nevermind: telly

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Charlie Brooker "Stalking" festival Continues

Yep, my affection for the man's continued genius, err, continues. I won't be satisfied until I have a framed restraining order on my wall. In the meantime, here's some moving pictures from Screen Wipe, in which he talks about Elimination Shows. Worth a watch just for part 2 in which he dresses as King Charles Brooker and rants a bit:

Part 2 here
Part 3 here

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Hello, I'm the Devil Incarnate

I originally posted the below article in March this year, because a) I really fucking hate Jeremy Kyle and b)... no, that's it. I fucking hate him.
It seem that "Jezza" has been in the press recently, some claims that he may, in fact, have some problems that would warrant him appearing on say, The Jerry Springer's show... oh, the irony is just to much to bear. I would eat what's left of my liver, just to see him in a Burberry Baseball cap and some Reebok Classics...

watch his stupid, pointless, empty life unfold here:

And here's the post again:

This is Jeremy Kyle..... Jeremy "Jezza" Kyle's imaginatively titled TV Show "The Jeremy Kyle Show" tells us all we need to know about the current social climate in the UK।

Well, it does, if sitting at home in your "Pineapple" tracksuit bottoms chuffing on 60 Rothmans, and scarfing down any fast food solids within reach, signifies the "Common Man or Woman in England"

If you shag anyone but your husband/wife/partner and them kill them to death, attempt murder in some heinous way, drink too much before beating your children within an inch of their lives then I suppose you could argue that the show might have niche appeal... they might as well call it "Jeremy Burns a Pikey to Death"

It's about as close to reality as say, Jerry springer was to anthropology.....I seriously don't get it, and , before we go on, let's make one thing absolutely clear; Jezza's only qualification is as a Television Presenter. Let's just repeat that again... let the statement roll around your tongue for a moment, whilst the reality of those words seep into your noggin'. He is not a qualified counselor, Phsycologist or psychiatrist , but never mind. He's got an amazingly over sized mouth, and knows some seven-letter-words. he also wears a suit, which makes him a fucking expert doesn't it.

It's a bloody miracle any of the guests actually get a word in, as he recants; "Listen to me ...Listen to me ...Listen to me ...Listen to me!""Look at me ...Look at me ...Look at me ...Look at me!" every thirty seconds until they just stare at him like they're watching a feather in the air...

The audience & viewers don't turn up or turn on, to watch stories of triumph over adversity, they're not hoping to explore the complex psychological dynamics of relationships presented with challenging external influences. They want to boo and shout random expletives at a parade of social pariahs and pantomime villains: all executed by the Circus Ringmaster Jezza, who's only slightly less sinister that Jeremy Beadle (it must be the name)

Is there anything more hypocritical than his hammed-up pretence of being deeply shocked, outraged and saddened whenever a guest opens their mouth to speak their tiny little thought out loud. I challenge you to give me a reason for his existence!

sorry, but I think he.is.a.C**t

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Dawn of the Dumb

I very nearly coughed up a bit of sick in excitement, when I heard the news that Charlie Brooker has just published a new book. "Dawn of the Dumb: Dispatches from the Idiotic Frontline" it's in the shops (and amazon.co.uk) right now!.. What are you doing?. Go and buy a copy NOW!.

here's a little sample of my hero's literary genius:

"I don't get people. What's their appeal, precisely? They waddle around with their haircuts on, cluttering the pavement like gormless, farting skittles. They're awful."

hahahahhahhahhahhahha...see...funny....

I thought I was his biggest fan (at least, that's what I scrawled in my own blood the last time I wrote to him) but this little nuglet of media fluffery completely passed me by: I really must get my head out from up his bum and take a look around from time to time:

If you're at all interested, you can read his archived articles for commentisfree.co.uk, right here, plus there's his Guardian's Screenburn archive here. BBC fluff on Brookers TV Show "Screenwipe" here.

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I found this...

...the least you could do is look at it... well.... GO ON THEN!

