I feel unsusual, and really unuseful today... I have face ache, nose ache, ear ache and lung ache. My nose is like a dripping tap... everything hurts.
So, to celebrate I thought you'd all like
this*(*actually...I don't really care if you like it or not, it makes me fucking laugh...)
Taken from Peter Cook & Dudley Moore's "Derek & Clive's Ad Nauseam""Records"
CLIVE: You know that, er, fucking Guinness Book of Records?
DEREK: Mmmm.
CLIVE: I've always wanted to be in there becau- .....
DEREK: Mmm-mm-mm.
CLIVE: ..... 'cause they've got all the records that people have done things, you know, for the longest and .....
DEREK: Shortest.
CLIVE: ..... highest and everything 'n' that. And, erm, I was in, er, the living room the other day and, er, I felt I was going to sneeze, you know.
DEREK: Mmm.
CLIVE: And I suddenly thought: 'Well, no, fuck it, I won't sneeze, I'll reserve it'. And every half-hour when I wanted to sneeze, you know, I reserved it instead of blowing it out into the hanky an' that. And when I'd got a good pile of it up my nose and - I think it was running down my troat actually 'cause I had so much of it, you know, .....
DEREK: Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE: ..... gradually building up.
DEREK: Right.
CLIVE: I thought: 'I'll try and establish the Guinness Book of Records' record for the longest trail of snot in the world'.
CLIVE: And, er, I just sat there, you know, and I thought I had enough. I thought I had about at least ten yards. And I .....
DEREK: Is that all?
CLIVE: ..... I was watching, erm, '3-2-1' with Ted Rogers.
DEREK: Mmmm.
CLIVE: And, er, great programme, that, c-, I got a bit carried away during it .....
DEREK: (laughs)
CLIVE: ..... and I almost forgot that I had this, you know, tonnes of snot up my nose and down my throat and it was almost beginning to kill me. And I thought: 'What am I doing?' And I suddenly realised what I was doing, and so .....
DEREK: You were fucking breaking the world record, mate, that's what you were doing.
CLIVE: I was breaking the world record, that was what I was after!
DEREK: Yeah.
CLIVE: So, very delicately, I put up my forefinger and my thumb .....
DEREK: Mm-hmmm.
CLIVE: ..... to my nose. And I thought: 'Oh fuck, I've gone and fucked it', 'cause the first bit I got was very hard and I thought: 'It's all gone hard and I won't be able string it out at all'. But, as luck would have it, you know, it was only the first bit .....
DEREK: Yeah.
CLIVE: ..... which had got clotted and hard. And .....
DEREK: Well, it had probably been in contact with the air, you see, just got a bit .....
CLIVE: It had been-, yes, on the outside of the nostril, there.
DEREK: ..... bit dried out. Unlike Weetabix which gets soggy after fucking no time.
CLIVE: But, anyway, I pulled and I pulled, you know, .....
DEREK: Yeah-h-h.
CLIVE: ..... I was getting a good length going .....
DEREK: Ohh, fucking lovely, mate, I wish I .....
CLIVE: ..... and I thought I'd, erm, .....
DEREK: Tch, phhwww .....
CLIVE: ..... I'd try and get right over to the light fitting on the right, you know, .....
DEREK: Mmm.
CLIVE: ..... we have a light fitting to the right of the sofa.
DEREK: That's about ten foot away, right?
CLIVE: Ten yards away.
DEREK: Ten yards away? Oh-h, I thought it was ten foot.
CLIVE: But the only problem was it kept looping, you know, .....
DEREK: Ohhh, yeah.
CLIVE: ..... like, er, like fucking spaghetti, you know.
DEREK: Well, bogies do that, they loop.
CLIVE: Y-, they looped.
DEREK: Mmm.
CLIVE: And my fear was they'd touch the floor .....
DEREK: S-
CLIVE: ..... pick up dust and get disqualified.
DEREK: Oh, what, for sagging t-, in-, you know, .....
CLIVE: Yeah, you can't afford .....
DEREK: ..... inexoribly.
CLIVE: ..... to let your bogey sag. And, it seemed like hours .....
DEREK: Yeah.
