nevermind

So it’s Friday and, I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling a bit mingy after last night. I was excited that it was nearly the weekend and got pissed by mistake.

My girlfriend, and most of our little crew, seem to have been drinking more than usual this week (I'm on Doctors orders to cut down, due to my Liver currently being the size of The Isle of White. What does he know!)

Oh yeah, I’ve got an appetite for destruction today!, and feeling every bit a rebel. And as sick as a pike! Today’s post is in honour of all things a slightly “wrong” – do not click on any of these links!

"Ohhhh, that crack's very moorish isn't it?" :
When I'm a bit peckish, I eat my own scabs, how about you?
Not funny, not ironic, just fucking awful; seriously, do not look here if you're feeling slightly weepy.
YUMMY!
Ever wake up in the middle of the night and think "y'know, I'm just not happy with the foreskin I've currently got..." well, worry no more....
If you haven't seen Napoleon Dynamite, Don't Worry... Neither has this little prick...

that is all....

"You've Gotta be in it to win it, Innit?"

Back in the olden days, when Big Brother was just an innocent little anthropological study, but on telly - you could sort of feel something close to empathy for some of the people that entered such a bizarre competition. I mean, we can't all be Einstein can we, but at worst, our stupidity is only shared with say, our partners and close friends, and not, for example, the entire fucking country who actually tuned in

Any hooo... moving on 6 or 7 years later, and isn't Big Brother just so much more sophisticated, eh?...

This is not some blatant flag waving psycho Circus, this is serious, relevant, referential television. This is the truth we're living right now.... Oh. My. Christ.

In medical terms…. research, advancement & cure are common watch words – And, in the sciences, new developments occur on a daily basis; Y'know the kind of thing, can we grow a human ear on the back of a mouse, fuck yeah!, can we, for example, make sheep's out of some old bit of spunk and a dish cloth?, check.... but wait .... can we make a bionic arm/leg/face/lung? and attach it to someone who really, let's face it, doesn't fucking deserve to experience such medical advancement because they're a bit thick....? check, check, and I think, now let me see, yep!, check again....

Next thing y'know they'll be growing us, like Mushrooms, in Larders and cupboards under the stairs.....

And if they do - y'know what they’ll be growing?... Will it surprise you if I say I have a theory?

Hideous little hybrids like the awful oxygen thief Charley from this year’s Big Brother –

Jesus Fucking Christ.

This c-list-star-fucking-under-achieving-attention-seeking-half-wit should not have been given a tongue. The experiment went wrong…

And now, we have to suffer the incredulous megalomaniacal little goblets of turd that fall forth from her stupid mouth.

Jade was the mark 1 version of a mushroom…. I’m so sorry for the things I’ve said in the past Jade. All is forgiven.

We’ve all asked for this. It’s our fault. We’ve created a monster made under the stairs by some 13 year boy in a crazed first chemical experiment.

And now, many will walk among us in her form, looking normal, but speaking absolute complete and utter incomprehensible sick from their stupid hybrid little mouth holes.

And there no escape, because now we have “Baby Ballroom” - yep, that’s right… can you feel the bile…. They’re breeding creepy little shits that look like humans but in dance outfits …..

You only have yourselves to blame…

this is the end

Telly's Brilliant, Innit?

"... if something important happens anywhere in the world, day or night, you can always change the channel. " (Quote from the 1970's TV show "Taxi")

My mental TV landscape is not one of northerners talking about sheep-dip , nor is it cockney's trying to sell fruit from a "barrah" or havin' it off with the daughter of their brothers cousin. : No, my earliest TV memories are things like the Hill Street Blues theme tune, Six Million Dollar Man, Knight Rider, Harold Lloyd, Taxi, The Red Hand Gang, Twilight Zone, (it's no coincidence that all these shows come from across the pond)

And it's directly down to these shows, these TV memories, that I am who I am; Indeed, it's fair to say that American TV has subconsciously shaped my views on almost everything I believe in, I have become Americanised. (this would make sense of my shallow insincerity, and need to make everyone in the room laugh once every 15 seconds...)

It's no coincidence then, that when my girlfriend & I went to New York last February, I felt that I was literally inside a TV show. New York, & America, has all the colours turned up.... just a little bit. It is a country of extremes, everything is jurned up, or down, just a little bit;

Food is cheap, plentiful and accessible, yet the US also have some of the worst figures for food related poverty in the west. Sex is on show everywhere, in fact the US is the highest consumer of Porn related materials in the world, and yet has by contrast one of the most puritanical ideologies - and, to be honest, prudish sensibilites. There are in excess of 300 TV channesl in the US, more if you include Public Access TV, but flicking through the channels you would be forgiven to thin there are actually only a few shows ever on; "Friends", "Desperate Housewives", "Lost" or "2obloody4"

British TV, by contrast, can be a bit "twee" & amateur. However, well knownwe are to do extremely good Drama. Our D rama series' are heavily exported and extremely popular in countries such as the US, Australia and Japan (go figure).