Yeah... I was thinking about kicking back this weekend and doing some Meth. Nice
I wanted to buy some art for my daughters nursery. No Fluffy Bunnies here.Lovely
Are you a bit bored?Why not transform your skirt into a soda vending machine
Art or Abuse? You decide (Warning, this is not for the feint hearted)
A list of lists
Just in case you find yourself accidentally in a Zombie Apocalypse, you might want to read this
Books, online for Free, no catch. Now, read something...
You know what you've done? You've sharpened that pencil all wrong. Idiot!
Burning Man Festival (hard to describe...)
Fark! sounds rude don't it?.
Live Plasma, sort of a a-z of music, movies and stuff that's all nicely collated and that.

That's it...go on...bugger off

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Holy Crap!

Boo!

Halloween... Scary innit?... (six year old's, running around in crap pound shop masks, asking for sweeties, how fucking terrifying)

If you have a heart, this will scare the heavenly crap from it: Nosferatu and you can watch the film here. Prepare for poo pants:

My missus has become unhealthily obsessed with that useless sick up "Scary" telly programme, "Most Haunted" (I'm not fucking linking that shit!), she'll sit there, looking a bit unwell, genuinely frightened whilst Yvette Fielding shouts inane threats into the air ("Throw something at me") and then nothing much happens for about half an hour. except maybe the camera man will say, "Oh my God, I've been attacked by dust, by jimminy those ghost's are scary"

- rubbish

But, the best thing about the show, in my opinion, is the freaky northern presenter & "Medium" (hah!) Derek Acorah. His attendance in this apparent paranormal reality TV twittery is worth a single viewing, if for nothing else but to stare at his choice of attire... look at him!, Dressed like a slightly effeminate Mafioso boss. And then, there's his "spirit guide", "Sam" (strangely not listed in the shows credits. I'd be a bit peeved)

I hide behind my hands trying to ignore the images of Derek conversing with "Sam";

"Thank you Sam";

as he describes, in detail, how someone from the 18th Century lived in the mock Tudor house, and came to a grizzly end with pitchfork. I fucking hate "Most Haunted". I sincerely hope that when I die, I come back and scare the living giblets out of these half wits... I firmly believe that most Ghosts, spectres or whatever have better taste than to rock up to converse with Akorah!

(we're told that "Sam" is from Asian origin, and possibly a young boy.. of course he is, look at Akorah)

I tell you what though, these video's scared the dirty pants off me!

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"You've Gotta be in it to win it, Innit?"

Back in the olden days, when Big Brother was just an innocent little anthropological study, but on telly - you could sort of feel something close to empathy for some of the people that entered such a bizarre competition. I mean, we can't all be Einstein can we, but at worst, our stupidity is only shared with say, our partners and close friends, and not, for example, the entire fucking country who actually tuned in

Any hooo... moving on 6 or 7 years later, and isn't Big Brother just so much more sophisticated, eh?...

This is not some blatant flag waving psycho Circus, this is serious, relevant, referential television. This is the truth we're living right now.... Oh. My. Christ.

In medical terms…. research, advancement & cure are common watch words – And, in the sciences, new developments occur on a daily basis; Y'know the kind of thing, can we grow a human ear on the back of a mouse, fuck yeah!, can we, for example, make sheep's out of some old bit of spunk and a dish cloth?, check.... but wait .... can we make a bionic arm/leg/face/lung? and attach it to someone who really, let's face it, doesn't fucking deserve to experience such medical advancement because they're a bit thick....? check, check, and I think, now let me see, yep!, check again....

Next thing y'know they'll be growing us, like Mushrooms, in Larders and cupboards under the stairs.....

And if they do - y'know what they’ll be growing?... Will it surprise you if I say I have a theory?

Hideous little hybrids like the awful oxygen thief Charley from this year’s Big Brother –

Jesus Fucking Christ.

This c-list-star-fucking-under-achieving-attention-seeking-half-wit should not have been given a tongue. The experiment went wrong…

And now, we have to suffer the incredulous megalomaniacal little goblets of turd that fall forth from her stupid mouth.

