nevermind

Sweet Jesus, I Love You!

2008-02-06T15:47:00.000Z

It's official... I've hung up my Blog boots!. Just one last post before I drop off this mortal void of blog-ness: feast your silly litte face holes on these:

Just puts a smile on my face looking at these lovelies. I think I have devleoped a slightly unnerving obsession with all things Vargas & Elvgren (the two pic's above are Elvgren) my new flat seems to have increasing numbers of, ahem, 'Artistic' imagery. you can check out a really great Elvgren gallery here. For Vargas, you can check back on previous posts where I have added images, or go here for the good stuff. and one final plug for my good friend Talia Shapiro who does all things Pin Up here. She's smart, she's lovely, she likes Pin Ups!... she married, damnit!

I really only have one thing to say; Thank you. Friends and strangers you've made the whole experience of blogging a little less, errr, pointless....

I have a single Philosophy,
fill what is empty
empty what is full
scratch where it itches

Good-bye

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"Get a fucking polaroid of that!"

2007-12-04T12:07:00.000Z

I feel unsusual, and really unuseful today... I have face ache, nose ache, ear ache and lung ache. My nose is like a dripping tap... everything hurts.

So, to celebrate I thought you'd all like this*
(*actually...I don't really care if you like it or not, it makes me fucking laugh...)

Taken from Peter Cook & Dudley Moore's "Derek & Clive's Ad Nauseam"

"Records"

CLIVE: You know that, er, fucking Guinness Book of Records?

DEREK: Mmmm.

CLIVE: I've always wanted to be in there becau- .....

DEREK: Mmm-mm-mm.

CLIVE: ..... 'cause they've got all the records that people have done things, you know, for the longest and .....

DEREK: Shortest.

CLIVE: ..... highest and everything 'n' that. And, erm, I was in, er, the living room the other day and, er, I felt I was going to sneeze, you know.

DEREK: Mmm.

CLIVE: And I suddenly thought: 'Well, no, fuck it, I won't sneeze, I'll reserve it'. And every half-hour when I wanted to sneeze, you know, I reserved it instead of blowing it out into the hanky an' that. And when I'd got a good pile of it up my nose and - I think it was running down my troat actually 'cause I had so much of it, you know, .....

DEREK: Yeah, yeah.

CLIVE: ..... gradually building up.

DEREK: Right.

CLIVE: I thought: 'I'll try and establish the Guinness Book of Records' record for the longest trail of snot in the world'.

CLIVE: And, er, I just sat there, you know, and I thought I had enough. I thought I had about at least ten yards. And I .....

DEREK: Is that all?

CLIVE: ..... I was watching, erm, '3-2-1' with Ted Rogers.

DEREK: Mmmm.

CLIVE: And, er, great programme, that, c-, I got a bit carried away during it .....

DEREK: (laughs)

CLIVE: ..... and I almost forgot that I had this, you know, tonnes of snot up my nose and down my throat and it was almost beginning to kill me. And I thought: 'What am I doing?' And I suddenly realised what I was doing, and so .....

DEREK: You were fucking breaking the world record, mate, that's what you were doing.

CLIVE: I was breaking the world record, that was what I was after!

DEREK: Yeah.

CLIVE: So, very delicately, I put up my forefinger and my thumb .....

DEREK: Mm-hmmm.

CLIVE: ..... to my nose. And I thought: 'Oh fuck, I've gone and fucked it', 'cause the first bit I got was very hard and I thought: 'It's all gone hard and I won't be able string it out at all'. But, as luck would have it, you know, it was only the first bit .....

DEREK: Yeah.

CLIVE: ..... which had got clotted and hard. And .....

DEREK: Well, it had probably been in contact with the air, you see, just got a bit .....

CLIVE: It had been-, yes, on the outside of the nostril, there.

DEREK: ..... bit dried out. Unlike Weetabix which gets soggy after fucking no time.

CLIVE: But, anyway, I pulled and I pulled, you know, .....

DEREK: Yeah-h-h.

CLIVE: ..... I was getting a good length going .....

DEREK: Ohh, fucking lovely, mate, I wish I .....

CLIVE: ..... and I thought I'd, erm, .....

DEREK: Tch, phhwww .....

CLIVE: ..... I'd try and get right over to the light fitting on the right, you know, .....

DEREK: Mmm.

CLIVE: ..... we have a light fitting to the right of the sofa.

DEREK: That's about ten foot away, right?

CLIVE: Ten yards away.

DEREK: Ten yards away? Oh-h, I thought it was ten foot.

CLIVE: But the only problem was it kept looping, you know, .....

DEREK: Ohhh, yeah.

CLIVE: ..... like, er, like fucking spaghetti, you know.

DEREK: Well, bogies do that, they loop.

CLIVE: Y-, they looped.

DEREK: Mmm.

CLIVE: And my fear was they'd touch the floor .....

DEREK: S-

CLIVE: ..... pick up dust and get disqualified.

DEREK: Oh, what, for sagging t-, in-, you know, .....

CLIVE: Yeah, you can't afford .....

DEREK: ..... inexoribly.

CLIVE: ..... to let your bogey sag. And, it seemed like hours .....

DEREK: Yeah.

CLIVE: ..... it probably was only about, erm, ten minutes.

DEREK: Well, no, fucking right, yeah.

CLIVE: But I got to the wall, hung this dry bogey ......

DEREK: Did you use that sticky stuff t-, to, er, .....

CLIVE: ..... on the light socket.

DEREK: ..... t-, to, you know, make it sure i-, make sure it was there.

CLIVE: Yeah, I got a kind of plastic gummy stuff which, erm, .....

DEREK: Yeah, 'll .....

CLIVE: ..... is very much like a bogey.

DEREK: Mmm.

CLIVE: Which you can get a Woolworths. And I stuck the bogey to the-, to the wall just under the light fitting and then I - very cautiously - drew back, you know, .....

DEREK: Yeah.

CLIVE: ..... hanging it out, .....

DEREK: Yeah.

CLIVE: ..... er, in my wake, so to speak.

DEREK: Yeah, so of just very easily .....

CLIVE: Yeah.

DEREK: Well, you .....

CLIVE: So I had about-, about a ten yard loop of green snot, you know, between my nose and the wall and I suddenly panicked 'cause I know the Guinness Book of Records requires verification. So I called Dolly .....

DEREK: Oh-h, blimey, you were .....

CLIVE: I said, "Dolly, get in here .....

DEREK: ..... crafty!

CLIVE: I said, "Dolly, get in here quick with the polaroid, I want a witness of this ten yard line of snot", and, er, she said, "Oh, no, I can't, I'm busy, you know, I'm .....

DEREK: Fucking stupid cow.

CLIVE: ..... busy.

DEREK: 'cause she didn't realise .....

CLIVE: An' I said-, I said-, I said, "LOOK, I'M GOING FOR THE FUCKING GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS FOR A LONG TRAIL OF SNOT, I'VE GOT TEN YARDS HERE FOR YOU TO PHOTOGRAPH AND IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME YOU STARTED BEHAVING LIKE A WIFE!!!" And because I got over-heated .....

DEREK: Yeah, .....

CLIVE: ..... the chain bro- .....

DEREK: .... she suddenly got interested.

CLIVE: No, no, no, .....

DEREK: No?

CLIVE: ..... the chain broke.

DEREK: Oh, FUCK!!

CLIVE: So, by the time she got in with the polaroid .....

DEREK: What a cunt.

CLIVE: ..... all I had was a long line of .....

DEREK: Oh, don't tell me, re-

CLIVE: ..... snot on the floor.

DEREK: Oh, FUCK HER! FUCKING CUNT!! HOW DARE SHE DO THAT TO YOU? MY MATE! FUCKING DESTROYING YOUR-, YOUR BOGEY LIKE THAT!

CLIVE: Shall I-, shall I tell-, shall I tell you-

DEREK: OH, FUCKING SLAG!

CLIVE: SHALL I TELL YOU WHAT I DID? SHALL I TELL YOU WHAT I DID?

DEREK: Ohh ..... go on.

CLIVE: I said, "Dolly, .....

DEREK: Yeah, f-

CLIVE: ..... you've tested me in the past," .....

DEREK: Oh, fuck her.

CLIVE: ..... I said, "we've been married fourteen years .....

DEREK: Right.

CLIVE: ..... and you've tried a number of things. I was about to get into the Guinness Book of Records for the longest yardage of snot ......

DEREK: Phhwww!

CLIVE: ..... between one nostril and the wall, and you let me down. And shall I tell you what I'm going to do NOW? I'M GONNA GET THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS TO RECOGNISE ME .....

DEREK: (laughs)

CLIVE: ..... AS THE NUMBER ONE CUNT KICKER-IN IN THE WORLD!!" AND I SPREAD HER LEGS APART AND I PUT MY HUGE GREAT NAILED SHOES ON AND I KICKED HER! AND I KICKED HER IN THE CUNT FOR HALF A FUCKING HOUR 'TIL I WAS EXHAUSTED! AND THEN I SAID, "DOLLY! WILL YOU GET A POLAROID OF THAT?!" And the cunt wouldn't even get up!

DEREK: What a CUNT!

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Modern Movies are Crap

2007-11-20T09:45:00.001Z

Because we're all a bit thick, Hollywood, & the rest of the film industry (except independant's, obviously...) deems it necessary to spoon feed up muck. Don't let it dribble down your chin.

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Got Any Bee Hats?

2007-11-16T16:13:00.000Z

..Y'know...hats.... for Bees

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Offall Machine!

2007-11-16T15:48:00.000Z

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None of that jibba-jabba!

2007-11-16T09:33:00.000Z

Whilst circumventing the globe via the intermerwebby, I've come across many things, but none of them so bizarre as this picture:

It's the stuff of nightmares. I've always had an aversion to puppets, and especially when you add food into the scenario. It's just plain wrong (That Dolmio advert is the creepiest thing on Telly) but now...now... I've found another combination that makes me feel a bit "clammy"...Muppet's & Mr Fucking T. Who'd of though it? I pity the fool that came up with this front cover. They should be shot in the mouth.

"Hey, I know, let's make a puppet Mr T!... "

Jesus save us.

You've bled me dry...I've got nothing more to say... try again next week."

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Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday.

2007-11-09T13:17:00.000Z

So I've stopped trying....My boss has a wonderful imagination, which is why I can sit at my desk, scratching my arse, while she imagines that I'm "researching" on the intermerwebby...

so, during my research today, I came across this load of bum fluffery

Frustrating,....addictive... just move the block into the hole... well... GO ON THEN!!
The new Guinness Advert is fun
Create any size wall poster from any size image
5 worst fight scenes in the movies ...
Play Super Mario online (if you like, if not move on...)
As a rule, I normally don't go in for "Guns and Ammo" type films, but this has got James Mcavoy (Atonement..), Angelina Jolie Morgan Freeman chucking themselves about and firing big weapons at bad guys it's also Directed b Russian nutter Timur Bekmambetov, who made "Night Watch" ... what's not to like?. "Wanted" Out in 2008, I'm already moist with anticipation
Musicmesh is a music & video site type thingammy that lets you search a massive library of stuff... a bit like Pandora's music radio site, only with smashing super moving pictures, lovely
I thought I was an idiot. But I'm not, becuase I can make an Origami Crane. It's the bollocks

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Charlie Brooker "Stalking" festival Continues

2007-11-07T20:40:00.000Z

Yep, my affection for the man's continued genius, err, continues. I won't be satisfied until I have a framed restraining order on my wall. In the meantime, here's some moving pictures from Screen Wipe, in which he talks about Elimination Shows. Worth a watch just for part 2 in which he dresses as King Charles Brooker and rants a bit:

Part 2 here
Part 3 here

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David Blaine is Slightly Gay! (...Now That's Magic!)