Shows like "Our Friends in the North" "State of Play" & "Shameless" have enjoyed viewing figures to put other home grown shows to shame. In fact "State of Play" is currently in US development as a Film, with Brad Pitt linked to the project.

Also, UK TV comedy has had yet another second life, thanks to shows like "The Office" & "Black Books" as two examples, in recent years... (even though Gervaise openly admits being heavily influenced by US shows like "Seinfeld", "Arrested Development" & "Curb Your Enthusiasm", but we're not allowed to mention that....)

At the risk of treading slightly into Charlie Brookers territory, Telly is important. It's hugely influential in parts both good & bad.I'm not going to argue the Anthropological theories here, but I will use one case in point.

The Crazy Frog:

The Crazy Frog is/was a animation created to sell a ring tone. It really is as simple as that. Some people got uptight because the animated advert that was used to sell the ring tone, did show the the Crazy Frog's knackers... but ultimately, it was a vehicle to sell a product.

Because of Telly though, it became something else entirely. Despite the fact that the ring tone was rubbish, it sold in it's millions, and then, get this, they released a single that became number one in the UK top 40 charts, apparently it was number one for a million years. There is also a video game.... absolute genius, there are cartoons, sticker books, colouring in books. Sandwich boxed, rucksacks, Coffee cups. Are you getting the picture?

Telly is so good that, becuase Crazy Frog was pumped into our living rooms day after day, we actually went into shops, got out our wallets and handed over money to listen to an animated frog that had been created to sell a FUCKING RING TONE.

I think that pretty much sums it up really. We deserve everything we get.

(Orginally posted in March, or somthing...)

Bettie Be Thy Name

Hideous over achieving attention seeker alert!

there are something like 50 Million Blogs out there in the wilderness - all I can hope that the odd passer by looks at something here & doesn't think it's shit!

The things people will do to get attention

TV Journalist Christine Chubbuck , July 15, 1974 shot herself in the noggin on live telly!. I mean, SHE WAS ALREADY ON TELLY, how much attention do you need. She was probably just a bit tired.

It's not unusual for young children to do a runner, in the vain attempt at punishing their parents for not giving them enough chips for tea or something, adults should just know better - this story just takes it to a whole other level;

In Hollywood the normal rules don't apply: Attention seeking can go too far, often resulting in deaths that are always intriguing, and sometimes a little weird;

Peter Finch: died of massive heart attack while promoting the film Network . He was first and only actor to ever receive an Oscar posthumously; "I'm as mad as Hell, & I'm not gonna take it anymore!"

Montgomery Clift: 1957 Smashed his car into a telephone pole after leaving a jolly at the home Elizabeth Taylor. Clift needed plastic surgery, his handsome appearance permanently disfigured. The "before and after" face of Clift was obvious. Clift became ever so slightly hooked on booze and pills (well, you would...), and his health deteriorated. Clift died in 1966 at aged 45 , of complications brought on by his "slight" fags/booze/pills addictions

Judy Garland: (The Wizard of Oz.). Official cause of death: barbiturate poisoning "incautious self-over dosage", otherwise translated as, Utter madness made her think that 1 bottle of pills was a reasonable amount to take. Gay men still weep.

Elizabeth Short: AKA "The Black Dahlia" - Most disturbing of them all! Aspiring film actress found in a vacant lot in downtown L.A. her body had been "savagely mutilated" and "hacked in half at the waist." No one has ever been arrested in connection with the murder. But hey, it's OK, Coz they made a film about it

But for my money, one of the best "Look at me, I'm mad, me" attention seekers of the last 50 years just has to be Mr Evel Knievel: on his official website there is this absolute classic paragraph:

Some career highlights include:

1) Jan. 1968 - Crashed in an attempt to clear the fountains at Caesar's Palace in Los Vegas

2) May 1971 - Crashed in an attempt to clear 13 Pepsi Cola trucks in Yakima

3) March 1972 - Suffered serious injury in San Francisco's Cow Palace when his motorcycle crashed in a very difficult landing area.

4) September 1974 - After two unsuccessful unmanned test flights Evel decided to keep his word to his fans and risked his life in a specially constructed rocket powered "Skycycle" in an attempt to clear the Snake River Canyon in Idaho. Even though he made it across the quarter mile wide chasm, strong winds blew the malfunctioning parachute back into the canyon, landing just a few feet from the swirling river in which he would have surely drowned.

5) May 1975 A record crowd of over 90,000 at Wembley Stadium in London, England watched as Evel crashed upon landing, breaking his pelvis after clearing 13 double-tiered buses.

Watch this crazed hero of my childhood fall off bikes here. Call me cynical, but that's 5 career highlights I can live without!. Better still, buy one of your own.

Bless Evel, that crazy ol' drunken wife beater is still alive and suing the shit out of Kanye West for adopting a "certain likeness" in a recent Music Video ; Raise a glass to the maddest redneck on a motorbike you'll ever see jumping over stuff, needlessly (sensible people drive around...)

Where are the good heroes these days?