CLIVE: ..... it probably was only about, erm, ten minutes.
DEREK: Well, no, fucking right, yeah.
CLIVE: But I got to the wall, hung this dry bogey ......
DEREK: Did you use that sticky stuff t-, to, er, .....
CLIVE: ..... on the light socket.
DEREK: ..... t-, to, you know, make it sure i-, make sure it was there.
CLIVE: Yeah, I got a kind of plastic gummy stuff which, erm, .....
DEREK: Yeah, 'll .....
CLIVE: ..... is very much like a bogey.
DEREK: Mmm.
CLIVE: Which you can get a Woolworths. And I stuck the bogey to the-, to the wall just under the light fitting and then I - very cautiously - drew back, you know, .....
DEREK: Yeah.
CLIVE: ..... hanging it out, .....
DEREK: Yeah.
CLIVE: ..... er, in my wake, so to speak.
DEREK: Yeah, so of just very easily .....
CLIVE: Yeah.
DEREK: Well, you .....
CLIVE: So I had about-, about a ten yard loop of green snot, you know, between my nose and the wall and I suddenly panicked 'cause I know the Guinness Book of Records requires verification. So I called Dolly .....
DEREK: Oh-h, blimey, you were .....
CLIVE: I said, "Dolly, get in here .....
DEREK: ..... crafty!
CLIVE: I said, "Dolly, get in here quick with the polaroid, I want a witness of this ten yard line of snot", and, er, she said, "Oh, no, I can't, I'm busy, you know, I'm .....
DEREK: Fucking stupid cow.
CLIVE: ..... busy.
DEREK: 'cause she didn't realise .....
CLIVE: An' I said-, I said-, I said, "LOOK, I'M GOING FOR THE FUCKING GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS FOR A LONG TRAIL OF SNOT, I'VE GOT TEN YARDS HERE FOR YOU TO PHOTOGRAPH AND IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME YOU STARTED BEHAVING LIKE A WIFE!!!" And because I got over-heated .....
DEREK: Yeah, .....
CLIVE: ..... the chain bro- .....
DEREK: .... she suddenly got interested.
CLIVE: No, no, no, .....
DEREK: No?
CLIVE: ..... the chain broke.
DEREK: Oh, FUCK!!
CLIVE: So, by the time she got in with the polaroid .....
DEREK: What a cunt.
CLIVE: ..... all I had was a long line of .....
DEREK: Oh, don't tell me, re-
CLIVE: ..... snot on the floor.
DEREK: Oh, FUCK HER! FUCKING CUNT!! HOW DARE SHE DO THAT TO YOU? MY MATE! FUCKING DESTROYING YOUR-, YOUR BOGEY LIKE THAT!
CLIVE: Shall I-, shall I tell-, shall I tell you-
DEREK: OH, FUCKING SLAG!
CLIVE: SHALL I TELL YOU WHAT I DID? SHALL I TELL YOU WHAT I DID?
DEREK: Ohh ..... go on.
CLIVE: I said, "Dolly, .....
DEREK: Yeah, f-
CLIVE: ..... you've tested me in the past," .....
DEREK: Oh, fuck her.
CLIVE: ..... I said, "we've been married fourteen years .....
DEREK: Right.
CLIVE: ..... and you've tried a number of things. I was about to get into the Guinness Book of Records for the longest yardage of snot ......
DEREK: Phhwww!
CLIVE: ..... between one nostril and the wall, and you let me down. And shall I tell you what I'm going to do NOW? I'M GONNA GET THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS TO RECOGNISE ME .....
DEREK: (laughs)
CLIVE: ..... AS THE NUMBER ONE CUNT KICKER-IN IN THE WORLD!!" AND I SPREAD HER LEGS APART AND I PUT MY HUGE GREAT NAILED SHOES ON AND I KICKED HER! AND I KICKED HER IN THE CUNT FOR HALF A FUCKING HOUR 'TIL I WAS EXHAUSTED! AND THEN I SAID, "DOLLY! WILL YOU GET A POLAROID OF THAT?!" And the cunt wouldn't even get up!
DEREK: What a CUNT!
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