2007-11-05T20:40:00.000Z

This is where I want to live

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Another Blatent Friend Talent Plug: Carter Brown Rock!, Official!

2007-11-05T19:35:00.000Z

I bumped into my friend Matt Russell earlier tonight, who is a total ROCK LEGEND (well, he will be...) and promised that I would plug the band that he's in CARTER BROWN. They, in my opinion, ROCK... how you say in English?...erm...THE BELLS!: you can listen to some of their tracks at their website.

They have a gig lined up at The Hope (formerly known as "Polar Central") in Brighton on 18th November. I will, most likely, be in the front row, throwing kisses and showing my tits. Feel free to join me.

here is there Myspace site:

CARTER BROWN is made up of guitarist and vocalist MATT RUSSELL, lead guitarist PAUL GELLATLY, bassist JAMES WHEELWRIGHT and drummer WILL CRYSELL.

After a year mostly spent, writing and recording, the band were approached last year by uber cool new indie label WORST CASE SCENARIO RECORDS and offered a single deal.

The first single "SAY HELLO" came out at the end of April 2006 in all good record shops on 7 inch vinyl and online through Universal digital distribution. Plans for a new 4 track demo to be recorded at Stakeout Studios for the end of May.

"I gotsta get me one of those!"

2007-11-05T16:15:00.000Z

Ahh Betty Page. She dressed up in nice nice things just to make us all feel good Whhhoooaaaa there Betty!... when I'm in pursuit for truth and the meaning of deeper things on the intermerwebby, I often get distracted by a lady in stockings and a cheeky smile. Smashing..

If you like this sort of thing, "nice" fluffy pictures of lovely ladies who might have just accidentally dropped something on the floor, then we can be friends, if it's not, then you're dead to me.

Alberto Varga (my favourite) just blows me away with the detail in his work, you can check out some his best stuff here & here, seriously, have a look, & check your pulse while you're at it.

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Hello, I'm the Devil Incarnate

2007-11-04T19:16:00.000Z

I originally posted the below article in March this year, because a) I really fucking hate Jeremy Kyle and b)... no, that's it. I fucking hate him.
It seem that "Jezza" has been in the press recently, some claims that he may, in fact, have some problems that would warrant him appearing on say, The Jerry Springer's show... oh, the irony is just to much to bear. I would eat what's left of my liver, just to see him in a Burberry Baseball cap and some Reebok Classics...

watch his stupid, pointless, empty life unfold here:

And here's the post again:

This is Jeremy Kyle..... Jeremy "Jezza" Kyle's imaginatively titled TV Show "The Jeremy Kyle Show" tells us all we need to know about the current social climate in the UK।

Well, it does, if sitting at home in your "Pineapple" tracksuit bottoms chuffing on 60 Rothmans, and scarfing down any fast food solids within reach, signifies the "Common Man or Woman in England"

If you shag anyone but your husband/wife/partner and them kill them to death, attempt murder in some heinous way, drink too much before beating your children within an inch of their lives then I suppose you could argue that the show might have niche appeal... they might as well call it "Jeremy Burns a Pikey to Death"

It's about as close to reality as say, Jerry springer was to anthropology.....I seriously don't get it, and , before we go on, let's make one thing absolutely clear; Jezza's only qualification is as a Television Presenter. Let's just repeat that again... let the statement roll around your tongue for a moment, whilst the reality of those words seep into your noggin'. He is not a qualified counselor, Phsycologist or psychiatrist , but never mind. He's got an amazingly over sized mouth, and knows some seven-letter-words. he also wears a suit, which makes him a fucking expert doesn't it.

It's a bloody miracle any of the guests actually get a word in, as he recants; "Listen to me ...Listen to me ...Listen to me ...Listen to me!""Look at me ...Look at me ...Look at me ...Look at me!" every thirty seconds until they just stare at him like they're watching a feather in the air...

The audience & viewers don't turn up or turn on, to watch stories of triumph over adversity, they're not hoping to explore the complex psychological dynamics of relationships presented with challenging external influences. They want to boo and shout random expletives at a parade of social pariahs and pantomime villains: all executed by the Circus Ringmaster Jezza, who's only slightly less sinister that Jeremy Beadle (it must be the name)

Is there anything more hypocritical than his hammed-up pretence of being deeply shocked, outraged and saddened whenever a guest opens their mouth to speak their tiny little thought out loud. I challenge you to give me a reason for his existence!

sorry, but I think he.is.a.C**t

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Dawn of the Dumb

2007-11-02T15:43:00.000Z

I very nearly coughed up a bit of sick in excitement, when I heard the news that Charlie Brooker has just published a new book. "Dawn of the Dumb: Dispatches from the Idiotic Frontline" it's in the shops (and amazon.co.uk) right now!.. What are you doing?. Go and buy a copy NOW!.

here's a little sample of my hero's literary genius:

"I don't get people. What's their appeal, precisely? They waddle around with their haircuts on, cluttering the pavement like gormless, farting skittles. They're awful."

hahahahhahhahhahhahha...see...funny....

I thought I was his biggest fan (at least, that's what I scrawled in my own blood the last time I wrote to him) but this little nuglet of media fluffery completely passed me by: I really must get my head out from up his bum and take a look around from time to time:

If you're at all interested, you can read his archived articles for commentisfree.co.uk, right here, plus there's his Guardian's Screenburn archive here. BBC fluff on Brookers TV Show "Screenwipe" here.

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I found this...

2007-11-02T13:33:00.000Z

...the least you could do is look at it... well.... GO ON THEN!

Yeah... I was thinking about kicking back this weekend and doing some Meth. Nice
I wanted to buy some art for my daughters nursery. No Fluffy Bunnies here.Lovely
Are you a bit bored?Why not transform your skirt into a soda vending machine
Art or Abuse? You decide (Warning, this is not for the feint hearted)
A list of lists
Just in case you find yourself accidentally in a Zombie Apocalypse, you might want to read this
Books, online for Free, no catch. Now, read something...
You know what you've done? You've sharpened that pencil all wrong. Idiot!
Burning Man Festival (hard to describe...)
Fark! sounds rude don't it?.
Live Plasma, sort of a a-z of music, movies and stuff that's all nicely collated and that.

That's it...go on...bugger off

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Fight, Fight, Fight, Fight!

2007-11-02T12:08:00.000Z

I'm the luckiest man alive!, yep, having a woman in your life that has the same utter contempt for celebland, and yet still has an uncontrollable urge to stare at them, unblinkingly... like road kill, means I get the best gossip, with added "bitchness". It's fucking ace!

The Macca-Stella-Pegleg-Mucca story just keeps on creeping on, like a 10 tonne haulage truck accidentally rolling toward a primary school. I'm loving every crazy second of it.

Now armed with recently updated sources of information (AKA my girlfriend*) I can reveal some interesting facts:

After pegleg's meltdown on GMTV yesterday morning, every woman in the country took a Mobile text vote, and decided by a 81.5% landslide, that Heather Mills is absolutely mad-as-hens!
Nobody actually cares if she is in possession of certain facts pertaining to her accusation that Sir Paul is in fact, a bit of a Cunt (sorry, I'm just saying verbatim what my source* told me)
The real reason that Pegger's & Macca split was due to the low resonating hum that emitts from her fake leg, which can, in some cases, cause depression and the pox.
Mills claims Sir P's daughter Stella was jealous of her and tried to wreck the marriage to her father...Oh, boo hoo.... They should put them in a ring and let them bitch fight it out. My money is on the "gutter pigeon" aka Heather Peg-Leg-Mills - I mean, she has a fake leg... she could beat the McCartney's out of you with it
Mills compared herself to Princess Diana, Gandhi, the Queen and Bob Carolgees (porbably, sorry Bob), all of which have also suffered at the hands of the press. Rumours of her ability to walk on water, cure lepers and time travel have yet to be substantiated.

"Yeah, I know it says Lennon-McCartney on the credits.. but can we just change it to McCartney-Lennon?, I mean, what's the harm....."

Should have kept it in your pants mate

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Holy Crap!

2007-11-01T13:33:00.000Z

Boo!

Halloween... Scary innit?... (six year old's, running around in crap pound shop masks, asking for sweeties, how fucking terrifying)

If you have a heart, this will scare the heavenly crap from it: Nosferatu and you can watch the film here. Prepare for poo pants:

My missus has become unhealthily obsessed with that useless sick up "Scary" telly programme, "Most Haunted" (I'm not fucking linking that shit!), she'll sit there, looking a bit unwell, genuinely frightened whilst Yvette Fielding shouts inane threats into the air ("Throw something at me") and then nothing much happens for about half an hour. except maybe the camera man will say, "Oh my God, I've been attacked by dust, by jimminy those ghost's are scary"

- rubbish

But, the best thing about the show, in my opinion, is the freaky northern presenter & "Medium" (hah!) Derek Acorah. His attendance in this apparent paranormal reality TV twittery is worth a single viewing, if for nothing else but to stare at his choice of attire... look at him!, Dressed like a slightly effeminate Mafioso boss. And then, there's his "spirit guide", "Sam" (strangely not listed in the shows credits. I'd be a bit peeved)

I hide behind my hands trying to ignore the images of Derek conversing with "Sam";

"Thank you Sam";

as he describes, in detail, how someone from the 18th Century lived in the mock Tudor house, and came to a grizzly end with pitchfork. I fucking hate "Most Haunted". I sincerely hope that when I die, I come back and scare the living giblets out of these half wits... I firmly believe that most Ghosts, spectres or whatever have better taste than to rock up to converse with Akorah!

(we're told that "Sam" is from Asian origin, and possibly a young boy.. of course he is, look at Akorah)

I tell you what though, these video's scared the dirty pants off me!

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Blatant Friend Talent Plug!

2007-11-01T11:26:00.000Z

My part time drinking buddy and full time misanthrope Simon Dixon Paints stuff on canvases and then sells it....

When he's not sitting around with his pants rounds his ankles, scratching his balls, he does stuff I like to call "the shit" like the above two pictures: there is a whole plethora of other great images what he's drawn and painted and that, here.

A simple idea link's every image he paints. He chooses famous people, who have an interesting history, but picks the moment the subject truly began to enter the public eye. Every image therefore speaks clearly of change, determination and the passion of holding true to one¹s self-beliefs.

He's so fucking talented, I hate his dirty fucking guts! Buy one of his pictures to shut him up!

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Gay Friday

2007-10-31T18:43:00.000Z

Because we separate, it ripples our reflections...

2007-10-31T15:46:00.000Z

Aaaahhhhhh yes.....

Those lovely fluffy bunnies that we call Radiohead , have caused a bit of a muffin fuss recently. Their new album, "In Rainbows" is not available in the shops (shocker..) but you can download it from their website, and, here's the "controversial" bit - you can either download it for nish, or, if you'd prefer , actually pay for their talents to gently cusp your ear genitals. (if you get my meaning?)

As my long suffering girlfriend will testify, I...fucking love... Radiohead. I'm not a complete cunt about it, but I really think they are my generation's Pink Floyd (Okay, okay, throw stones if you have to, but I don't really give a fuck!)

She will often look at me, and roll here eyes as I gaze off into some distant void, mouthing the words to "Let Down", "Exit Music(for a film)" or maybe "Nice Dream" like some sort of Gay....

I've read a couple of reviews:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/arts/main.jhtml?xml=/arts/2007/10/10/bmradiohead110.xml

http://www.nme.com/news/31710

http://www.list.co.uk/article/5200-radiohead-album-review/

Which all bang on endlessly, but y'know what, they all say the same thing to one degree or another, which is that "In Rainbows" is pretty, pretty, pretty good. And I have to agree.

