Telly's Brilliant, Innit?

"... if something important happens anywhere in the world, day or night, you can always change the channel. " (Quote from the 1970's TV show "Taxi")

My mental TV landscape is not one of northerners talking about sheep-dip , nor is it cockney's trying to sell fruit from a "barrah" or havin' it off with the daughter of their brothers cousin. : No, my earliest TV memories are things like the Hill Street Blues theme tune, Six Million Dollar Man, Knight Rider, Harold Lloyd, Taxi, The Red Hand Gang, Twilight Zone, (it's no coincidence that all these shows come from across the pond)

And it's directly down to these shows, these TV memories, that I am who I am; Indeed, it's fair to say that American TV has subconsciously shaped my views on almost everything I believe in, I have become Americanised. (this would make sense of my shallow insincerity, and need to make everyone in the room laugh once every 15 seconds...)

It's no coincidence then, that when my girlfriend & I went to New York last February, I felt that I was literally inside a TV show. New York, & America, has all the colours turned up.... just a little bit. It is a country of extremes, everything is jurned up, or down, just a little bit;

Food is cheap, plentiful and accessible, yet the US also have some of the worst figures for food related poverty in the west. Sex is on show everywhere, in fact the US is the highest consumer of Porn related materials in the world, and yet has by contrast one of the most puritanical ideologies - and, to be honest, prudish sensibilites. There are in excess of 300 TV channesl in the US, more if you include Public Access TV, but flicking through the channels you would be forgiven to thin there are actually only a few shows ever on; "Friends", "Desperate Housewives", "Lost" or "2obloody4"

British TV, by contrast, can be a bit "twee" & amateur. However, well knownwe are to do extremely good Drama. Our D rama series' are heavily exported and extremely popular in countries such as the US, Australia and Japan (go figure).

Shows like "Our Friends in the North" "State of Play" & "Shameless" have enjoyed viewing figures to put other home grown shows to shame. In fact "State of Play" is currently in US development as a Film, with Brad Pitt linked to the project.

Also, UK TV comedy has had yet another second life, thanks to shows like "The Office" & "Black Books" as two examples, in recent years... (even though Gervaise openly admits being heavily influenced by US shows like "Seinfeld", "Arrested Development" & "Curb Your Enthusiasm", but we're not allowed to mention that....)

At the risk of treading slightly into Charlie Brookers territory, Telly is important. It's hugely influential in parts both good & bad.I'm not going to argue the Anthropological theories here, but I will use one case in point.

The Crazy Frog:

The Crazy Frog is/was a animation created to sell a ring tone. It really is as simple as that. Some people got uptight because the animated advert that was used to sell the ring tone, did show the the Crazy Frog's knackers... but ultimately, it was a vehicle to sell a product.

Because of Telly though, it became something else entirely. Despite the fact that the ring tone was rubbish, it sold in it's millions, and then, get this, they released a single that became number one in the UK top 40 charts, apparently it was number one for a million years. There is also a video game.... absolute genius, there are cartoons, sticker books, colouring in books. Sandwich boxed, rucksacks, Coffee cups. Are you getting the picture?

Telly is so good that, becuase Crazy Frog was pumped into our living rooms day after day, we actually went into shops, got out our wallets and handed over money to listen to an animated frog that had been created to sell a FUCKING RING TONE.

I think that pretty much sums it up really. We deserve everything we get.

(Orginally posted in March, or somthing...)

Bettie Be Thy Name

Hideous over achieving attention seeker alert!

there are something like 50 Million Blogs out there in the wilderness - all I can hope that the odd passer by looks at something here & doesn't think it's shit!

The things people will do to get attention

TV Journalist Christine Chubbuck , July 15, 1974 shot herself in the noggin on live telly!. I mean, SHE WAS ALREADY ON TELLY, how much attention do you need. She was probably just a bit tired.

It's not unusual for young children to do a runner, in the vain attempt at punishing their parents for not giving them enough chips for tea or something, adults should just know better - this story just takes it to a whole other level;

In Hollywood the normal rules don't apply: Attention seeking can go too far, often resulting in deaths that are always intriguing, and sometimes a little weird;

• Peter Finch: died of massive heart attack while promoting the film Network . He was first and only actor to ever receive an Oscar posthumously; "I'm as mad as Hell, & I'm not gonna take it anymore!"


• Montgomery Clift: 1957 Smashed his car into a telephone pole after leaving a jolly at the home Elizabeth Taylor. Clift needed plastic surgery, his handsome appearance permanently disfigured. The "before and after" face of Clift was obvious. Clift became ever so slightly hooked on booze and pills (well, you would...), and his health deteriorated. Clift died in 1966 at aged 45 , of complications brought on by his "slight" fags/booze/pills addictions


• Judy Garland: (The Wizard of Oz.). Official cause of death: barbiturate poisoning "incautious self-over dosage", otherwise translated as, Utter madness made her think that 1 bottle of pills was a reasonable amount to take. Gay men still weep.


