wanted" Out in 2008, I'm already moist with anticipation
  • Musicmesh is a music & video site type thingammy that lets you search a massive library of stuff... a bit like Pandora's music radio site, only with smashing super moving pictures, lovely
  • I thought I was an idiot. But I'm not, becuase I can make an Origami Crane. It's the bollocks



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Charlie Brooker "Stalking" festival Continues

Yep, my affection for the man's continued genius, err, continues. I won't be satisfied until I have a framed restraining order on my wall. In the meantime, here's some moving pictures from Screen Wipe, in which he talks about Elimination Shows. Worth a watch just for part 2 in which he dresses as King Charles Brooker and rants a bit:

Part 2 here
Part 3 here






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David Blaine is Slightly Gay! (...Now That's Magic!)




This is where I want to live







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Another Blatent Friend Talent Plug: Carter Brown Rock!, Official!



I bumped into my friend Matt Russell earlier tonight, who is a total ROCK LEGEND (well, he will be...) and promised that I would plug the band that he's in CARTER BROWN. They, in my opinion, ROCK... how you say in English?...erm...THE BELLS!: you can listen to some of their tracks at their website.

They have a gig lined up at The Hope (formerly known as "Polar Central") in Brighton on 18th November. I will, most likely, be in the front row, throwing kisses and showing my tits. Feel free to join me.

here is there Myspace site:

CARTER BROWN is made up of guitarist and vocalist MATT RUSSELL, lead guitarist PAUL GELLATLY, bassist JAMES WHEELWRIGHT and drummer WILL CRYSELL.

After a year mostly spent, writing and recording, the band were approached last year by uber cool new indie label WORST CASE SCENARIO RECORDS and offered a single deal.

The first single "SAY HELLO" came out at the end of April 2006 in all good record shops on 7 inch vinyl and online through Universal digital distribution. Plans for a new 4 track demo to be recorded at Stakeout Studios for the end of May.









"I gotsta get me one of those!"




























Ahh Betty Page. She dressed up in nice nice things just to make us all feel good Whhhoooaaaa there Betty!... when I'm in pursuit for truth and the meaning of deeper things on the intermerwebby, I often get distracted by a lady in stockings and a cheeky smile. Smashing..


If you like this sort of thing, "nice" fluffy pictures of lovely ladies who might have just accidentally dropped something on the floor, then we can be friends, if it's not, then you're dead to me.

Alberto Varga (my favourite) just blows me away with the detail in his work, you can check out some his best stuff here & here, seriously, have a look, & check your pulse while you're at it.





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Hello, I'm the Devil Incarnate

I originally posted the below article in March this year, because a) I really fucking hate Jeremy Kyle and b)... no, that's it. I fucking hate him.
It seem that "Jezza" has been in the press recently, some claims that he may, in fact, have some problems that would warrant him appearing on say, The Jerry Springer's show... oh, the irony is just to much to bear. I would eat what's left of my liver, just to see him in a Burberry Baseball cap and some Reebok Classics...

watch his stupid, pointless, empty life unfold here:


And here's the post again:

This is Jeremy Kyle..... Jeremy "Jezza" Kyle's imaginatively titled TV Show "The Jeremy Kyle Show" tells us all we need to know about the current social climate in the UK।
Well, it does, if sitting at home in your "Pineapple" tracksuit bottoms chuffing on 60 Rothmans, and scarfing down any fast food solids within reach, signifies the "Common Man or Woman in England"
If you shag anyone but your husband/wife/partner and them kill them to death, attempt murder in some heinous way, drink too much before beating your children within an inch of their lives then I suppose you could argue that the show might have niche appeal... they might as well call it "Jeremy Burns a Pikey to Death"
It's about as close to reality as say, Jerry springer was to anthropology.....I seriously don't get it, and , before we go on, let's make one thing absolutely clear; Jezza's only qualification is as a Television Presenter. Let's just repeat that again... let the statement roll around your tongue for a moment, whilst the reality of those words seep into your noggin'. He is not a qualified counselor, Phsycologist or psychiatrist , but never mind. He's got an amazingly over sized mouth, and knows some seven-letter-words. he also wears a suit, which makes him a fucking expert doesn't it.
It's a bloody miracle any of the guests actually get a word in, as he recants; "Listen to me ...Listen to me ...Listen to me ...Listen to me!""Look at me ...Look at me ...Look at me ...Look at me!" every thirty seconds until they just stare at him like they're watching a feather in the air...
The audience & viewers don't turn up or turn on, to watch stories of triumph over adversity, they're not hoping to explore the complex psychological dynamics of relationships presented with challenging external influences. They want to boo and shout random expletives at a parade of social pariahs and pantomime villains: all executed by the Circus Ringmaster Jezza, who's only slightly less sinister that Jeremy Beadle (it must be the name)
Is there anything more hypocritical than his hammed-up pretence of being deeply shocked, outraged and saddened whenever a guest opens their mouth to speak their tiny little thought out loud. I challenge you to give me a reason for his existence!
sorry, but I think he.is.a.C**t