It really isn't "The Bends" or "OK Computer" or even "Amnesiac" or "Hail to the Thief" but it has some of the stronger points of all of those albums, with some really, achingly beautiful moments, all of its own. I'm not going to go into anymore detail than that (but Reckoner is a fucking great tune...)

Here endeth the lesson.

Amen

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Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive.

2007-10-30T09:46:00.000Z

"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"
is, purely and simply... heartbreaking.

With a script by Charlie Kaufman (Adaptation, Being John Malkovich) and direction from Michel Gondry (later to make the excellent, if slightly incomplete Science of Sleep) you are getting a lot of film for your money.

Brilliantly written, perfect dialogue (I would actually say painful, haunting and passionate dialogue) incredibly creative direction, this is one of those Science Fiction/Love Story/Comedy type things that come along once in a while, right(?). Well, actually, no...

Fair enough, it is difficult to put this into a genre, but, that just makes me like this film all the more.

I'm struggling here to give this it fair criticism, without weeping into a week old tissue. OK, it's far from perfect, and if you don't like Jim Carrey, or Kate Winselt, then you are a bit buggered, but hell, they are both flawless in their roles.

For an absolutely brilliant synopsis of what they hell this is all about, you'd do worse to look here.

but in a brief style, here's what you need to know about the story:

"A couple undergo a procedure to erase each other from their memories when their relationship turns sour, but it is only through the process of loss that they discover what they had to begin with"

It won the Oscar for best original screenplay, and Kate Winslet was nominated for best performance by an actress in a leading role. (Which is nice)

Now, excuse me while I go a big wobbly one and die of dehydration from all tears I've shed... you have been warned.

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Yeti Bloody Pingu Throw

2007-10-27T11:46:00.000Z

Yeti Bloody Pingu Throw

"D'oh!"

2007-10-19T09:42:00.000Z

apparantly, this is what I'd look like, if I were a character on The Simpsons. you can have a go here

Bansky!

2007-10-17T13:59:00.000Z

If you don't know who Banksy is then you're either a bit of a twat, or you've been trapped under something heavy for about a decade, and therefore haven't looked out of your window for a little bit. there's some new stuff on his website. Check it

There's also a book. Which is nice.

2007-10-12T17:08:00.000Z

I was a little bit bored today

2007-10-11T17:41:00.000Z

So, to fill the time, I copied this

...absolute genius

"Money won is twice as sweet as money earned"

2007-10-09T08:35:00.000Z

2) The Color of Money (1986)

Backing up a bit here...... in, err.... 1959, an author by the name of Walter Tevis wrote a book called "The Hustler". It was a big hit, and just under two years later became the film that put Paul Newman back on the map, as the cool pool shark, "Fast" Eddie Felson.

faaaaast forward just around 30 years, and some smart Alec thought it would be a great idea to make the sequel to "The Hustler", called: "The Color of Money" into a film. Clever little shit...

But.... they asked themselves, who could possibly play the cocky, rough diamond to Newmans uber cool, shady but learned elder? Who, huh? Who Damn it!.

The question must have been one of the toughest on the table. I mean, you've got Newman, who's practically royalty by this time, but hadn't really had a hot film since Slap Shot in 1977 (and even then we're not talking about a block buster). The last thing they wanted is for someone to upstage his highness....

But on closer inspection, to a large degree, the Book is about exactly this. Younger generations looking bemused at the older generation of hustlers "code of the game".

someone must have been given a really rather large bonus when "Tom Cruise" agreed to sign on the line that is dotted:

The Cruiser had been, well.... err, "cruising" along really rather quite well. 1983, already in the can was "The Outsiders", and also in '83 were "Risky Business" & "All The Right Moves". Then came the film that pretty much sold a zillion pairs or RayBan's (I bought a pair too) "Top Gun".

OK, we'll save all the discussion about Mr C for another time. Suffice to say that he was about a B.I.G as you could be at the tender age of 12 years old (or whatever, he looks about 12 in the poster)

And so to the film:

So what we got?.

Have we got two ego's big enough to fill the roles, and therefore fill cinema seats?. Check.
Have we got a massively influential Director, much praised and respect for his ability to raise the bar in modern Cinematic terms, not to mention summing up the word "zeitgeist"?. Check. (Scorsese, you dummies...)
What about a script. Check! (Richard Price, later to write Sea of Love....)

Well fuck me silly, we've got ourselves a movie!.... go go go go.

And now see, here's the thing: this film sort of didn't do quite as well as everyone expected. What!. Why?...

Looking back at the hype prior to release you can see why people might have been disappointed. Cruise, whilst really, really good in this film, just doesn't prepare the audience to not like him too much. Newman, on the other hand is smooth, smouldering and extremely fucking cool. I don't think anyone was really ready for his character to be so... complete. Newman had come from another time, to show Cruise how it's done. The ending might even have seemed unsatisfactory, leaving many story threads unresloved. Just like life does, sometimes

If you're going to read on good review of the time (good, as in well written) go here

Now, in 2007, I suggest this is one of the purest films of the 1980's. Scorsese here is a man at the top of his game. Not showing off using circus tricks in his filming, editing, cut scenes. The script is honest, sassy, and almost entirely believable. The soundtrack is really good, and there's not a hint of the saccharine taste that so many films of the time left in your mouth.

you only have to look at how both actors progressed through the late 1980's and into the 1990's. Both of whom still appearing in influential films to this day. OK, "The Color of Money" may not of been a box office hit. It may not be either star's best work (or the Directors...) but it is brave, honest, gritty and above all entertaining. if you have already, I strongly suggest you watch this movie.

"We were always small time, but we were never clowns"

2007-10-08T14:08:00.000Z

People often laugh about the popular movies of the 1980's. And, to be fair, there are some good reasons too. What then, seemed like honest to goodness story telling, or a fantastically new idea, or just plain family values, now, can seem, saccharine, plodding, manipulative rubbish. And don't even mention the clothes.

but, amongst the, err... well... shit, there were also some really, really, really good films. I'm not going to attempt to list a zillion 1980's beauties , that would be really fucking boring, but I am going to attempt a list of of about five you've probably forgotten to remember:

So, to start us off, is this little gem:

1) The Fabulous Baker Boys (1989)

A very brief synopsis:

Brothers, Jack and Frank Baker, have been playing lounges as a piano duo for over 30 years. But things are changing, the world is not so interested in their idea of “entertainment” anymore, in fact, they’re getting paid to not play. Frank decides they need a female vocalist to keep the act going. During auditions the come across Suzie Diamond, who can really put a song over, and the act takes off. But when relations between Suzie and Jack, the younger, less committed, and more talented brother, briefly becomes more than professional, tensions surface between all three

OK... You got Director, Steve Kloves , (who's now more well known now for the Harry Potter Franhcise) and, doesn't hang about drawing us into what is a memorable, atmospheric city of the never ending night. And immediately we're given visual nods to the two main character's traits(played by real life brothers Jeff & Beau Bridges). Frank, uptight, practical, and a little self righteous, Jack, laid back, cynical, never without a cigarette. (Jeff Bridges is effortlessly cool in this film)

This could be considered a subtle deconstruction of men lost in a time that has passed. These guys live in a netherworld that few can say still exists. And there is just enough cheese, chintz and cocktail umbrellas to remind us that the time they've come from has passed for a good reason.

But there's no rush, no hurry to tell this tale.. just like the nigth clubs and lounge bars it so beautifully reconstructs, the film itself understands that the night can crawl along at a slow pace, ebbing it's way through a scotch, a cigarette and a rendition of "feelings"

Oh, and I haven't even got to the best bit yet. It's got Michelle Pfeiffer playing Suzie Diamond, they're acid tonged, femme fatale saviour. You may say to yourself right now "oh yeah, now, where do I know here from", Dangerous Liaisons, & Witches of East Wick came before, sure... but everyone remembers Ms Pfeiffer for this reason:

If you haven't see this film, or are wondeing if it might look remotely 1980's trying to look like the 1950's it so wonderfully alludes to, don't worry. It doesn't.
What this film has in spades is pure, unadulterated, class, not to mention a script that will have you wryly smiling, as well as feeling slightly hot under the collar looking at the sublime Ms Pfieffer (and that 'aint a word I use too often). There is just no way that you cannot enjoy this story unfolding.

and underneath it all, the story has so many facets that just keep you coming back time after time. It's about Brothers, Family, bonds that cannot be broken, and dream that often are.

I dare you not to lbe moved by this movie.....

The Big Lebowski - Fucking Short Version

2007-08-22T21:54:00.000Z

What an Incredible Face!

2007-08-13T18:22:00.000Z

"Work is the scourge of the drinking classes"

2007-08-10T14:40:00.000Z

So it’s Friday and, I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling a bit mingy after last night. I was excited that it was nearly the weekend and got pissed by mistake.

My girlfriend, and most of our little crew, seem to have been drinking more than usual this week (I'm on Doctors orders to cut down, due to my Liver currently being the size of The Isle of White. What does he know!)

Oh yeah, I’ve got an appetite for destruction today!, and feeling every bit a rebel. And as sick as a pike! Today’s post is in honour of all things a slightly “wrong” – do not click on any of these links!

"Ohhhh, that crack's very moorish isn't it?" :
When I'm a bit peckish, I eat my own scabs, how about you?
Not funny, not ironic, just fucking awful; seriously, do not look here if you're feeling slightly weepy.
YUMMY!
Ever wake up in the middle of the night and think "y'know, I'm just not happy with the foreskin I've currently got..." well, worry no more....
If you haven't seen Napoleon Dynamite, Don't Worry... Neither has this little prick...

that is all....

"You've Gotta be in it to win it, Innit?"

2007-08-07T10:03:00.000Z

Back in the olden days, when Big Brother was just an innocent little anthropological study, but on telly - you could sort of feel something close to empathy for some of the people that entered such a bizarre competition. I mean, we can't all be Einstein can we, but at worst, our stupidity is only shared with say, our partners and close friends, and not, for example, the entire fucking country who actually tuned in

Any hooo... moving on 6 or 7 years later, and isn't Big Brother just so much more sophisticated, eh?...

This is not some blatant flag waving psycho Circus, this is serious, relevant, referential television. This is the truth we're living right now.... Oh. My. Christ.

In medical terms…. research, advancement & cure are common watch words – And, in the sciences, new developments occur on a daily basis; Y'know the kind of thing, can we grow a human ear on the back of a mouse, fuck yeah!, can we, for example, make sheep's out of some old bit of spunk and a dish cloth?, check.... but wait .... can we make a bionic arm/leg/face/lung? and attach it to someone who really, let's face it, doesn't fucking deserve to experience such medical advancement because they're a bit thick....? check, check, and I think, now let me see, yep!, check again....

Next thing y'know they'll be growing us, like Mushrooms, in Larders and cupboards under the stairs.....

And if they do - y'know what they’ll be growing?... Will it surprise you if I say I have a theory?

Hideous little hybrids like the awful oxygen thief Charley from this year’s Big Brother –

Jesus Fucking Christ.

This c-list-star-fucking-under-achieving-attention-seeking-half-wit should not have been given a tongue. The experiment went wrong…

And now, we have to suffer the incredulous megalomaniacal little goblets of turd that fall forth from her stupid mouth.

Jade was the mark 1 version of a mushroom…. I’m so sorry for the things I’ve said in the past Jade. All is forgiven.

We’ve all asked for this. It’s our fault. We’ve created a monster made under the stairs by some 13 year boy in a crazed first chemical experiment.

And now, many will walk among us in her form, looking normal, but speaking absolute complete and utter incomprehensible sick from their stupid hybrid little mouth holes.

And there no escape, because now we have “Baby Ballroom” - yep, that’s right… can you feel the bile…. They’re breeding creepy little shits that look like humans but in dance outfits …..

You only have yourselves to blame…

this is the end

Telly's Brilliant, Innit?

