Sweet Jesus, I Love You!

It's official... I've hung up my Blog boots!. Just one last post before I drop off this mortal void of blog-ness: feast your silly litte face holes on these:


Just puts a smile on my face looking at these lovelies. I think I have devleoped a slightly unnerving obsession with all things Vargas & Elvgren (the two pic's above are Elvgren) my new flat seems to have increasing numbers of, ahem, 'Artistic' imagery. you can check out a really great Elvgren gallery here. For Vargas, you can check back on previous posts where I have added images, or go here for the good stuff. and one final plug for my good friend Talia Shapiro who does all things Pin Up here. She's smart, she's lovely, she likes Pin Ups!... she married, damnit!

I really only have one thing to say; Thank you. Friends and strangers you've made the whole experience of blogging a little less, errr, pointless....

I have a single Philosophy,
fill what is empty
empty what is full
scratch where it itches


Good-bye

"Get a fucking polaroid of that!"


I feel unsusual, and really unuseful today... I have face ache, nose ache, ear ache and lung ache. My nose is like a dripping tap... everything hurts.

So, to celebrate I thought you'd all like this*
(*actually...I don't really care if you like it or not, it makes me fucking laugh...)


Taken from Peter Cook & Dudley Moore's "Derek & Clive's Ad Nauseam"


"Records"

CLIVE: You know that, er, fucking Guinness Book of Records?

DEREK: Mmmm.

CLIVE: I've always wanted to be in there becau- .....

DEREK: Mmm-mm-mm.

CLIVE: ..... 'cause they've got all the records that people have done things, you know, for the longest and .....

DEREK: Shortest.

CLIVE: ..... highest and everything 'n' that. And, erm, I was in, er, the living room the other day and, er, I felt I was going to sneeze, you know.

DEREK: Mmm.

CLIVE: And I suddenly thought: 'Well, no, fuck it, I won't sneeze, I'll reserve it'. And every half-hour when I wanted to sneeze, you know, I reserved it instead of blowing it out into the hanky an' that. And when I'd got a good pile of it up my nose and - I think it was running down my troat actually 'cause I had so much of it, you know, .....

DEREK: Yeah, yeah.

CLIVE: ..... gradually building up.

DEREK: Right.

CLIVE: I thought: 'I'll try and establish the Guinness Book of Records' record for the longest trail of snot in the world'.

CLIVE: And, er, I just sat there, you know, and I thought I had enough. I thought I had about at least ten yards. And I .....

DEREK: Is that all?

CLIVE: ..... I was watching, erm, '3-2-1' with Ted Rogers.

DEREK: Mmmm.

CLIVE: And, er, great programme, that, c-, I got a bit carried away during it .....

DEREK: (laughs)

CLIVE: ..... and I almost forgot that I had this, you know, tonnes of snot up my nose and down my throat and it was almost beginning to kill me. And I thought: 'What am I doing?' And I suddenly realised what I was doing, and so .....

DEREK: You were fucking breaking the world record, mate, that's what you were doing.

CLIVE: I was breaking the world record, that was what I was after!

DEREK: Yeah.

CLIVE: So, very delicately, I put up my forefinger and my thumb .....

DEREK: Mm-hmmm.

CLIVE: ..... to my nose. And I thought: 'Oh fuck, I've gone and fucked it', 'cause the first bit I got was very hard and I thought: 'It's all gone hard and I won't be able string it out at all'. But, as luck would have it, you know, it was only the first bit .....

DEREK: Yeah.

CLIVE: ..... which had got clotted and hard. And .....

DEREK: Well, it had probably been in contact with the air, you see, just got a bit .....

CLIVE: It had been-, yes, on the outside of the nostril, there.

DEREK: ..... bit dried out. Unlike Weetabix which gets soggy after fucking no time.

CLIVE: But, anyway, I pulled and I pulled, you know, .....

DEREK: Yeah-h-h.

CLIVE: ..... I was getting a good length going .....

DEREK: Ohh, fucking lovely, mate, I wish I .....

CLIVE: ..... and I thought I'd, erm, .....

DEREK: Tch, phhwww .....

CLIVE: ..... I'd try and get right over to the light fitting on the right, you know, .....

DEREK: Mmm.

CLIVE: ..... we have a light fitting to the right of the sofa.

DEREK: That's about ten foot away, right?

CLIVE: Ten yards away.

DEREK: Ten yards away? Oh-h, I thought it was ten foot.

CLIVE: But the only problem was it kept looping, you know, .....

DEREK: Ohhh, yeah.

CLIVE: ..... like, er, like fucking spaghetti, you know.

DEREK: Well, bogies do that, they loop.

CLIVE: Y-, they looped.

DEREK: Mmm.

CLIVE: And my fear was they'd touch the floor .....

DEREK: S-

CLIVE: ..... pick up dust and get disqualified.

DEREK: Oh, what, for sagging t-, in-, you know, .....

CLIVE: Yeah, you can't afford .....

DEREK: ..... inexoribly.

CLIVE: ..... to let your bogey sag. And, it seemed like hours .....

DEREK: Yeah.

CLIVE: ..... it probably was only about, erm, ten minutes.

DEREK: Well, no, fucking right, yeah.

CLIVE: But I got to the wall, hung this dry bogey ......

DEREK: Did you use that sticky stuff t-, to, er, .....

CLIVE: ..... on the light socket.

DEREK: ..... t-, to, you know, make it sure i-, make sure it was there.

CLIVE: Yeah, I got a kind of plastic gummy stuff which, erm, .....

DEREK: Yeah, 'll .....

CLIVE: ..... is very much like a bogey.