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Dawn of the Dumb

I very nearly coughed up a bit of sick in excitement, when I heard the news that Charlie Brooker has just published a new book. "Dawn of the Dumb: Dispatches from the Idiotic Frontline" it's in the shops (and amazon.co.uk) right now!.. What are you doing?. Go and buy a copy NOW!.


here's a little sample of my hero's literary genius:


"I don't get people. What's their appeal, precisely? They waddle around with their haircuts on, cluttering the pavement like gormless, farting skittles. They're awful."

hahahahhahhahhahhahha...see...funny....
I thought I was his biggest fan (at least, that's what I scrawled in my own blood the last time I wrote to him) but this little nuglet of media fluffery completely passed me by: I really must get my head out from up his bum and take a look around from time to time:

If you're at all interested, you can read his archived articles for commentisfree.co.uk, right here, plus there's his Guardian's Screenburn archive here. BBC fluff on Brookers TV Show "Screenwipe" here.

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I found this...

...the least you could do is look at it... well.... GO ON THEN!


  • Yeah... I was thinking about kicking back this weekend and doing some Meth. Nice
  • I wanted to buy some art for my daughters nursery. No Fluffy Bunnies here.Lovely
  • Are you a bit bored?Why not transform your skirt into a soda vending machine
  • Art or Abuse? You decide (Warning, this is not for the feint hearted)
  • A list of lists
  • Just in case you find yourself accidentally in a Zombie Apocalypse, you might want to read this
  • Books, online for Free, no catch. Now, read something...
  • You know what you've done? You've sharpened that pencil all wrong. Idiot!
  • Burning Man Festival (hard to describe...)
  • Fark! sounds rude don't it?.
  • Live Plasma, sort of a a-z of music, movies and stuff that's all nicely collated and that.
That's it...go on...bugger off


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Fight, Fight, Fight, Fight!


I'm the luckiest man alive!, yep, having a woman in your life that has the same utter contempt for celebland, and yet still has an uncontrollable urge to stare at them, unblinkingly... like road kill, means I get the best gossip, with added "bitchness". It's fucking ace!

The Macca-Stella-Pegleg-Mucca story just keeps on creeping on, like a 10 tonne haulage truck accidentally rolling toward a primary school. I'm loving every crazy second of it.

Now armed with recently updated sources of information (AKA my girlfriend*) I can reveal some interesting facts:
  • After pegleg's meltdown on GMTV yesterday morning, every woman in the country took a Mobile text vote, and decided by a 81.5% landslide, that Heather Mills is absolutely mad-as-hens!
  • Nobody actually cares if she is in possession of certain facts pertaining to her accusation that Sir Paul is in fact, a bit of a Cunt (sorry, I'm just saying verbatim what my source* told me)
  • The real reason that Pegger's & Macca split was due to the low resonating hum that emitts from her fake leg, which can, in some cases, cause depression and the pox.
  • Mills claims Sir P's daughter Stella was jealous of her and tried to wreck the marriage to her father...Oh, boo hoo.... They should put them in a ring and let them bitch fight it out. My money is on the "gutter pigeon" aka Heather Peg-Leg-Mills - I mean, she has a fake leg... she could beat the McCartney's out of you with it
  • Mills compared herself to Princess Diana, Gandhi, the Queen and Bob Carolgees (porbably, sorry Bob), all of which have also suffered at the hands of the press. Rumours of her ability to walk on water, cure lepers and time travel have yet to be substantiated.