2007-08-07T09:52:00.000Z

"... if something important happens anywhere in the world, day or night, you can always change the channel. " (Quote from the 1970's TV show "Taxi")

My mental TV landscape is not one of northerners talking about sheep-dip , nor is it cockney's trying to sell fruit from a "barrah" or havin' it off with the daughter of their brothers cousin. : No, my earliest TV memories are things like the Hill Street Blues theme tune, Six Million Dollar Man, Knight Rider, Harold Lloyd, Taxi, The Red Hand Gang, Twilight Zone, (it's no coincidence that all these shows come from across the pond)

And it's directly down to these shows, these TV memories, that I am who I am; Indeed, it's fair to say that American TV has subconsciously shaped my views on almost everything I believe in, I have become Americanised. (this would make sense of my shallow insincerity, and need to make everyone in the room laugh once every 15 seconds...)

It's no coincidence then, that when my girlfriend & I went to New York last February, I felt that I was literally inside a TV show. New York, & America, has all the colours turned up.... just a little bit. It is a country of extremes, everything is jurned up, or down, just a little bit;

Food is cheap, plentiful and accessible, yet the US also have some of the worst figures for food related poverty in the west. Sex is on show everywhere, in fact the US is the highest consumer of Porn related materials in the world, and yet has by contrast one of the most puritanical ideologies - and, to be honest, prudish sensibilites. There are in excess of 300 TV channesl in the US, more if you include Public Access TV, but flicking through the channels you would be forgiven to thin there are actually only a few shows ever on; "Friends", "Desperate Housewives", "Lost" or "2obloody4"

British TV, by contrast, can be a bit "twee" & amateur. However, well knownwe are to do extremely good Drama. Our D rama series' are heavily exported and extremely popular in countries such as the US, Australia and Japan (go figure).

Shows like "Our Friends in the North" "State of Play" & "Shameless" have enjoyed viewing figures to put other home grown shows to shame. In fact "State of Play" is currently in US development as a Film, with Brad Pitt linked to the project.

Also, UK TV comedy has had yet another second life, thanks to shows like "The Office" & "Black Books" as two examples, in recent years... (even though Gervaise openly admits being heavily influenced by US shows like "Seinfeld", "Arrested Development" & "Curb Your Enthusiasm", but we're not allowed to mention that....)

At the risk of treading slightly into Charlie Brookers territory, Telly is important. It's hugely influential in parts both good & bad.I'm not going to argue the Anthropological theories here, but I will use one case in point.

The Crazy Frog:

The Crazy Frog is/was a animation created to sell a ring tone. It really is as simple as that. Some people got uptight because the animated advert that was used to sell the ring tone, did show the the Crazy Frog's knackers... but ultimately, it was a vehicle to sell a product.

Because of Telly though, it became something else entirely. Despite the fact that the ring tone was rubbish, it sold in it's millions, and then, get this, they released a single that became number one in the UK top 40 charts, apparently it was number one for a million years. There is also a video game.... absolute genius, there are cartoons, sticker books, colouring in books. Sandwich boxed, rucksacks, Coffee cups. Are you getting the picture?

Telly is so good that, becuase Crazy Frog was pumped into our living rooms day after day, we actually went into shops, got out our wallets and handed over money to listen to an animated frog that had been created to sell a FUCKING RING TONE.

I think that pretty much sums it up really. We deserve everything we get.

(Orginally posted in March, or somthing...)

Bettie Be Thy Name

2007-08-01T20:32:00.000Z

Hideous over achieving attention seeker alert!

2007-07-31T14:06:00.000Z

there are something like 50 Million Blogs out there in the wilderness - all I can hope that the odd passer by looks at something here & doesn't think it's shit!

The things people will do to get attention

TV Journalist Christine Chubbuck , July 15, 1974 shot herself in the noggin on live telly!. I mean, SHE WAS ALREADY ON TELLY, how much attention do you need. She was probably just a bit tired.

It's not unusual for young children to do a runner, in the vain attempt at punishing their parents for not giving them enough chips for tea or something, adults should just know better - this story just takes it to a whole other level;

In Hollywood the normal rules don't apply: Attention seeking can go too far, often resulting in deaths that are always intriguing, and sometimes a little weird;

Peter Finch: died of massive heart attack while promoting the film Network . He was first and only actor to ever receive an Oscar posthumously; "I'm as mad as Hell, & I'm not gonna take it anymore!"

Montgomery Clift: 1957 Smashed his car into a telephone pole after leaving a jolly at the home Elizabeth Taylor. Clift needed plastic surgery, his handsome appearance permanently disfigured. The "before and after" face of Clift was obvious. Clift became ever so slightly hooked on booze and pills (well, you would...), and his health deteriorated. Clift died in 1966 at aged 45 , of complications brought on by his "slight" fags/booze/pills addictions

Judy Garland: (The Wizard of Oz.). Official cause of death: barbiturate poisoning "incautious self-over dosage", otherwise translated as, Utter madness made her think that 1 bottle of pills was a reasonable amount to take. Gay men still weep.

Elizabeth Short: AKA "The Black Dahlia" - Most disturbing of them all! Aspiring film actress found in a vacant lot in downtown L.A. her body had been "savagely mutilated" and "hacked in half at the waist." No one has ever been arrested in connection with the murder. But hey, it's OK, Coz they made a film about it

But for my money, one of the best "Look at me, I'm mad, me" attention seekers of the last 50 years just has to be Mr Evel Knievel: on his official website there is this absolute classic paragraph:

Some career highlights include:

1) Jan. 1968 - Crashed in an attempt to clear the fountains at Caesar's Palace in Los Vegas

2) May 1971 - Crashed in an attempt to clear 13 Pepsi Cola trucks in Yakima

3) March 1972 - Suffered serious injury in San Francisco's Cow Palace when his motorcycle crashed in a very difficult landing area.

4) September 1974 - After two unsuccessful unmanned test flights Evel decided to keep his word to his fans and risked his life in a specially constructed rocket powered "Skycycle" in an attempt to clear the Snake River Canyon in Idaho. Even though he made it across the quarter mile wide chasm, strong winds blew the malfunctioning parachute back into the canyon, landing just a few feet from the swirling river in which he would have surely drowned.

5) May 1975 A record crowd of over 90,000 at Wembley Stadium in London, England watched as Evel crashed upon landing, breaking his pelvis after clearing 13 double-tiered buses.

Watch this crazed hero of my childhood fall off bikes here. Call me cynical, but that's 5 career highlights I can live without!. Better still, buy one of your own.

Bless Evel, that crazy ol' drunken wife beater is still alive and suing the shit out of Kanye West for adopting a "certain likeness" in a recent Music Video ; Raise a glass to the maddest redneck on a motorbike you'll ever see jumping over stuff, needlessly (sensible people drive around...)

Where are the good heroes these days?

R.I.P: Mike Reid

2007-07-30T08:52:00.000Z

A Few Months ago I wrote a tribute to one of my biggest childhood heroes, Mr Cockney Himself, Mike Reid:

Mike went into The Big Jellied Eel Shop In The Sky over the weekend -

As Tribute to the man, I've re posted the below - Pray silence please, for the only cockney I ever Loved. Mike Reid.

......................................................................................

You basically cannot get any more Cockney than Mike Reid's character Frank Butcher from Eastenders. It's against the Laws of Engerland....

Famous for, among other things, these "classics";

"What do you think I am, some kind of pilchard?"

"You get smart with me pal, I'll come down there and give you a dry slap"

OK, taken out of context, it's not exactly Shakespeare... but you just can't get better than Mike; he started out as a comedian (first appearing on "The Comedians", which at the time was fairly cutting edge stuff, but today looks incredibly dated with its' mother-in-law jokes and "blue material") and TV Show Host (my childhood memories consist of Mike bellowing out "Run Araaahhhnnd"

Most people know & Love him as Frank Butcher from Eastenders; But he's also done some other quality, heavier parts, in my opinion, most notably in the tragically unknown "underworld" in which he plays a murderous Taxi Driver. absolute classic performance.

It's widely assumed that our friends over the water haven't got a fucking clue what we're talking about most of the time. Films like "Snatch" & "The Long Good Friday" are often met with frowns associated with foreign language films, which I suppose they are, (it's not unknown for the US Audience to use subtitles. what you really need is some kind of babel fish! ) this handy translator should help theidiots from now on, and here's a useful list if you're ever up in town, use these words as often as possible in order that you "blend in" and you don't draw unnecessary attention to yourself;

Brass = Broke No Money (also "easy lady")
Blower = Phone
Yard or Manor = Home
Filth, Copper,Old Bill, Pigs, Fuzz, Rozzers = Police
Gash, Pum Pum, Wifey = Girlfriend
Grass or Snake = An informer
Hookie, Sucked, Jacked = Stolen Items
Jack Jones = to be alone
Iron or Iron Hoof = Homosexual

Yes - we love stereo types, or at least, I do: Eel Pie & Mash, Isle of Dogs, Pearly Kings & Queens, Greyhound Racing, Alf Garnett,
gangalnd shootings -

There is nothing, nothing better in life, than a proper fucking Cockney - "Boiled Onions"

...."Two Old Chairs in the back of the Van Ee Eye Ee Eye Oh, "

" I'm not a gangster. I'm a businessman whose commodity happens to be cocaine"

2007-06-27T14:07:00.000Z

Holy shit! – If you haven’t seen Layer Cake: here are some reasons you should right now!

Daniel Craig: Mr Craig is fast becoming The Man of The Moment – “Layer Cake” was released a whole year before the announcement the he was to be the next James Bond (watch for the subtle Bond reference in LC…) But Craig has been storming all over the screens since the early nineties – earning well deserved recognition for his memorable performance as Geordie in “Our Friends in the North” (this also opened gates for Christopher Eccleston, & Mark Strong)

Highlights of Craig’s career so far are “Road to Perdition” , “Sylvia” , “Enduring Love” “Munich” “Casino Royal” all made within a short 5 years – this guy is no slouch, and was the far most deserving candidate to take the Bond baton (also working on I, Lucifer, & Bond 22.) He is the bollocks.

Michael Gambon: Put Simply – if you Don’t like Michael Gambon, you are dead to me. I first came across him in “The Singing Detective” (watch it, no…. seriously, watch it….) Here he is the world weary, bollock breaking underworld boss that everyone would kill to work for. Every word uttered is poetry, spoken with a slightly broken cockney voice that is not in any way put on – Gambon is a joy to behold on screen.

Stephen Walters: Until now, people will have seen Stephen Walters in small British Soap parts, or might recognise him for small, but worthy film parts in “51st State” or the awful Vinnie Jones remake of “The Mean Machine”. (also Guy Richie’s “Revolver, & most recently “Hannibal Rising”).

But the two most memorable parts he has played so far are as Dr. Vaughan in the criminally overlooked channel 4 “Oz” - like masterpiece “Buried” – subtle, steady, reserved and fucking excellent. And, of course, playing Shanks in Layer Cake. Stephen might only be on screen for roughly six minutes, yet his opening gambit sets the stage for some of the most excellent acting in recent history – His performance, to be frank, raises the bar on acting the part of affected , sharp “do not fuck with me” characters that are almost always hammed up…..

Supporting Cast:

Tamer Hassan (Football Factory , The Business, The Calcium Kid)
Dexter Fletcher ( Bugsy Malone, Rachel Papers, Lock Stock)
Kenneth Cranham (Shine ON Harvey Moon, Shiner, just about everything)
Jason Flemyng (for about 30 wonderful seconds….)
& Of course Sienna Miller (Who you may have heard of?.)

The Script:

J.J. Connolly wrote Layer Cake originally in Novel form, and then went on to write the Screenplay;

The novel is about a successful cocaine dealer who has earned a respected place among England’s Mafia elite and plans an early retirement from the business.