• Elizabeth Short: AKA "The Black Dahlia" - Most disturbing of them all! Aspiring film actress found in a vacant lot in downtown L.A. her body had been "savagely mutilated" and "hacked in half at the waist." No one has ever been arrested in connection with the murder. But hey, it's OK, Coz they made a film about it


• But for my money, one of the best "Look at me, I'm mad, me" attention seekers of the last 50 years just has to be Mr Evel Knievel: on his official website there is this absolute classic paragraph:

Some career highlights include:

1) Jan. 1968 - Crashed in an attempt to clear the fountains at Caesar's Palace in Los Vegas

2) May 1971 - Crashed in an attempt to clear 13 Pepsi Cola trucks in Yakima

3) March 1972 - Suffered serious injury in San Francisco's Cow Palace when his motorcycle crashed in a very difficult landing area.

4) September 1974 - After two unsuccessful unmanned test flights Evel decided to keep his word to his fans and risked his life in a specially constructed rocket powered "Skycycle" in an attempt to clear the Snake River Canyon in Idaho. Even though he made it across the quarter mile wide chasm, strong winds blew the malfunctioning parachute back into the canyon, landing just a few feet from the swirling river in which he would have surely drowned.

5) May 1975 A record crowd of over 90,000 at Wembley Stadium in London, England watched as Evel crashed upon landing, breaking his pelvis after clearing 13 double-tiered buses.

Watch this crazed hero of my childhood fall off bikes here. Call me cynical, but that's 5 career highlights I can live without!. Better still, buy one of your own.

Bless Evel, that crazy ol' drunken wife beater is still alive and suing the shit out of Kanye West for adopting a "certain likeness" in a recent Music Video ; Raise a glass to the maddest redneck on a motorbike you'll ever see jumping over stuff, needlessly (sensible people drive around...)

Where are the good heroes these days?

R.I.P: Mike Reid

A Few Months ago I wrote a tribute to one of my biggest childhood heroes, Mr Cockney Himself, Mike Reid:

Mike went into The Big Jellied Eel Shop In The Sky over the weekend -

As Tribute to the man, I've re posted the below - Pray silence please, for the only cockney I ever Loved. Mike Reid.

......................................................................................

You basically cannot get any more Cockney than Mike Reid's character Frank Butcher from Eastenders. It's against the Laws of Engerland....

Famous for, among other things, these "classics";

"What do you think I am, some kind of pilchard?"

"You get smart with me pal, I'll come down there and give you a dry slap"

OK, taken out of context, it's not exactly Shakespeare... but you just can't get better than Mike; he started out as a comedian (first appearing on "The Comedians", which at the time was fairly cutting edge stuff, but today looks incredibly dated with its' mother-in-law jokes and "blue material") and TV Show Host (my childhood memories consist of Mike bellowing out "Run Araaahhhnnd"

Most people know & Love him as Frank Butcher from Eastenders; But he's also done some other quality, heavier parts, in my opinion, most notably in the tragically unknown "underworld" in which he plays a murderous Taxi Driver. absolute classic performance.

It's widely assumed that our friends over the water haven't got a fucking clue what we're talking about most of the time. Films like "Snatch" & "The Long Good Friday" are often met with frowns associated with foreign language films, which I suppose they are, (it's not unknown for the US Audience to use subtitles. what you really need is some kind of babel fish! ) this handy translator should help theidiots from now on, and here's a useful list if you're ever up in town, use these words as often as possible in order that you "blend in" and you don't draw unnecessary attention to yourself;

• Brass = Broke No Money (also "easy lady")
• Blower = Phone
• Yard or Manor = Home
• Filth, Copper,Old Bill, Pigs, Fuzz, Rozzers = Police
• Gash, Pum Pum, Wifey = Girlfriend
• Grass or Snake = An informer
• Hookie, Sucked, Jacked = Stolen Items
• Jack Jones = to be alone
• Iron or Iron Hoof = Homosexual

Yes - we love stereo types, or at least, I do: Eel Pie & Mash, Isle of Dogs, Pearly Kings & Queens, Greyhound Racing, Alf Garnett,
gangalnd shootings -

There is nothing, nothing better in life, than a proper fucking Cockney - "Boiled Onions"

• Steptoe & Son
• Max Bygraves
• Sir Michael "bleedin" Caine
• The "Chelsea Smile" Kray Brothers
• Tommy Steele
• & of course, Mr Mike Reid

• ...."Two Old Chairs in the back of the Van Ee Eye Ee Eye Oh, "

" I'm not a gangster. I'm a businessman whose commodity happens to be cocaine"

Holy shit! – If you haven’t seen Layer Cake: here are some reasons you should right now!