"Yeah, I know it says Lennon-McCartney on the credits.. but can we just change it to McCartney-Lennon?, I mean, what's the harm....."


Should have kept it in your pants mate


Holy Crap!

Boo!

Halloween... Scary innit?... (six year old's, running around in crap pound shop masks, asking for sweeties, how fucking terrifying)


If you have a heart, this will scare the heavenly crap from it: Nosferatu and you can watch the film here. Prepare for poo pants:

My missus has become unhealthily obsessed with that useless sick up "Scary" telly programme, "Most Haunted" (I'm not fucking linking that shit!), she'll sit there, looking a bit unwell, genuinely frightened whilst Yvette Fielding shouts inane threats into the air ("Throw something at me") and then nothing much happens for about half an hour. except maybe the camera man will say, "Oh my God, I've been attacked by dust, by jimminy those ghost's are scary"

- rubbish

But, the best thing about the show, in my opinion, is the freaky northern presenter & "Medium" (hah!) Derek Acorah. His attendance in this apparent paranormal reality TV twittery is worth a single viewing, if for nothing else but to stare at his choice of attire... look at him!, Dressed like a slightly effeminate Mafioso boss. And then, there's his "spirit guide", "Sam" (strangely not listed in the shows credits. I'd be a bit peeved)


I hide behind my hands trying to ignore the images of Derek conversing with "Sam";


"Thank you Sam";

as he describes, in detail, how someone from the 18th Century lived in the mock Tudor house, and came to a grizzly end with pitchfork. I fucking hate "Most Haunted". I sincerely hope that when I die, I come back and scare the living giblets out of these half wits... I firmly believe that most Ghosts, spectres or whatever have better taste than to rock up to converse with Akorah!

(we're told that "Sam" is from Asian origin, and possibly a young boy.. of course he is, look at Akorah)

I tell you what though, these video's scared the dirty pants off me!


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Blatant Friend Talent Plug!






















My part time drinking buddy and full time misanthrope Simon Dixon Paints stuff on canvases and then sells it....
When he's not sitting around with his pants rounds his ankles, scratching his balls, he does stuff I like to call "the shit" like the above two pictures: there is a whole plethora of other great images what he's drawn and painted and that, here.
A simple idea link's every image he paints. He chooses famous people, who have an interesting history, but picks the moment the subject truly began to enter the public eye. Every image therefore speaks clearly of change, determination and the passion of holding true to one¹s self-beliefs.
He's so fucking talented, I hate his dirty fucking guts! Buy one of his pictures to shut him up!


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Gay Friday

Because we separate, it ripples our reflections...


Aaaahhhhhh yes.....
Those lovely fluffy bunnies that we call Radiohead , have caused a bit of a muffin fuss recently. Their new album, "In Rainbows" is not available in the shops (shocker..) but you can download it from their website, and, here's the "controversial" bit - you can either download it for nish, or, if you'd prefer , actually pay for their talents to gently cusp your ear genitals. (if you get my meaning?)
As my long suffering girlfriend will testify, I...fucking love... Radiohead. I'm not a complete cunt about it, but I really think they are my generation's Pink Floyd (Okay, okay, throw stones if you have to, but I don't really give a fuck!)
She will often look at me, and roll here eyes as I gaze off into some distant void, mouthing the words to "Let Down", "Exit Music(for a film)" or maybe "Nice Dream" like some sort of Gay....
I've read a couple of reviews:
Which all bang on endlessly, but y'know what, they all say the same thing to one degree or another, which is that "In Rainbows" is pretty, pretty, pretty good. And I have to agree.
It really isn't "The Bends" or "OK Computer" or even "Amnesiac" or "Hail to the Thief" but it has some of the stronger points of all of those albums, with some really, achingly beautiful moments, all of its own. I'm not going to go into anymore detail than that (but Reckoner is a fucking great tune...)
Here endeth the lesson.
Amen

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Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive.


"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"
is, purely and simply... heartbreaking.

With a script by Charlie Kaufman (
Adaptation, Being John Malkovich) and direction from Michel Gondry (later to make the excellent, if slightly incomplete Science of Sleep) you are getting a lot of film for your money.