Writing a book, and then transferring your baby from page to screen is always a painful affair – But this is a pure work of enjoyment, love of the genre, and a knowing wink to all those other films that walk straight through the clichés’ and fucks around with them.

The Direction:

Not intentionally seventh on the list, Matthew Vaughn ’s Direction is pretty close to flawless. You may not know that he Produced Guy Ritchie’s “Lock Stock & Two Smoking Barrels”, “Snatch” & “Mean Machine”… (two out of three aint bad).

Richie was originally touted to take the helm of Layer cake, but bowed out, so Vaughn took over. I think this might well be the best of a line of “London Underworld” Genre that Lock Stock kicked off in 1998. Yes, Lock stock was well executed, yes Snatch made good use of inter-cutting to take what was essentially a “caper” movie and make it something a bit more “zany”, but Vaughn’s Layer cake takes essentially an excellent story, and makes it just that bit better. He may have had the Midas touch as a Producer, making his mark on British Cinema, (and giving us Vinnie Jones) toward the late 1990’s and earl 2000’s – but as a Director, he’s more than proving he can fight above his weight –

There’s nothing “wacky” or “Zany” about Layer Cake – it’s just, bloody good.

The Music:

There’s no Ocean Colour Scene, Paul Weller, Robbie Williams, or lame 90’s covers here – The music really does take the film to another level: There’s none of that “Mockney” self conscious row here – (you can buy it at http://www.amazon.co.uk/ )

A mixture of Chill Beats and some old classic tunes you’ve forgotten you know – the soundtrack alone is quality stuff, added to the mocing picture, well……..

If you’re at all interested in true “British Crime Movies”, that are as good as The Long Good Friday, Monia Lisa, Get Carter, The Italian Job, then you should definitely add this to your list: if that’s not really you’re bag, then you’re probably not reading this anyway.

"The Street is Watching, She's Always Watching"

2007-06-25T13:22:00.000Z

Carlito's Way was originally released in 1994: for Al Pacino, it's sandwiched right between The Scent of a Woman & Heat. It's interesting to note that this was not as widely successful as either of them. But it is equally as good as Heat, and a far superior movie, in every sense, to Scent....

At first, it seems that Director, Brian DePalma is entering into familiar themes addressed in his previous movies Scarface or even (on closer inspection) The Untouchables, which are both excellent examples of the "Gangster Genre". Of course, Depalma and Pacino are practically begging you to think of Scarface and Carltio's Way in the same sentence...

These are obvious comparisons; all three movies are connected in their main story themes, which are, essentially the bad guys versus the good guys,

But, from the first scene that we see Pacino, and hear his voice over, we are entering into a very different world than either Scent, or Heat:

DePalma perfectly sets the tone , immediately sending you into a Carlito's world. There is absolutely no ambiguity from the get go. You know that Carlito is a bad man. But you're preconceptions of Pacino allow for interesting play on what it means to be "bad" because, as we learn very quickly, Carlito has turned a page and is beginning to believe he can escape his past, make good the future...move on.

This theme echoes in his brief but significant meetings with one "Benny Blanco (from the Bronx)" the superb John Leguizamo. Benny see Carlito as a figure of authority, yet someone to challenge. They are inextricably linked, the past and the future of the underworld. Carlito's is reminded of himself in Benny.

As we are drawn so immediately into Carlito's world, the interplay between himself and the other main characters is never over played. It's incredibly real. Pacino does an outstanding job of being a man in the middle of a slow & painful moment of clarity...

Sean Penn plays David Kleinfeld, Carltio's sometimes Lawyer & friend and a complete liability , just kicks ass!". Carlito is consistently being drawn in to Davids seedy business deals and hilarious coke fiend rants... Sean had not really blown up in 1994. Sure, there were some excellent pieces on his CV (At Close Range, Colors, Casualties of War) but in Carlito's Way, he surpasses all expectations. Less than two years later, he was in Dead Man Walking, and that is a man at the top of his game.

This is a film that takes a really, really deep breath, and holds it for just about as long as you can before you bust something. There is the feeling that maybe a metronome is playing somewhere in the back ground, dutifully ticking off the seconds until something really bad happens.

People are forever banging on about Scarface. No doubt, because it really is a "piece of work"; every time you see it, yes, something else of note does opens itself up, requiring reconsideration of what the film really is about. I agree...( Blah blah blah...)

But there's something in Carlito that is not, nor ever will be in Scarface (and, to be fair it was never intended...) which is why, to my mind you just really cannot compare the two:

Carlito's story is a "true" tale of one mans' decision to change, no matter what, and the forces outside his control that make this decision an impossible task to undertake. In Scareface, the message is the total opposite- sheer force of will can get you anywhere you want.

Carlito's Way stands head and shoulders above most "gangster" genre from the last 10 years. It stands above films from many Genre.

The Film, Heat, ironically left me cold. I appreciate Michael Mann's style. (Manhunter, Ali, Collateral) but there is something soulless, almost deliberately, about his movies -

Depalma is not necessarily well know for having heart: but the magic is all there is Carlito's Way. Without an ounce of unneeded sentiment, this film will have Men of a certain age go a big wobbly one.

"You promised me that everything was gonna be ok, remember?"

2007-05-29T09:15:00.000Z

The Film "Requiem for a Dream" (2000) is based on a book by Hubert Selby Jr of the same name:

I haven't read the book, so, to be fair, I can't comment on how close it follows the narrative.

One thing I do know is this: Requiem is one of the most relentless movie rides you could ever experience. But you constantly want to get off.

Like wincing at road kill, the use of montage is cleverly interwoven with stark images that, try as you might, you simply cannot turn away from.

I have watched this film several times, and it always has the exact same affect. I sit there slack jawed and tense for a couple of hours, seemingly unable to draw breath - but the other night I watched it with my best friend, who had never seen, or heard of it before: seeing his reaction was almost as hard to watch as the movie itself. It was then that I knew that what this film does so well, is really get under the skin and right smack bang into the centre of the darkest soul of things.

The music just adds weight to everything you're seeing: intense & running the same theme throughout. This has to be one of the most exhausting films ever made - the story itself is not particularly hopeful, but the way the Directory Darren Aronofsky draws you in is like nothing else.....

Ultimately, you could argue that films like this are self indulgent, that movies should be happy, jolly, fun and uplifting affairs. But I disagree; whilst this films messages are essentially seen as;

"Hey!.....Drugs are bad, addiction is bad, we're all doomed, your dreams will diminish to nothing, leaving you empty and wanting"

That's actually OK with me. I don't want to be protected - I want to see behind the scenes, I dig the hideousness;

If you're a little like this too, then this film will have a profound effect. if it's not your bag, then try sticking your head in the sand.

Shut your raggedy-ass up, and sit the fuck down!

2007-05-23T08:40:00.000Z

While everyone else in the room is getting in a dizzy tizz over Quentin Tarantino's new Movie Grindhouse, (yes, I know it's a double bill with Robert Rodriguez sharing Director's credit...) I got to thinking; What is my Favourite Tarantino movie?. Which of his films, when all is said and done, can I go back to and enjoy as much now, as the first time I watched it?. I have to say, for my money, that would have to be Jackie Brown.

Jackie Brown was Tarantino's 5th time in the ring as a Movie Director, only this time the subject matter was drawn from a Elmore Leonard novel "Rum Punch"; Tarantino had, by this point, written Reservoir Dogs, Natural Born Killers & Pulp Fiction, and was carving a very plausible reputation as the Zeitgeist of the '90 film industry. It seemed, whatever he had a hand in, turned to gold...

Re-writing the novel into screenplay is always going to change the plot in some ways. That Tarantino manages to retain the essence of the story whilst altering some of the plot only magnifies his talent.

Also interesting is his casting: using A- Lister's such as Deniro & Keaton in smaller parts, whilst handing over the leading roles to veterans such as Pam Grier & Robert Forster, just shows a man at the top of his game, with laser like accuracy, he nailed every single part perfectly.

But what I like more than anything else about Jackie Brown, is the pacing. Tarantino has the ability to turn up the heat (reservoir Dogs, Kill Bill Vol's 1&2, Natural Born Killers), but here we're seeing an obviously more pensive view through the lens. Every shot is allowed to slowly unfold onto you. this is not like many other films of it's time, crashing and shouting all the way to the end without much to say. Damn it this film has depth, soul even.

And if you think you know what the film is "about", look again. There are at the very least four story lines occuring all at once, every bit as complex as say, The Godfather, or No Way Out or Glengarry Glen Ross. As the pace is so perfectly kept, you're almost seduced into believing that all these stories are one and the same thing. Like I said, look again.

I'm very exited about Grindhouse too. It seems that in the last fifteen years that I have become so interested in film, Tarantino has been an imminent force, every now and again back on the radar with a new box of tricks. Grindhouse, no doubt will expertly reinvent a genre that many didn't even know existed. No doubt there will be the obligatory Grindhouse copies in the next 18 months or so. No doubt Tarantino will be asked to dissect every frame of his new film.

But I wonder if this signifies another kind of departure. Jackie Brown was probably the most mature of him first five movies. People will pick their favourites, but none could deny that the characters within Jackie Brown are "real" enough to care for, can we actually say that of any other character, in any of his 4 films before?

The Story, the Script, the Dialogue, the Characters, it's all here: Jackie Brown is hard to beat.

2007-05-11T14:45:00.000Z

"This is England"

2007-05-08T13:53:00.000Z

“This is England” Sean Meadows film offering, comes off as something of a beautiful lament for the 1980’s. But there is nothing saccharine about the images he draws from: The Falkland War, our Iron Lady Maggie Thatcher, Miners Disputes, Unemployment:

Acting as the backdrop to something like the “everyday tale of a young boy’s short distant travel in the summer of 1983”, from bullied & oppressed flared wearing ginger, to skinhead. His charming indoctrination into a small, tight knit crew of skins is dealt with admirably, and without much deliberation.

The original skinheads, their sensibilities and beliefs are only briefly touched on – these, remember, are 2nd generation skin’s – what there about, to begin with, seems more like benign resignation that life in England in the 1980’s had little to offer; and of course, to a certain faction, they were absolutely right:

But focus is put, quite rightly, on the positives of belonging to something; something with meaning, something solid – a feeling our main character is certainly in desperate need of:

What Meadows does so perfectly here is understated reality. Every character feels so very, very real. If you, like me, where 13 years old in ’83 – then this is incredibly familiar territory
Unlike the films of say “Scum, or Made in Britain that were made in the 80’s and were dealing with similar topics on a grander scale:, the anger, frustration, pessimism & confusions of the time are kept to just one character here – who’s return into the crew brings change, and ultimately this is where the films heart rings out. (You might want to compare some of the more darker commentary to American History X,)

This is, quite honestly, one of the most beautifully accurate and painful films to come out of England in a very long time. It does not try to answer questions; it tries to show how a seemingly good souls can become seduced, changed & Ultimately, damaged:

Meadows’ lament may well be the most poetic British cinema we’ve seen so far this decade

"T'rific"

2007-04-23T14:06:00.000Z

You basically cannot get any more Cockney than Mike Reid's character Frank Butcher from Eastenders. It's against the Laws of Engerland....

Famous for, among other things, these "classics";

"What do you think I am, some kind of pilchard?"