Daniel Craig: Mr Craig is fast becoming The Man of The Moment – “Layer Cake” was released a whole year before the announcement the he was to be the next James Bond (watch for the subtle Bond reference in LC…) But Craig has been storming all over the screens since the early nineties – earning well deserved recognition for his memorable performance as Geordie in “Our Friends in the North” (this also opened gates for Christopher Eccleston, & Mark Strong)

Highlights of Craig’s career so far are “Road to Perdition” , “Sylvia” , “Enduring Love” “Munich” “Casino Royal” all made within a short 5 years – this guy is no slouch, and was the far most deserving candidate to take the Bond baton (also working on I, Lucifer, & Bond 22.) He is the bollocks.



Michael Gambon: Put Simply – if you Don’t like Michael Gambon, you are dead to me. I first came across him in “The Singing Detective” (watch it, no…. seriously, watch it….) Here he is the world weary, bollock breaking underworld boss that everyone would kill to work for. Every word uttered is poetry, spoken with a slightly broken cockney voice that is not in any way put on – Gambon is a joy to behold on screen.



Stephen Walters: Until now, people will have seen Stephen Walters in small British Soap parts, or might recognise him for small, but worthy film parts in “51st State” or the awful Vinnie Jones remake of “The Mean Machine”. (also Guy Richie’s “Revolver, & most recently “Hannibal Rising”).

But the two most memorable parts he has played so far are as Dr. Vaughan in the criminally overlooked channel 4 “Oz” - like masterpiece “Buried” – subtle, steady, reserved and fucking excellent. And, of course, playing Shanks in Layer Cake. Stephen might only be on screen for roughly six minutes, yet his opening gambit sets the stage for some of the most excellent acting in recent history – His performance, to be frank, raises the bar on acting the part of affected , sharp “do not fuck with me” characters that are almost always hammed up…..




Supporting Cast:

Tamer Hassan (Football Factory , The Business, The Calcium Kid)
Dexter Fletcher ( Bugsy Malone, Rachel Papers, Lock Stock)
Kenneth Cranham (Shine ON Harvey Moon, Shiner, just about everything)
Jason Flemyng (for about 30 wonderful seconds….)
& Of course Sienna Miller (Who you may have heard of?.)



The Script:

J.J. Connolly wrote Layer Cake originally in Novel form, and then went on to write the Screenplay;

The novel is about a successful cocaine dealer who has earned a respected place among England’s Mafia elite and plans an early retirement from the business.

Writing a book, and then transferring your baby from page to screen is always a painful affair – But this is a pure work of enjoyment, love of the genre, and a knowing wink to all those other films that walk straight through the clichés’ and fucks around with them.



The Direction:

Not intentionally seventh on the list, Matthew Vaughn ’s Direction is pretty close to flawless. You may not know that he Produced Guy Ritchie’s “Lock Stock & Two Smoking Barrels”, “Snatch” & “Mean Machine”… (two out of three aint bad).

Richie was originally touted to take the helm of Layer cake, but bowed out, so Vaughn took over. I think this might well be the best of a line of “London Underworld” Genre that Lock Stock kicked off in 1998. Yes, Lock stock was well executed, yes Snatch made good use of inter-cutting to take what was essentially a “caper” movie and make it something a bit more “zany”, but Vaughn’s Layer cake takes essentially an excellent story, and makes it just that bit better. He may have had the Midas touch as a Producer, making his mark on British Cinema, (and giving us Vinnie Jones) toward the late 1990’s and earl 2000’s – but as a Director, he’s more than proving he can fight above his weight –

There’s nothing “wacky” or “Zany” about Layer Cake – it’s just, bloody good.



The Music:

There’s no Ocean Colour Scene, Paul Weller, Robbie Williams, or lame 90’s covers here – The music really does take the film to another level: There’s none of that “Mockney” self conscious row here – (you can buy it at http://www.amazon.co.uk/ )

A mixture of Chill Beats and some old classic tunes you’ve forgotten you know – the soundtrack alone is quality stuff, added to the mocing picture, well……..

If you’re at all interested in true “British Crime Movies”, that are as good as The Long Good Friday, Monia Lisa, Get Carter, The Italian Job, then you should definitely add this to your list: if that’s not really you’re bag, then you’re probably not reading this anyway.

"The Street is Watching, She's Always Watching"

Carlito's Way was originally released in 1994: for Al Pacino, it's sandwiched right between The Scent of a Woman & Heat. It's interesting to note that this was not as widely successful as either of them. But it is equally as good as Heat, and a far superior movie, in every sense, to Scent....