Brilliantly written, perfect dialogue (I would actually say painful, haunting and passionate dialogue) incredibly creative direction, this is one of those Science Fiction/Love Story/Comedy type things that come along once in a while, right(?). Well, actually, no...

Fair enough, it is difficult to put this into a genre, but, that just makes me like this film all the more.

I'm struggling here to give this it fair criticism, without weeping into a week old tissue. OK, it's far from perfect, and if you don't like Jim Carrey, or Kate Winselt, then you are a bit buggered, but hell, they are both flawless in their roles.

For an absolutely brilliant synopsis of what they hell this is all about, you'd do worse to look here.

but in a brief style, here's what you need to know about the story:

"A couple undergo a procedure to erase each other from their memories when their relationship turns sour, but it is only through the process of loss that they discover what they had to begin with"

It won the Oscar for best original screenplay, and Kate Winslet was nominated for best performance by an actress in a leading role. (Which is nice)

Now, excuse me while I go a big wobbly one and die of dehydration from all tears I've shed... you have been warned.







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"D'oh!"


apparantly, this is what I'd look like, if I were a character on The Simpsons. you can have a go here

Bansky!

If you don't know who Banksy is then you're either a bit of a twat, or you've been trapped under something heavy for about a decade, and therefore haven't looked out of your window for a little bit. there's some new stuff on his website. Check it



There's also a book. Which is nice.



I was a little bit bored today

So, to fill the time, I copied this

...absolute genius

"Money won is twice as sweet as money earned"

2) The Color of Money (1986)

Backing up a bit here...... in, err.... 1959, an author by the name of Walter Tevis wrote a book called "The Hustler". It was a big hit, and just under two years later became the film that put Paul Newman back on the map, as the cool pool shark, "Fast" Eddie Felson.
faaaaast forward just around 30 years, and some smart Alec thought it would be a great idea to make the sequel to "The Hustler", called: "The Color of Money" into a film. Clever little shit...
But.... they asked themselves, who could possibly play the cocky, rough diamond to Newmans uber cool, shady but learned elder? Who, huh? Who Damn it!.
The question must have been one of the toughest on the table. I mean, you've got Newman, who's practically royalty by this time, but hadn't really had a hot film since Slap Shot in 1977 (and even then we're not talking about a block buster). The last thing they wanted is for someone to upstage his highness....
But on closer inspection, to a large degree, the Book is about exactly this. Younger generations looking bemused at the older generation of hustlers "code of the game".
someone must have been given a really rather large bonus when "Tom Cruise" agreed to sign on the line that is dotted:
The Cruiser had been, well.... err, "cruising" along really rather quite well. 1983, already in the can was "The Outsiders", and also in '83 were "Risky Business" & "All The Right Moves". Then came the film that pretty much sold a zillion pairs or RayBan's (I bought a pair too) "Top Gun".
OK, we'll save all the discussion about Mr C for another time. Suffice to say that he was about a B.I.G as you could be at the tender age of 12 years old (or whatever, he looks about 12 in the poster)
And so to the film:
So what we got?.
  • Have we got two ego's big enough to fill the roles, and therefore fill cinema seats?. Check.
  • Have we got a massively influential Director, much praised and respect for his ability to raise the bar in modern Cinematic terms, not to mention summing up the word "zeitgeist"?. Check. (Scorsese, you dummies...)
  • What about a script. Check! (Richard Price, later to write Sea of Love....)

Well fuck me silly, we've got ourselves a movie!.... go go go go.

And now see, here's the thing: this film sort of didn't do quite as well as everyone expected. What!. Why?...

Looking back at the hype prior to release you can see why people might have been disappointed. Cruise, whilst really, really good in this film, just doesn't prepare the audience to not like him too much. Newman, on the other hand is smooth, smouldering and extremely fucking cool. I don't think anyone was really ready for his character to be so... complete. Newman had come from another time, to show Cruise how it's done. The ending might even have seemed unsatisfactory, leaving many story threads unresloved. Just like life does, sometimes

If you're going to read on good review of the time (good, as in well written) go here

Now, in 2007, I suggest this is one of the purest films of the 1980's. Scorsese here is a man at the top of his game. Not showing off using circus tricks in his filming, editing, cut scenes. The script is honest, sassy, and almost entirely believable. The soundtrack is really good, and there's not a hint of the saccharine taste that so many films of the time left in your mouth.

you only have to look at how both actors progressed through the late 1980's and into the 1990's. Both of whom still appearing in influential films to this day. OK, "The Color of Money" may not of been a box office hit. It may not be either star's best work (or the Directors...) but it is brave, honest, gritty and above all entertaining. if you have already, I strongly suggest you watch this movie.