"You get smart with me pal, I'll come down there and give you a dry slap"

Brass = Broke No Money (also "easy lady")
Blower = Phone
Yard or Manor = Home
Filth, Copper,Old Bill, Pigs, Fuzz, Rozzers = Police
Gash, Pum Pum, Wifey = Girlfriend
Grass or Snake = An informer
Hookie, Sucked, Jacked = Stolen Items
Jack Jones = to be alone
Iron or Iron Hoof = Homosexual

...."Two Old Chairs in the back of the Van Ee Eye Ee Eye Oh, "

"I Can Assure You Officer, I've Only Had a Few Ales"

2007-04-19T10:00:00.000Z

"Jesus H Fucking Christ, I feel Minge...." That hideous feeling of pig shit in your brains, dry mouthedness, bloodshot eyes that can only see from behind inch thick sunglasses, Slight wooziness to everything. Hangovers s-u-c-k.

My bad, and on a school night as well, tsk tsk....damn it all to hell - why can't I just go out, get arse holed, and then wake up without any of the downside. WHY? it's not bloody fair I tell you. My liver is 37 years old, surely, by now it must know better that to keep on quivering like a half dead Salmon.

I'm reading "Smoking in Bed: Conversations with Bruce Robinson" creator of Withnail, Screenwriter of "The Killing Fields"; utter genius & raconteur. My favourite quote so far:

"I can't blame (her) for my alcoholism, I can only blame wine & my mouth for that"
Quite so Bruce, you beautiful man, quite so

"Damn, I'm Hungry!"

2007-04-17T19:45:00.000Z

soooooo, it's been a while, sorry - I've been out of town: just a few things I wanted to show:

Get me a God damn Burger!
This is cool!
Bush: Idiot Savant? or just.plain.stoopid?
Remember Manimal?...... I've always wanted to be a wolf!
We are all doomed!
never owe rent to this bitch!
The Japanese are crazy aren't they?
Germs + Women = genius commentary
Tiger Woods must have started this way
A flood tide of filth is engulfing our country!

I promise to be back with avengence....

The Dude Abides

2007-04-17T14:12:00.000Z

Gervais; ok, your a bit fat, but damn you're funny!

The Dude Abides#links

"What shall we do now Mark?.....

2007-04-05T09:47:00.000Z

Build a tent in the living room and eat Dairy lea? Is that what you want? 'Cos that's what's gonna happen!"

-Jeremy: Peep Show, Series 2

Hussah! Peep Show returns to UK screens on Friday 13th April for series 4. Prepare to laugh until you're a bit sick on yourself....

All 3 previous series are up on my tube right now: They've also set up a myspace page with video and pic's and stuff. It really is one of the best shows on on UK telly.
YOU MUST WATCH: If you don't know who "Super Hans" is.....

"that Crack really is moorish...."

2007-04-04T10:25:00.000Z

Charlie Brooker
Monday February 26, 2007
The Guardian:

Abridged Version: You can read the whole article here

You know how sometimes you develop an obsession with a writer's work, and decide to seek out their entire oeuvre and inhale their every word, even if you don't really know what an "oeuvre" is or what it looks like? Well, I do that for masochistic reasons. I actively enjoy reading people I can't stand. When they write something particularly horrid, a wave of nausea surges through me and my pulse quickens. I am hooked on it, like a base jumper compelled to leap off chimney stacks for the adrenaline rush. Consider it a sickness.

Previous obsessions have included Liz Jones of the London Evening Standard (specialist subjects: new age spa treatments and marital despair), and the Barefoot Doctor, who used to write for the Observer.
The latter took over my life for several months. Everything he said incensed me. He gushed a wild river of bullshit, which I swam through open-mouthed, savouring the taste. I even bought one of his books - a "guide to urban survival"; an incredible how-to manual apparently designed to help shallow, cosseted airheads become even more self-obsessed, justifying their unhinged narcissism as spiritual development.

It outlined concepts such as "people-surfing" - which seemed to involve deliberately developing superficial relationships for personal gain - and "visualisation". If you wanted a new laptop, he said, you should picture yourself throwing a magic lasso around it, and before long it would be yours in real life (assuming you walked into a shop and bought it at some point).

And now I have a new obsession, this time with a blogger. Not just any old blogger, mind - this one's a showbiz journalist with a celebrity girlfriend. He is called Joe Mott and he writes for the Daily Star. His blog, archived at dailystar.co.uk/blog , is the single most dazzling body of work I have encountered in years. I urge you to read it yourself. It heaves with demented beauty.

At the top of the page squats a photo of our hero, grinning like a man who has just found £10,000 up his arse, beside the legend "Joe Mott's HOT". The word "HOT" appears to be made of gold. Over this, a little textual strap informs us that Joe Mott's HOT is "AWARD-WINNING". Sadly it is not clear what sort of award it was. Perhaps he entered a competition to see who could devise the most infuriating byline imaginable. If so, he deserved to win.

The byline on its own is enough to trigger my coveted puke-surge, but beneath it, thrillingly, Mott has actually written several hundred words about his incredible life. Within seconds he is describing a rowdy night out with some "fellow journos" and bragging about getting a Lotus Europa ("it's small, fast and arousing"). Slightly annoying, but this is Mott Lite. Scroll further down and you strike gold.

Mott recounts his night at the Baftas. He starts by ticking off "charmless man" Daniel Craig, who "had less charisma than the spotty youth who took my ticket on the way in ... come on son, you're James Bond ... you could have larged it at the parties afterwards ... sort it out."

This, and other meaty Brooker archived gems(?) can be found at the Guradian Unlimited

"Lobsterisimus bumakissimus"

2007-04-03T09:23:00.000Z

"Worst job I ever 'ad?, was errr, picking lobsters out of Jayne Mansfields bum!!!! Lobsterisimus bumakissimus"

It takes a lot of mental strength to not actually piss myself from laughing when I think of Derek & Clive: (or Peter Cooke & Dudley Moore) And of course, much has been said of these two, once "Friends" and loyal companions; much has been debated on their complex relationship, the bitter power struggles, the bullying.... yes. Lot's of people have taken it upon themselves to espouse their ideas as to what the hell happened.

And now they're both dead as Dodo's......

But let's not dwell on the tragedy, no!, let's guffaw!: this dialogue is taken from the wincingly uncomfortable TV/Doc/Comedy/Sketch/nightmare that was "Derek & Clive Get The Horn" :

Clive: I tell you one thing I can't stand.

Derek: Tell me.

Clive: About Russia, is the dead bodies in your hotel room.

Derek: Oh, Blimey, yeah.

Clive: Because I booked into, you know, a second class hotel, second class hotel, two stars. And, er, I asked, er, room service, erm, you know, for a light meal because I was going sight seeing the next morning. And I said I'd like some chips and, er, steak, medium rare and,er, banana fritter, you know, and this bloke come up to the room and frankly it wasn't what I ordered. He brought up, er, three thousand dissidents.

Derek: Oh, God.

Clive: With their testicles attached to electrodes. And I said call this fucking room service? Not room service, I said. I asked for chips, steak and banana fritters. I get three thousand fucking dissidents on a tray.

Derek: What are they trying to pull, eh? They think we're cunts.

Clive: I said, if you're expecting a tip, mate, if you're expecting a tip, you can get the fuck out of my hotel room.

Derek: Yeah.

Clive: Anyway, they just dumped them down on the floor. All these dissidents. I got talking to them, some nice blokes, actually. There's Sergia, er, Wolankov. Sergia Wolankov.

Derek: Oh, Wolankov, yeah.

Clive: He wrote some poetry, he wrote the poem saying, er, the Soviet Union is a khazi, Mr Breznev is a cunt, and, er, er, I want my freedom, you see. And he published that in a dissident newspaper.

Derek: I'd rather be room serviced than in prison. Clive: I'll say one thing for Russia, the health service is tremendous.

Derek: Oh, yeah.

Clive: As soon as you're ill, they kill you

R.I.P you beautiful Men!

"What will I be when I grow up?"

2007-04-02T10:03:00.000Z

Sorry for the crappy posts the last couple of days, my evil twin brother got hold of my not-so-secret, secret password and posted banality. I’ve had to kill him off, (pillow over the face , after a weekend bender: never fails) and am now part of the Clifton Hill Witness Protection Plan.

I’m disguised as a mid 30’s “London Media Type” who’s just relocated from Bedfordshire down to Brighton. My new “fake” wife (Geraldine) is a Graphic Designer who works from home, she also writes copy for an obscure American Band fanzine; we read the “Telegraph”, we’re extremely involved in local politics, and are concerned about the community, Green Issues and Resident Allocated Parking Spaces. OH. MY. FUCKING. CHRIST: Whoa there!, what just happened?.

I think I’m on the turn… turning into…..something……hideous……..must, reverse, the feelings of inertia and impending property price rises…..must, do, something pointless and expensive. Must escape inevitable black hole. Fight it, fight it, fight it!

2007-03-31T20:57:00.001Z

Photo of the day website that I came across today, no explanation given to who took the pictures or where they were taken:

if you're even slightly interested in Alfred Hitchcock, then this is a site to check out

Oh yeah, the PS3 has finally arrived (if you can get your hands on one...). This is the link to the promotional website.

Happy Easter!
this is, well, I dunno....

'I'm afraid that I was very, very drunk'.

2007-03-29T12:23:00.000Z

God, I love the intermenet. The catalogue of stuff that just seems to have no end, limitless and dark and without any real sense, like space innit?.

Glorious links to this genius creation from Paul Whitehouse writer and comedien off The Fast Show (said to be the definitive comedy sketch show of the 1990's... yes, it really has been that long.) , I bring you. Rowley Birkin QC

other stuff for you today:

Girls, if you like that HEAT Magazine, you'll love this; Weekly subscription to libelous smut on the great and good of celeb land

You know what I was idly thinking? what if I could set up my very own Michael Bolton Tribute, on Ice?. I mean, everybody loves Michael Bolton, right?, and everyone loves Ice skating right?. I'm fucking quids in. But you know what?, someone else has only gone and done it. Shit...

Here is an excellent website defamer for Hollywood bottom feeders

I LOVE LISTS:

Empire Magazine have listed 2007 top 100 movies in their forum section . Hmmm, I'm not sure that I agree with all the listings , but the reviews are written by readers of the magazine, and for the most part, give pretty good arguments as to why their votes count. the complete list is on the forum, but here's a gist:

1st Place: The Godfather (1972)

10th Place: Aliens (1986)

20th Place: The Big Lebowski (1999)

30th Place: City of God (2002)

40th Place: Memento (2000)

50th Place: Shaun of the Dead (2004)

60th Place: Dawn of the Dead (1978)

70th Place: Annie Hall (1977)

80th Place: The Truman Show (1998)

90th Place: Spiderman 2 (2005)

100th Place: Paris, Texas (1984)

A lot of very contemporary films creeping in at high numbers on the list. This is obviously not definitive, there are a lot of other film website with listings, but Empire does have a very strong following in the UK, and so can be taken seriously to a large degree. I don't agree with the list above for a number of reasons - mainly though because it's only representative of the last 20-30 years of film.

this is just weird;

Salad Fingers
Monster!
Holy Shit!
your life is meaningless and will amount to nothing, look at what this guy achieved, you idiot!

here endeth the lesson.

"God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things.

2007-03-29T09:29:00.000Z

....Right now I am so far behind that I will never die” - Bill Watterson: Calivin & Hobbs comic strip writer.
As newspaper comic strips go, Calvin & Hobbs is up there with Charlie Brown. Whatever, I just like the quote, I like this one too:

"You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club..." Jack London (Author, "Call of the Wild" , "White Fang")

Anyhoooo. No particular theme today, which might annoy or frustrate some of you wanting me to stay on a straighter, narrower path. Don't fence me in!.

Whenever I'm looking for inspiration, I'm reminded of a passage from one of my favourite stories by James Baldwin (You can find out all you need to know about this amazing man from the link)

There is a short story named "Sonny's Blues" taken from a book of short stories and essay's "Going to meet the Man" The Story tells of two brothers in the early 1950's, both polar opposites in their experience of life; in particular the passage reflects on questions that resonate through all of Baldwin's work, questions on identity and personal meaning, only, in this case he goes some way trying to establish a point beyond certainty;

"For, while the tale of how we suffer, and how we are delighted, and how we may triumph is never new, it must always be heard. There isn't any other tale to tell, it's the only light we've got in all this darkness."