DEREK: Mmm.

CLIVE: Which you can get a Woolworths. And I stuck the bogey to the-, to the wall just under the light fitting and then I - very cautiously - drew back, you know, .....

DEREK: Yeah.

CLIVE: ..... hanging it out, .....

DEREK: Yeah.

CLIVE: ..... er, in my wake, so to speak.

DEREK: Yeah, so of just very easily .....

CLIVE: Yeah.

DEREK: Well, you .....

CLIVE: So I had about-, about a ten yard loop of green snot, you know, between my nose and the wall and I suddenly panicked 'cause I know the Guinness Book of Records requires verification. So I called Dolly .....

DEREK: Oh-h, blimey, you were .....

CLIVE: I said, "Dolly, get in here .....

DEREK: ..... crafty!

CLIVE: I said, "Dolly, get in here quick with the polaroid, I want a witness of this ten yard line of snot", and, er, she said, "Oh, no, I can't, I'm busy, you know, I'm .....

DEREK: Fucking stupid cow.

CLIVE: ..... busy.

DEREK: 'cause she didn't realise .....

CLIVE: An' I said-, I said-, I said, "LOOK, I'M GOING FOR THE FUCKING GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS FOR A LONG TRAIL OF SNOT, I'VE GOT TEN YARDS HERE FOR YOU TO PHOTOGRAPH AND IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME YOU STARTED BEHAVING LIKE A WIFE!!!" And because I got over-heated .....

DEREK: Yeah, .....

CLIVE: ..... the chain bro- .....

DEREK: .... she suddenly got interested.

CLIVE: No, no, no, .....

DEREK: No?

CLIVE: ..... the chain broke.

DEREK: Oh, FUCK!!

CLIVE: So, by the time she got in with the polaroid .....

DEREK: What a cunt.

CLIVE: ..... all I had was a long line of .....

DEREK: Oh, don't tell me, re-

CLIVE: ..... snot on the floor.

DEREK: Oh, FUCK HER! FUCKING CUNT!! HOW DARE SHE DO THAT TO YOU? MY MATE! FUCKING DESTROYING YOUR-, YOUR BOGEY LIKE THAT!

CLIVE: Shall I-, shall I tell-, shall I tell you-

DEREK: OH, FUCKING SLAG!

CLIVE: SHALL I TELL YOU WHAT I DID? SHALL I TELL YOU WHAT I DID?

DEREK: Ohh ..... go on.

CLIVE: I said, "Dolly, .....

DEREK: Yeah, f-

CLIVE: ..... you've tested me in the past," .....

DEREK: Oh, fuck her.

CLIVE: ..... I said, "we've been married fourteen years .....

DEREK: Right.

CLIVE: ..... and you've tried a number of things. I was about to get into the Guinness Book of Records for the longest yardage of snot ......

DEREK: Phhwww!

CLIVE: ..... between one nostril and the wall, and you let me down. And shall I tell you what I'm going to do NOW? I'M GONNA GET THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS TO RECOGNISE ME .....

DEREK: (laughs)

CLIVE: ..... AS THE NUMBER ONE CUNT KICKER-IN IN THE WORLD!!" AND I SPREAD HER LEGS APART AND I PUT MY HUGE GREAT NAILED SHOES ON AND I KICKED HER! AND I KICKED HER IN THE CUNT FOR HALF A FUCKING HOUR 'TIL I WAS EXHAUSTED! AND THEN I SAID, "DOLLY! WILL YOU GET A POLAROID OF THAT?!" And the cunt wouldn't even get up!

DEREK: What a CUNT!


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Modern Movies are Crap




Because we're all a bit thick, Hollywood, & the rest of the film industry (except independant's, obviously...) deems it necessary to spoon feed up muck. Don't let it dribble down your chin.
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Got Any Bee Hats?

..Y'know...hats.... for Bees

Offall Machine!















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None of that jibba-jabba!

Whilst circumventing the globe via the intermerwebby, I've come across many things, but none of them so bizarre as this picture:


It's the stuff of nightmares. I've always had an aversion to puppets, and especially when you add food into the scenario. It's just plain wrong (That Dolmio advert is the creepiest thing on Telly) but now...now... I've found another combination that makes me feel a bit "clammy"...Muppet's & Mr Fucking T. Who'd of though it? I pity the fool that came up with this front cover. They should be shot in the mouth.


"Hey, I know, let's make a puppet Mr T!... "

Jesus save us.

You've bled me dry...I've got nothing more to say... try again next week."



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Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday.

So I've stopped trying....My boss has a wonderful imagination, which is why I can sit at my desk, scratching my arse, while she imagines that I'm "researching" on the intermerwebby...

so, during my research today, I came across this load of bum fluffery

  • Frustrating,....addictive... just move the block into the hole... well... GO ON THEN!!
  • The new Guinness Advert is fun
  • Create any size wall poster from any size image
  • 5 worst fight scenes in the movies ...
  • Play Super Mario online (if you like, if not move on...)
  • As a rule, I normally don't go in for "Guns and Ammo" type films, but this has got James Mcavoy (Atonement..), Angelina Jolie Morgan Freeman chucking themselves about and firing big weapons at bad guys it's also Directed b Russian nutter Timur Bekmambetov, who made "Night Watch" ... what's not to like?. "Wanted" Out in 2008, I'm already moist with anticipation
  • Musicmesh is a music & video site type thingammy that lets you search a massive library of stuff... a bit like Pandora's music radio site, only with smashing super moving pictures, lovely
  • I thought I was an idiot. But I'm not, becuase I can make an Origami Crane. It's the bollocks



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