"We were always small time, but we were never clowns"




People often laugh about the popular movies of the 1980's. And, to be fair, there are some good reasons too. What then, seemed like honest to goodness story telling, or a fantastically new idea, or just plain family values, now, can seem, saccharine, plodding, manipulative rubbish. And don't even mention the clothes.


but, amongst the, err... well... shit, there were also some really, really, really good films. I'm not going to attempt to list a zillion 1980's beauties , that would be really fucking boring, but I am going to attempt a list of of about five you've probably forgotten to remember:


So, to start us off, is this little gem:

A very brief synopsis:
Brothers, Jack and Frank Baker, have been playing lounges as a piano duo for over 30 years. But things are changing, the world is not so interested in their idea of “entertainment” anymore, in fact, they’re getting paid to not play. Frank decides they need a female vocalist to keep the act going. During auditions the come across Suzie Diamond, who can really put a song over, and the act takes off. But when relations between Suzie and Jack, the younger, less committed, and more talented brother, briefly becomes more than professional, tensions surface between all three
OK... You got Director, Steve Kloves , (who's now more well known now for the Harry Potter Franhcise) and, doesn't hang about drawing us into what is a memorable, atmospheric city of the never ending night. And immediately we're given visual nods to the two main character's traits(played by real life brothers Jeff & Beau Bridges). Frank, uptight, practical, and a little self righteous, Jack, laid back, cynical, never without a cigarette. (Jeff Bridges is effortlessly cool in this film)
This could be considered a subtle deconstruction of men lost in a time that has passed. These guys live in a netherworld that few can say still exists. And there is just enough cheese, chintz and cocktail umbrellas to remind us that the time they've come from has passed for a good reason.
But there's no rush, no hurry to tell this tale.. just like the nigth clubs and lounge bars it so beautifully reconstructs, the film itself understands that the night can crawl along at a slow pace, ebbing it's way through a scotch, a cigarette and a rendition of "feelings"
Oh, and I haven't even got to the best bit yet. It's got Michelle Pfeiffer playing Suzie Diamond, they're acid tonged, femme fatale saviour. You may say to yourself right now "oh yeah, now, where do I know here from", Dangerous Liaisons, & Witches of East Wick came before, sure... but everyone remembers Ms Pfeiffer for this reason:





If you haven't see this film, or are wondeing if it might look remotely 1980's trying to look like the 1950's it so wonderfully alludes to, don't worry. It doesn't.
What this film has in spades is pure, unadulterated, class, not to mention a script that will have you wryly smiling, as well as feeling slightly hot under the collar looking at the sublime Ms Pfieffer (and that 'aint a word I use too often). There is just no way that you cannot enjoy this story unfolding.

and underneath it all, the story has so many facets that just keep you coming back time after time. It's about Brothers, Family, bonds that cannot be broken, and dream that often are.

I dare you not to lbe moved by this movie.....











"Work is the scourge of the drinking classes"

So it’s Friday and, I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling a bit mingy after last night. I was excited that it was nearly the weekend and got pissed by mistake.

My girlfriend, and most of our little crew, seem to have been drinking more than usual this week (I'm on Doctors orders to cut down, due to my Liver currently being the size of The Isle of White. What does he know!)

Oh yeah, I’ve got an appetite for destruction today!, and feeling every bit a rebel. And as sick as a pike! Today’s post is in honour of all things a slightly “wrong” – do not click on any of these links!

that is all....

"You've Gotta be in it to win it, Innit?"


Back in the olden days, when Big Brother was just an innocent little anthropological study, but on telly - you could sort of feel something close to empathy for some of the people that entered such a bizarre competition. I mean, we can't all be Einstein can we, but at worst, our stupidity is only shared with say, our partners and close friends, and not, for example, the entire fucking country who actually tuned in

Any hooo... moving on 6 or 7 years later, and isn't Big Brother just so much more sophisticated, eh?...