Jade was the mark 1 version of a mushroom…. I’m so sorry for the things I’ve said in the past Jade. All is forgiven.

We’ve all asked for this. It’s our fault. We’ve created a monster made under the stairs by some 13 year boy in a crazed first chemical experiment.

And now, many will walk among us in her form, looking normal, but speaking absolute complete and utter incomprehensible sick from their stupid hybrid little mouth holes.

And there no escape, because now we have “Baby Ballroom” - yep, that’s right… can you feel the bile…. They’re breeding creepy little shits that look like humans but in dance outfits …..

You only have yourselves to blame…

this is the end

Telly's Brilliant, Innit?

"... if something important happens anywhere in the world, day or night, you can always change the channel. " (Quote from the 1970's TV show "Taxi")

My mental TV landscape is not one of northerners talking about sheep-dip , nor is it cockney's trying to sell fruit from a "barrah" or havin' it off with the daughter of their brothers cousin. : No, my earliest TV memories are things like the Hill Street Blues theme tune, Six Million Dollar Man, Knight Rider, Harold Lloyd, Taxi, The Red Hand Gang, Twilight Zone, (it's no coincidence that all these shows come from across the pond)

And it's directly down to these shows, these TV memories, that I am who I am; Indeed, it's fair to say that American TV has subconsciously shaped my views on almost everything I believe in, I have become Americanised. (this would make sense of my shallow insincerity, and need to make everyone in the room laugh once every 15 seconds...)

It's no coincidence then, that when my girlfriend & I went to New York last February, I felt that I was literally inside a TV show. New York, & America, has all the colours turned up.... just a little bit. It is a country of extremes, everything is jurned up, or down, just a little bit;

Food is cheap, plentiful and accessible, yet the US also have some of the worst figures for food related poverty in the west. Sex is on show everywhere, in fact the US is the highest consumer of Porn related materials in the world, and yet has by contrast one of the most puritanical ideologies - and, to be honest, prudish sensibilites. There are in excess of 300 TV channesl in the US, more if you include Public Access TV, but flicking through the channels you would be forgiven to thin there are actually only a few shows ever on; "Friends", "Desperate Housewives", "Lost" or "2obloody4"

British TV, by contrast, can be a bit "twee" & amateur. However, well knownwe are to do extremely good Drama. Our D rama series' are heavily exported and extremely popular in countries such as the US, Australia and Japan (go figure).

Shows like "Our Friends in the North" "State of Play" & "Shameless" have enjoyed viewing figures to put other home grown shows to shame. In fact "State of Play" is currently in US development as a Film, with Brad Pitt linked to the project.

Also, UK TV comedy has had yet another second life, thanks to shows like "The Office" & "Black Books" as two examples, in recent years... (even though Gervaise openly admits being heavily influenced by US shows like "Seinfeld", "Arrested Development" & "Curb Your Enthusiasm", but we're not allowed to mention that....)

At the risk of treading slightly into Charlie Brookers territory, Telly is important. It's hugely influential in parts both good & bad.I'm not going to argue the Anthropological theories here, but I will use one case in point.

The Crazy Frog:

The Crazy Frog is/was a animation created to sell a ring tone. It really is as simple as that. Some people got uptight because the animated advert that was used to sell the ring tone, did show the the Crazy Frog's knackers... but ultimately, it was a vehicle to sell a product.

Because of Telly though, it became something else entirely. Despite the fact that the ring tone was rubbish, it sold in it's millions, and then, get this, they released a single that became number one in the UK top 40 charts, apparently it was number one for a million years. There is also a video game.... absolute genius, there are cartoons, sticker books, colouring in books. Sandwich boxed, rucksacks, Coffee cups. Are you getting the picture?

Telly is so good that, becuase Crazy Frog was pumped into our living rooms day after day, we actually went into shops, got out our wallets and handed over money to listen to an animated frog that had been created to sell a FUCKING RING TONE.

I think that pretty much sums it up really. We deserve everything we get.