At first, it seems that Director, Brian DePalma is entering into familiar themes addressed in his previous movies Scarface or even (on closer inspection) The Untouchables, which are both excellent examples of the "Gangster Genre". Of course, Depalma and Pacino are practically begging you to think of Scarface and Carltio's Way in the same sentence...

These are obvious comparisons; all three movies are connected in their main story themes, which are, essentially the bad guys versus the good guys,

But, from the first scene that we see Pacino, and hear his voice over, we are entering into a very different world than either Scent, or Heat:

DePalma perfectly sets the tone , immediately sending you into a Carlito's world. There is absolutely no ambiguity from the get go. You know that Carlito is a bad man. But you're preconceptions of Pacino allow for interesting play on what it means to be "bad" because, as we learn very quickly, Carlito has turned a page and is beginning to believe he can escape his past, make good the future...move on.

This theme echoes in his brief but significant meetings with one "Benny Blanco (from the Bronx)" the superb John Leguizamo. Benny see Carlito as a figure of authority, yet someone to challenge. They are inextricably linked, the past and the future of the underworld. Carlito's is reminded of himself in Benny.

As we are drawn so immediately into Carlito's world, the interplay between himself and the other main characters is never over played. It's incredibly real. Pacino does an outstanding job of being a man in the middle of a slow & painful moment of clarity...

Sean Penn plays David Kleinfeld, Carltio's sometimes Lawyer & friend and a complete liability , just kicks ass!". Carlito is consistently being drawn in to Davids seedy business deals and hilarious coke fiend rants... Sean had not really blown up in 1994. Sure, there were some excellent pieces on his CV (At Close Range, Colors, Casualties of War) but in Carlito's Way, he surpasses all expectations. Less than two years later, he was in Dead Man Walking, and that is a man at the top of his game.

This is a film that takes a really, really deep breath, and holds it for just about as long as you can before you bust something. There is the feeling that maybe a metronome is playing somewhere in the back ground, dutifully ticking off the seconds until something really bad happens.

People are forever banging on about Scarface. No doubt, because it really is a "piece of work"; every time you see it, yes, something else of note does opens itself up, requiring reconsideration of what the film really is about. I agree...( Blah blah blah...)

But there's something in Carlito that is not, nor ever will be in Scarface (and, to be fair it was never intended...) which is why, to my mind you just really cannot compare the two:

Carlito's story is a "true" tale of one mans' decision to change, no matter what, and the forces outside his control that make this decision an impossible task to undertake. In Scareface, the message is the total opposite- sheer force of will can get you anywhere you want.

Carlito's Way stands head and shoulders above most "gangster" genre from the last 10 years. It stands above films from many Genre.

The Film, Heat, ironically left me cold. I appreciate Michael Mann's style. (Manhunter, Ali, Collateral) but there is something soulless, almost deliberately, about his movies -

Depalma is not necessarily well know for having heart: but the magic is all there is Carlito's Way. Without an ounce of unneeded sentiment, this film will have Men of a certain age go a big wobbly one.

"You promised me that everything was gonna be ok, remember?"

The Film "Requiem for a Dream" (2000) is based on a book by Hubert Selby Jr of the same name:

I haven't read the book, so, to be fair, I can't comment on how close it follows the narrative.

One thing I do know is this: Requiem is one of the most relentless movie rides you could ever experience. But you constantly want to get off.

Like wincing at road kill, the use of montage is cleverly interwoven with stark images that, try as you might, you simply cannot turn away from.

I have watched this film several times, and it always has the exact same affect. I sit there slack jawed and tense for a couple of hours, seemingly unable to draw breath - but the other night I watched it with my best friend, who had never seen, or heard of it before: seeing his reaction was almost as hard to watch as the movie itself. It was then that I knew that what this film does so well, is really get under the skin and right smack bang into the centre of the darkest soul of things.

The music just adds weight to everything you're seeing: intense & running the same theme throughout. This has to be one of the most exhausting films ever made - the story itself is not particularly hopeful, but the way the Directory Darren Aronofsky draws you in is like nothing else.....

Ultimately, you could argue that films like this are self indulgent, that movies should be happy, jolly, fun and uplifting affairs. But I disagree; whilst this films messages are essentially seen as;

"Hey!.....Drugs are bad, addiction is bad, we're all doomed, your dreams will diminish to nothing, leaving you empty and wanting"

That's actually OK with me. I don't want to be protected - I want to see behind the scenes, I dig the hideousness;

If you're a little like this too, then this film will have a profound effect. if it's not your bag, then try sticking your head in the sand.