This is not some blatant flag waving psycho Circus, this is serious, relevant, referential television. This is the truth we're living right now.... Oh. My. Christ.

In medical terms…. research, advancement & cure are common watch words – And, in the sciences, new developments occur on a daily basis; Y'know the kind of thing, can we grow a human ear on the back of a mouse, fuck yeah!, can we, for example, make sheep's out of some old bit of spunk and a dish cloth?, check.... but wait .... can we make a bionic arm/leg/face/lung? and attach it to someone who really, let's face it, doesn't fucking deserve to experience such medical advancement because they're a bit thick....? check, check, and I think, now let me see, yep!, check again....

Next thing y'know they'll be growing us, like Mushrooms, in Larders and cupboards under the stairs.....

And if they do - y'know what they’ll be growing?... Will it surprise you if I say I have a theory?

Hideous little hybrids like the awful oxygen thief Charley from this year’s Big Brother –

Jesus Fucking Christ.

This c-list-star-fucking-under-achieving-attention-seeking-half-wit should not have been given a tongue. The experiment went wrong…

And now, we have to suffer the incredulous megalomaniacal little goblets of turd that fall forth from her stupid mouth.

Jade was the mark 1 version of a mushroom…. I’m so sorry for the things I’ve said in the past Jade. All is forgiven.

We’ve all asked for this. It’s our fault. We’ve created a monster made under the stairs by some 13 year boy in a crazed first chemical experiment.

And now, many will walk among us in her form, looking normal, but speaking absolute complete and utter incomprehensible sick from their stupid hybrid little mouth holes.

And there no escape, because now we have “Baby Ballroom” - yep, that’s right… can you feel the bile…. They’re breeding creepy little shits that look like humans but in dance outfits …..

You only have yourselves to blame…
this is the end

Telly's Brilliant, Innit?


"... if something important happens anywhere in the world, day or night, you can always change the channel. " (Quote from the 1970's TV show "Taxi")


My mental TV landscape is not one of northerners talking about sheep-dip , nor is it cockney's trying to sell fruit from a "barrah" or havin' it off with the daughter of their brothers cousin. : No, my earliest TV memories are things like the Hill Street Blues theme tune, Six Million Dollar Man, Knight Rider, Harold Lloyd, Taxi, The Red Hand Gang, Twilight Zone, (it's no coincidence that all these shows come from across the pond)


And it's directly down to these shows, these TV memories, that I am who I am; Indeed, it's fair to say that American TV has subconsciously shaped my views on almost everything I believe in, I have become Americanised. (this would make sense of my shallow insincerity, and need to make everyone in the room laugh once every 15 seconds...)


It's no coincidence then, that when my girlfriend & I went to New York last February, I felt that I was literally inside a TV show. New York, & America, has all the colours turned up.... just a little bit. It is a country of extremes, everything is jurned up, or down, just a little bit;
Food is cheap, plentiful and accessible, yet the US also have some of the worst figures for food related poverty in the west. Sex is on show everywhere, in fact the US is the highest consumer of Porn related materials in the world, and yet has by contrast one of the most puritanical ideologies - and, to be honest, prudish sensibilites. There are in excess of 300 TV channesl in the US, more if you include Public Access TV, but flicking through the channels you would be forgiven to thin there are actually only a few shows ever on; "Friends", "Desperate Housewives", "Lost" or "2obloody4"

British TV, by contrast, can be a bit "twee" & amateur. However, well knownwe are to do extremely good Drama. Our D rama series' are heavily exported and extremely popular in countries such as the US, Australia and Japan (go figure).

Shows like "Our Friends in the North" "State of Play" & "Shameless" have enjoyed viewing figures to put other home grown shows to shame. In fact "State of Play" is currently in US development as a Film, with Brad Pitt linked to the project.
Also, UK TV comedy has had yet another second life, thanks to shows like "The Office" & "Black Books" as two examples, in recent years... (even though Gervaise openly admits being heavily influenced by US shows like "Seinfeld", "Arrested Development" & "Curb Your Enthusiasm", but we're not allowed to mention that....)


At the risk of treading slightly into Charlie Brookers territory, Telly is important. It's hugely influential in parts both good & bad.I'm not going to argue the Anthropological theories here, but I will use one case in point.