Of course, there are a number of ways this could be interpreted, and, taken out of the context of the book, even more ways to understand it. (if you want, you can read the paragraph in context here)

I've always chosen to remember this passage as an explanation to all things. Our "life tales" are meaning enough, and that is all the inspiration I need.

"If I had back, all the money I'd ever spent on Beer..."

2007-03-28T08:18:00.000Z

"....I'd spend it all on Beer..."

This is my local pub, The Crescent, it's located on Clifton Hill in Brighton. It's a proper pub, as opposed to a bar - if you don't know the difference, it might not be your kind of gig.... but it's a good place with a lovely bunch of staff who are genuinely friendly, plus the beer is good.

They're starting a promotion on Saturday & Sunday nights: 70p off all draught pints - which means a pint of Foster is £2.30, or a Guinness £2.50, which can't be bad. the really good news is that it's an all night price, after 7pm. Happy Days!!!!

2007-03-27T14:26:00.000Z

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."

- Rita Mae Brown (Civil Right Activist)

"Hello, I'm the Devil Incarnate"

2007-03-26T13:50:00.000Z

This is Jeremey Kyle..... Jeremey "Jezza" Kyle's imaginatively titled TV Show "The Jeremy Kyle Show" tells us all we need to know about the current social climate in the UK।

Well, it does, if sitting at home in your "Pineapple" tracksuit bottoms chuffing on 60 Rothmans, and scarfing down any fast food solids within reach, signifies the "Common Man or Woman in England"

sorry, but I think he.is.a.twit

Right, now that's over I can get on with me day. No links today..... oh, okay, just one: "Sunshine" (new Danny Boyle movie ) is due out in a couple of weeks, this is a little competition to promote this (probably) excellent film; more info here too

"Drink, Drank, Drunk"

2007-03-23T10:00:00.000Z

So it’s Friday and, I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling a bit mingy after last night. I was excited that it was nearly the weekend and got pissed by mistake.

Especially this one : Heather Mills-McCartney's next Bandwagon : Words fail me :
"Ohhhh, that crack's very moorish isn't it?" :
When I'm a bit peckish, I eat my own scabs, how about you?
Not funny, not ironic, just fucking awful; seriously, do not look here if you're feeling slightly weepy.
YUMMY!
Ever wake up in the middle of the night and think "y'know, I'm just not happy with the foreskin I've currently got..." well, worry no more....

40% off wine at Threshers, seriously, just print out this voucher

An Imitation of Life

2007-03-22T10:58:00.000Z

Blade Runner, Possibly the definitive Science Fiction movie of the early 1980's.

It's courted controversy is now as established into the cult & pop psyche as the movie itself. The dubbed voice over, The final edited scene, The addition of a Unicorn. Ridly Scott on /off relationship with the financiers These have all added weight to the story of a film about Replicants.

But Phillip K Dick's Novel, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? , of which the film is tenuously based on, did not lend itself well to the medium of film . The language is difficult to translate, and the dystopian landscape within can be hard to imagine, it's full of the uncomfortable colour of a world gone wrong.

The central story line of the book is disjointed and difficult to sum up in a few words. I can imagine trying to pitch the book to a Hollywood producer would bring even the best out in a sweat.

The book was originally released in 1968 and was received about as well as any book describing a mans decent into confusion and doubt can ever be. Flash forward to the early 1980's and Dick's work was in development with some of the central characters intact. The rest came from the hearts and minds of screenwriters Hampton Fancher & David Peoples. On it's original release, Blade Runner did not receive particularly favourable reviews, and audiences did not necessarily embrace this idea of the future.

When the VHS rental phenomena began in the mid to late 1980's in the UK, the film begun to get its legs. Now of course, it's unusual to meet someone who hasn't seen it, and most of who have, consider it at least a work of weight and interest.

2007 will see what I think will be called "Blade Runner (25th Anniversary Final Cut)" which I believe will be Ridley Scott's attempt to put all the bits of all the other previous releases (of which there have been 7 so far) into some coherent order with extra scenes, deleted scenes, interviews, trivia etc into one 3 disc set (or something).

It's interesting to note that, as a philosophical comment on what it means to be "human", Blade Runner has few contemporary Science Fiction films on which it can be compared. As a visual aid to what an imagined future may look like, it's undeniably close to what we're living in now. Technologically speaking, many of the "Hi Tech" gadgets we see fleetingly in the film are commonplace items today:

But actually, all these effects or visions of a future are really just a backdrop to a very human question which threads throughout Blade Runner.

"Who am I?"

And, in fact, the one character that portrays in some way the pursuit for an answer is Roy Batty (pictured above), though his conclusion may not be a reassuring one, it is a most certain truth for his character; The irony of course, is that he is essentially far from human.

Some of Batty's last words reflect the truth of things;

“I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe...All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain."

You don't have to be a fan of Science Fiction to Enjoy this film. You don't have to be an advocate of all things new. There's a sense throughout the film that actually technology is taking over human space, and certainly not always in a good way.

Oddly, for a film with very little dialogue, this is in someways an extremely pensive view on frailty.

...See this film:

The great thing about television is.....

2007-03-21T09:37:00.000Z

".... that if something important happens anywhere in the world, day or night, you can always change the channel. " (Quote from the 1970's TV show "Taxi")

The Crazy Frog:

I think that pretty much sums it up really. We deserve everything we get.

"Why Can't I Get An Audition?"

2007-03-20T14:18:00.000Z

In Brighton, If you throw a stick, you'll hit someone who says they're in the "Creative Industries" (for the record, sitting in your pants, uploading your CV to "Stage" website, does not make you an actor...). You've only got to go on Myspce and type in Brighton to be bombarded with "Talent". (I'm not fecking linking that!)

The Famous for 15 minutes idea has been buzzing around my head today. (and let's face it, I'm Subconsciously trying to gain notoriety with this blog... damn you Freud...!). You see it in the heavily edited audition tapes of every "Pop Idol","Feck Factor", "Shag ME! Academy" show. Everyone wants , nay, deserves to be on telly.... (& Famous, and Rich and Happy...)

I love the bizarre caravan dwelling family stampedes to "nasty" Simon Cowell's desk; c'mon Simon, just listen to my little Kylie sing again, p-l-e-a-s-e;

But no, She could be juggling cats.... Simon's word is as strong as Oak. He will not relent. and rightly so. In the Bible it says something about when there's no more space in Hell, then the dead will rise and roam the streets. I get the distinct feeling that Cowell is holding the key to the door. allowing the odd Satan's Angel to sneak out for some airtime, to save us all from more of this: just think of hundreds of thems stumbling about the gaff.

Ray Quinn, sort of an Eddie Munster meets Chucky Doll nightmare has been given public clearance to bleet out his blandness onto a poor unsuspecting public. In fairness, though. some of you actually voted for him. Don't you know what you doing, you're giving him artistic plausibility, put that phone down!.

Ray's Album consists of mainly Frank Sinatra & Dean Martin Crooning type numbers; Frank is said to have had one of the most technically pure voices of a generation, widely known for his impeccable tone and nuanced performances. His version of "My Way", for examply, has a depth of meaning that truly transcends just music, it's history, it's man telling his life story. It's fucking art...

Ray's little mouth cannot possibly ascribe to this: He's little brains have yet to understand the deeper meaning of true success or abject failure. In short, he is a BOY. The greatest Tragedy is that for some, Ray's scary little face and soulless voice might be as close to Frank or Dean's genius & perfection as they'll ever get. Believe it or not, I consider that a greater tragedy than say, Steps not reuniting.

But how can we blame him, in a world where "Smash Hits Re-hab pin up" Robbie Williams has lost so much credibility. I mean, 60 fags & 10 cans of red bull a day is probably going to give you a bit of a headache, but rehab? C'mon Robbie, you used to be beautiful.

As the late great Bill Hicks used to scream "I want my Rock Stars Dead!". But they don't die anymore, the keep on bouncing back.

"Am I Mingin'?"

2007-03-19T20:50:00.000Z

Like a road accident you slow down on the motorway to look at, .... I've watched in slack jawed awe the hideousness that has been the PR circus of Miss Jade Goody. She has raised the bar on mediocrity to such a degree, even G, G, G Gareth Gates has retired. Andy Warhol said; "In the future we'll all be famous for 15 minutes", I'm not convinced he meant this:

I'm not going to get into wagon jumping that has occurred in recent Weeks' (I've always thought she was a twat, and I am obviously superior for knowing this...) Instead, I thought I'd highlight some classic Goody Twatery: (I don't care that that isn't a word, I'm on the moral high ground tonight...)

These wordy delights all came from Goody's silly little mouthole:

Rio de Janeiro, ain't that a person?
What's a sparagus? Do you grow it?
Sherlock Holmes invented toilets.
Mother Theresa is from Germany.
It's Mona Lisa who's symmetrical, innit?
They were trying to use me as an escape goat.
Do you play croquet on a horse?

It's one thing to be bit "challenged", but it's entirely another for the rest of us to have to watch it. The fact the somehow we seemed to have applauded this idiocy for three years or so is just as criminal as her getting paid for being a caaaahhhnnt; but there you go: we'll always have Stars in Their Eyes

couple of things to take your mind of it all:

Frogger or watch some TV on your PC (good link...) or this or this

Spot the Family Resemblance?

2007-03-19T12:27:00.000Z

Sundays I spend with my daughter, Eva: She’s four-and-a-half years old. She’s my little freak! In the last year she has developed a charm offensive that’s something to behold; most people who come into direct contact with her go weak at the knees and start to give her money. Though I think she’s eternally cute, I am immune to her dimples… mostly: Eva’s pretty much like most four year old girls, she likes pink clothing , “Bratz” and Dogs, she like running along walls, squirrels’ in the park and swings. She's recently started Ballet & Drama, God help me if she turns out like this: (I'm the one below by the way, aha hahahha bwahahhhaha...) Now that's out of the way - let no more be said on the matter. I promise not to post any more pictures of Eva and say really rubbish things like:" awww, look her her, like a little angel innit?."

I bumped into my friend Simon Dixon last night, a most excellent popular culture artist. Simon's looking for a new studio in Brighton, If anyone knows anyone with a decent space in town that's going spare, get in touch:
In the early 90's a friend introduced me to J.R. "Bob" Dobbs. For one reason or another I'd totally forgotten about "The Church of the Subgenius" Now I'm thinking about becoming ordained...

"Mother of God!"

2007-03-17T22:00:00.000Z

In 1985 Weird Science was released: I was fifteen yeas old, and Kelly LeBrock started to happen to me. I can't be sure how many times I went to see the movie, it's all a bit of a blur. But what I do remember was siting there in the theatre, mouth slightly ajar, dropping the odd piece of popcorn vaguely toward it.

To a fifteen year old boy, she embodied every secret thought of what a woman should be. There's no doubt that her acting talent was, well, virtually non existent what a shame this happened to her. Ah well. Life.Moves.On.

"Bettie be Thy Name"

2007-03-16T17:26:00.000Z

"Wowsers!"

I probably don't have to tell you why Bettie Page was one of the most popular Pin-Ups of her time (1950's, mostly). Here is some really interesting info on Bettie, and here is a decent gallery - I'd wait until you get home to view this:

in 2005 Gretchen Mol starred as Bettie Page in "The Notorious Bettie Page", which got pretty favourable reviews (Gretchen does look uncannily like Bettie, and then, err, not at all). Bettie, now in her 77th year, is finally getting some recognition as an "artist". I wouldn't know about that, but she looks deadly in stockings. Interesting also to mention that Harold Lloyd ("A Pair of Glasses & a Smile") also took to some interesting photography after retirement from movies....