(Orginally posted in March, or somthing...)

R.I.P: Mike Reid

A Few Months ago I wrote a tribute to one of my biggest childhood heroes, Mr Cockney Himself, Mike Reid:

Mike went into The Big Jellied Eel Shop In The Sky over the weekend -

As Tribute to the man, I've re posted the below - Pray silence please, for the only cockney I ever Loved. Mike Reid.

......................................................................................

You basically cannot get any more Cockney than Mike Reid's character Frank Butcher from Eastenders. It's against the Laws of Engerland....

Famous for, among other things, these "classics";

"What do you think I am, some kind of pilchard?"

"You get smart with me pal, I'll come down there and give you a dry slap"

OK, taken out of context, it's not exactly Shakespeare... but you just can't get better than Mike; he started out as a comedian (first appearing on "The Comedians", which at the time was fairly cutting edge stuff, but today looks incredibly dated with its' mother-in-law jokes and "blue material") and TV Show Host (my childhood memories consist of Mike bellowing out "Run Araaahhhnnd"

Most people know & Love him as Frank Butcher from Eastenders; But he's also done some other quality, heavier parts, in my opinion, most notably in the tragically unknown "underworld" in which he plays a murderous Taxi Driver. absolute classic performance.

It's widely assumed that our friends over the water haven't got a fucking clue what we're talking about most of the time. Films like "Snatch" & "The Long Good Friday" are often met with frowns associated with foreign language films, which I suppose they are, (it's not unknown for the US Audience to use subtitles. what you really need is some kind of babel fish! ) this handy translator should help theidiots from now on, and here's a useful list if you're ever up in town, use these words as often as possible in order that you "blend in" and you don't draw unnecessary attention to yourself;

Brass = Broke No Money (also "easy lady")
Blower = Phone
Yard or Manor = Home
Filth, Copper,Old Bill, Pigs, Fuzz, Rozzers = Police
Gash, Pum Pum, Wifey = Girlfriend
Grass or Snake = An informer
Hookie, Sucked, Jacked = Stolen Items
Jack Jones = to be alone
Iron or Iron Hoof = Homosexual

Yes - we love stereo types, or at least, I do: Eel Pie & Mash, Isle of Dogs, Pearly Kings & Queens, Greyhound Racing, Alf Garnett,
gangalnd shootings -

There is nothing, nothing better in life, than a proper fucking Cockney - "Boiled Onions"

...."Two Old Chairs in the back of the Van Ee Eye Ee Eye Oh, "

"T'rific"

You basically cannot get any more Cockney than Mike Reid's character Frank Butcher from Eastenders. It's against the Laws of Engerland....

Famous for, among other things, these "classics";

"What do you think I am, some kind of pilchard?"

"You get smart with me pal, I'll come down there and give you a dry slap"

Brass = Broke No Money (also "easy lady")
Blower = Phone
Yard or Manor = Home
Filth, Copper,Old Bill, Pigs, Fuzz, Rozzers = Police
Gash, Pum Pum, Wifey = Girlfriend
Grass or Snake = An informer
Hookie, Sucked, Jacked = Stolen Items
Jack Jones = to be alone
Iron or Iron Hoof = Homosexual

...."Two Old Chairs in the back of the Van Ee Eye Ee Eye Oh, "

"What shall we do now Mark?.....

Build a tent in the living room and eat Dairy lea? Is that what you want? 'Cos that's what's gonna happen!"

-Jeremy: Peep Show, Series 2

Hussah! Peep Show returns to UK screens on Friday 13th April for series 4. Prepare to laugh until you're a bit sick on yourself....

All 3 previous series are up on my tube right now: They've also set up a myspace page with video and pic's and stuff. It really is one of the best shows on on UK telly.
YOU MUST WATCH: If you don't know who "Super Hans" is.....

"that Crack really is moorish...."

The great thing about television is.....

".... that if something important happens anywhere in the world, day or night, you can always change the channel. " (Quote from the 1970's TV show "Taxi")