The Crazy Frog is/was a animation created to sell a ring tone. It really is as simple as that. Some people got uptight because the animated advert that was used to sell the ring tone, did show the the Crazy Frog's knackers... but ultimately, it was a vehicle to sell a product.


Because of Telly though, it became something else entirely. Despite the fact that the ring tone was rubbish, it sold in it's millions, and then, get this, they released a single that became number one in the UK top 40 charts, apparently it was number one for a million years. There is also a video game.... absolute genius, there are cartoons, sticker books, colouring in books. Sandwich boxed, rucksacks, Coffee cups. Are you getting the picture?


Telly is so good that, becuase Crazy Frog was pumped into our living rooms day after day, we actually went into shops, got out our wallets and handed over money to listen to an animated frog that had been created to sell a FUCKING RING TONE.


I think that pretty much sums it up really. We deserve everything we get.


(Orginally posted in March, or somthing...)


Hideous over achieving attention seeker alert!


there are something like 50 Million Blogs out there in the wilderness - all I can hope that the odd passer by looks at something here & doesn't think it's shit!
The things people will do to get attention



TV Journalist Christine Chubbuck , July 15, 1974 shot herself in the noggin on live telly!. I mean, SHE WAS ALREADY ON TELLY, how much attention do you need. She was probably just a bit tired.

It's not unusual for young children to do a runner, in the vain attempt at punishing their parents for not giving them enough chips for tea or something, adults should just know better - this story just takes it to a whole other level;

In Hollywood the normal rules don't apply: Attention seeking can go too far, often resulting in deaths that are always intriguing, and sometimes a little weird;


  • Peter Finch: died of massive heart attack while promoting the film Network . He was first and only actor to ever receive an Oscar posthumously; "I'm as mad as Hell, & I'm not gonna take it anymore!"

  • Montgomery Clift: 1957 Smashed his car into a telephone pole after leaving a jolly at the home Elizabeth Taylor. Clift needed plastic surgery, his handsome appearance permanently disfigured. The "before and after" face of Clift was obvious. Clift became ever so slightly hooked on booze and pills (well, you would...), and his health deteriorated. Clift died in 1966 at aged 45 , of complications brought on by his "slight" fags/booze/pills addictions

  • Judy Garland: (The Wizard of Oz.). Official cause of death: barbiturate poisoning "incautious self-over dosage", otherwise translated as, Utter madness made her think that 1 bottle of pills was a reasonable amount to take. Gay men still weep.

  • Elizabeth Short: AKA "The Black Dahlia" - Most disturbing of them all! Aspiring film actress found in a vacant lot in downtown L.A. her body had been "savagely mutilated" and "hacked in half at the waist." No one has ever been arrested in connection with the murder. But hey, it's OK, Coz they made a film about it

  • But for my money, one of the best "Look at me, I'm mad, me" attention seekers of the last 50 years just has to be Mr Evel Knievel: on his official website there is this absolute classic paragraph:

Some career highlights include:


1) Jan. 1968 - Crashed in an attempt to clear the fountains at Caesar's Palace in Los Vegas


2) May 1971 - Crashed in an attempt to clear 13 Pepsi Cola trucks in Yakima


3) March 1972 - Suffered serious injury in San Francisco's Cow Palace when his motorcycle crashed in a very difficult landing area.


4) September 1974 - After two unsuccessful unmanned test flights Evel decided to keep his word to his fans and risked his life in a specially constructed rocket powered "Skycycle" in an attempt to clear the Snake River Canyon in Idaho. Even though he made it across the quarter mile wide chasm, strong winds blew the malfunctioning parachute back into the canyon, landing just a few feet from the swirling river in which he would have surely drowned.


5) May 1975 A record crowd of over 90,000 at Wembley Stadium in London, England watched as Evel crashed upon landing, breaking his pelvis after clearing 13 double-tiered buses.


Watch this crazed hero of my childhood fall off bikes here. Call me cynical, but that's 5 career highlights I can live without!. Better still, buy one of your own.


Bless Evel, that crazy ol' drunken wife beater is still alive and suing the shit out of Kanye West for adopting a "certain likeness" in a recent Music Video ; Raise a glass to the maddest redneck on a motorbike you'll ever see jumping over stuff, needlessly (sensible people drive around...)

Where are the good heroes these days?