Today, there's a new girl bringing Burlesque into the mainstream. No one is doing a better job, or showing more passion for the style and ideology than Dita Von Teese. There's a great book about Burlesque by Teese, which is definitely worth a look into: (It's art, so strictly speaking the nude pictures are actually a comment modern society. In other words, it's OK to look...) The best news is, she's no longer with Marilyn Manson. So knock yourself out!

"Your rolled up sleeves, and your skull t-shirt"

2007-03-16T14:28:00.002Z

- Amy Winhouse: "You Know I'm No Good"

; "You say why did you do it with him today?And sniff me out like I was Tanqueray "
crackin' line:
She's ever so slightly bonkers, but I like it: She's got that B-movie-gak-head-rockabilly-chic-thing going on, or something

I got this T-shirt from Howcool.com (Ignore the suspect lingerie section, and just go straight to the T-Shirts)

I think it was about $25 (but no shipping or Import costs) which is a bargain, it's extremely good quality too.

There seems to be a resurgence of Rockabilly in Brighton You can also check out the Engine Rooms website for listings and stuff: "It's too cool for school daddy!" - but the Vince Ray Tattoos are just about the coolest thing there is... 20 Camels, a switchblade and a greasy jelly roll....

"I'm A Dark Little Poet Tonight"

2007-03-15T14:49:00.000Z

"I don't mean to sound cold or cruel or vicious, but I am so that's the way it comes out."

-Bill Hicks, 1961-1994

... it's 1993, and my good friend Jo Young introduces me to a recording of comedian Bill Hicks (Rant in E-Minor), I was hooked and immediately became a complete fan. 1 year later, Bill was dead; he was 33 years old . RIP you dark little poet...

Now I know I'm not the only person to say this, but there's always been a special place in my heart for Hicks. He was, after all, something of a poet of our times. He did not dress up political confusion, and he certainly didn't have all the answers, but he did make you think about shit that was under the surface, and for that I am eternally grateful.

Couple of books that are either about him or written by him. Both are definitely worth reading, as they say as much about the times & Political climate Bill lived in as they do about the man himself.

Of course, Bill was gaining something of a cult status in the UK for his outspoken Stand Up Routines; some of the official recordings are here, but it's really not hard to find his stuff.

interestingly, and unlike some of his peers, Hick's material does not seem to have dated at all, in fact, it's become eerily topical , and there is also a Poignancy to his work - not least one of his most memorable comments during the "revelations" shows that were aired not long before he passed away. (insert lump in throat here)

"The world is like a ride in an amusement park and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and around and around and it has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud. And it's fun - for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question; is this real? Or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, and they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because... this is just a ride."

- Bill Hicks

"Don't Drive a Car When You're Dead"

2007-03-15T09:32:00.000Z

...Wise words Graham, wise words. This is Graham "Two Bob" Branch. (I know his face might look familiar, but I promise you, he is not from bumfights. I've known Graham (about as well as he'll let you know him) for about 10 years. he was the first person I ever served, on my first shift, Shakespeare's Head Pub, Brighton. I haven't been able to get rid of him yet. (Just look at his face....)

I never thought I'd say this out loud, but I think everyone should have a Graham Branch in their lives. I mean, how else would I have been educated on the genius of Thelonious Monk ("Thelonious Monk me up, buttercup!") , The Grandeur of Graham Green's Brighton Rock ("You're milky Spicer!") or Henry Holland's Architecture of Brighton's Pavilion. Similarly, I would never of had the pleasure of listening to the entire history of Grahams' teeth (pictured are his brand spanking new ones), or stories of his terrible depressions (I'm terribly depressed) , not to mention his interesting choices in female company. The many, many faces of Graham include; Graham the Hospitality Rep, Graham the Taxi Driver, Graham the Estate Agent, Graham the Gardener.

There's something poetic about seeing him glide through my local pub, drunk as a lord, whirling dervish arms flailing, as if after a session of Electro Therapy. and it's all down to the this "little slurpette"

Graham, I salute you, and all that sail near to you!: "Get a Lifestyle"

As tribute, today's blog is devoted, in part, to those rogue imbibers, old soaks, grand lushes, those royally tanked and oiled amongst us: to the pissed and the damned!

Some people just know exactly what to say:

"I feel sorry for people that don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day": Frank Sinatra

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools": Ernest Hemingway

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her": W.C. Fields

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy": Benjamin Franklin

"Champagne For My Real Friends, Real Pain For My Sham Friends"

I've always had a fascination with the self destruction and degradation that often comes with a drinkers life (Fact: I have woken up with my face in sick at least a once in my adult life. Not pretty, or romantic, or something you tell a women on a first date.) Charles Bukwoski, Jack Kerouac, John Fante, George Best, Oliver Reed, All of them beautifully fucked up and hideous and wonderful:

Some other Glorious & Beautiful Freaks:

Dylan Thomas: At the age of 39, Doctors' told Thomas that to continue to drink was to die, but he drank on. "Do not go gentle into that good night," he wrote. "Rage, rage against the dying of the light." He died suddenly of acute alcoholism in the midst of his 1953 U.S. lecture tour.

Edgar Alan Poe: A college classmate once wrote; "Poe's passion for strong drink was as marked and as peculiar as that for cards . . . without a sip or a smack of the mouth he would seize a full glass and send it home at a single gulp." Poe, at 27, married. She was 13 years old and tubercular at the time; when she died, Poe, in his anguish sought relief in alcohol and drugs. He died after a drinking bout, at the age of 40. "Nevermore!"

Jackson Pollock: Pollock kept himself sober for the purposes of splattering enamel paint over floor-bound canvas . But when drunk, Pollock raged, and chose to do a lot of public pissing . Stunted by the pressure of sudden stardom, he got depressed, drunk and unproductive. He was killed after driving his a car into a tree, killing one other passenger. It was rumoured to be suicide. My guess is he may have been drinking... dribble:

Charlie Brooker, you're my Hero!

2007-03-14T15:35:00.000Z

Charlie Brooker's Screen Wipe & Screen Burn are literally about the only things that make me laugh until I feel sick. His BBC4 show was on irritatingly late, but I would wait up, sitting there looking like a dog being shown a card trick, hanging on to his every word, laughing like a school boy who just heard his first fart joke. Long live Charlie Brooker....

Some may know that he was in part responsible for "Brass Eye" "TV Go Home" & "Nathan Barley" this may be a decent link to some of his stuff : His wit is extremely acerbic and not to everyone's taste admittedly, but Genius is so rarely well received isn't it? (pompous arse)

TV Ideas that we'll never see:

Don’t you point at me!
Channel 4 funds a new documentary experience: Would-be TV presenter hopefuls are given a film crew for 1 day . Their task: to point at random members of the public until a fight erupts, possibly with more than one recipient, and hopefully in a 24 hour convenience store just off the Muswell Hill roundabout

Llama's On Ice:
Watch in awe as Llama’s ice skate & then occasionally spit at two year old children in the audience: presented by Natasha Kaplinsky

Women are from Mars, Men Don't Care
“It’s a Knockout” style survival game show. The Female Vs Male eternal “battle” is played out: Each week there is a different theme (Medieval, Biblical, Watts Riots…) the end inevitably involves a death by bludgeoning with a tyre iron. – presented by Jeremy Kyle.

Mark Kermode’s 50’s throw back Cook Off:
50’s style throwback Mark Kermode presents late night bed-sit cooking show. C-list Celebrities stagger onto the set half cut, after drinking Czechoslovakian wines in the green room. They reminisce about their first flat shares & embarrassing sexual experience at Stage School , whilst microwaving a baked potato – Kermode shouts at them, and discusses European Cinema, making C-Lister's and audience alike feel inadequate. (BBC4, possibly)

Tim Burton's Gothic Makeovers
Tim Burton does Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen makeovers of inner city housing Projects. Watch as Hooded A.S.B.O gun runners come home to find their flats have been painted opaque black from floor to ceiling, and decorated with figurines of Edward Scissor Hands, displayed in glass cabinets…

Cat Mangler!
Woozy – experimental visual hijacking: Ray Winston literally mangles cats through a Victorian Landry Mangle, whilst shouting things like “Shut it you scroat” Music by Lemon Jelly.

"Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world"

2007-03-14T09:40:00.000Z

The quote is from Actress & Comedienne Lily Tomlin; and it's (almost) my sentiments exactly!

Looking back on previous posts of the last few days, it's clear that there is already a pattern emerging in terms of content: So, what we're looking at is a film/TV/Music/Pop culture reference blog. Damn it all!, I thought I was making this slightly quirky-original-kooky-unique-please-like-me!-blog- blog.....

Now I realise there's a bit of a problem with that intention; there are something like 50 Million Blogs out there in the wilderness - all I can hope that the odd passer by looks at something here & doesn't think it's shit!

The things people will do to get attention

TV Journalist Christine Chubbuck , July 15, 1974 shot herself in the noggin on live telly!. I mean, SHE WAS ALREADY ON TELLY, how much attention do you need. She was probably just a bit tired.

In Hollywood the normal rules don't apply: Attention seeking can go too far, often resulting in deaths that are always intriguing, and sometimes a little weird;

Peter Finch: died of massive heart attack while promoting the film Network . He was first and only actor to ever receive an Oscar posthumously; "I'm as mad as Hell, & I'm not gonna take it anymore!"
Montgomery Clift: 1957 Smashed his car into a telephone pole after leaving a jolly at the home Elizabeth Taylor. Clift needed plastic surgery, his handsome appearance permanently disfigured. The "before and after" face of Clift was obvious. Clift became ever so slightly hooked on booze and pills (well, you would...), and his health deteriorated. Clift died in 1966 at aged 45 , of complications brought on by his "slight" fags/booze/pills addictions
Judy Garland: (The Wizard of Oz.). Official cause of death: barbiturate poisoning "incautious self-over dosage", otherwise translated as, Utter madness made her think that 1 bottle of pills was a reasonable amount to take. Gay men still weep.
Elizabeth Short: AKA "The Black Dahlia" - Most disturbing of them all! Aspiring film actress found in a vacant lot in downtown L.A. her body had been "savagely mutilated" and "hacked in half at the waist." No one has ever been arrested in connection with the murder. But hey, it's OK, Coz they made a film about it
But for my money, one of the best "Look at me, I'm mad, me" attention seekers of the last 50 years just has to be Mr Evel Knievel: on his official website there is this absolute classic paragraph:

Some career highlights include:

1) Jan. 1968 - Crashed in an attempt to clear the fountains at Caesar's Palace in Los Vegas

2) May 1971 - Crashed in an attempt to clear 13 Pepsi Cola trucks in Yakima

3) March 1972 - Suffered serious injury in San Francisco's Cow Palace when his motorcycle crashed in a very difficult landing area.

5) May 1975 A record crowd of over 90,000 at Wembley Stadium in London, England watched as Evel crashed upon landing, breaking his pelvis after clearing 13 double-tiered buses.

Watch this crazed hero of my childhood fall off bikes here. Call me cynical, but that's 5 career highlights I can live without!. Better still, buy one of your own.

That's not even the tip of the iceberg - I'll save that for another day:

And in Other News:

My Girlfriend has had a continuing battle with the banality and bureaucracy of our local Council in Brighton regarding parking permits; (I don't drive so it's not really my rant...) I'll have to add a point or too here when I've spoken to her about the actual facts of the matter - rather than make unsubstantiated remarks that amount to rumour & conjecture - after all, I wouldn't want to get sued by the council - imagine that...

We live in a fairly nice part of Brighton: But the Council are total Mung Bean eaters. I mean, only in Brighton could a City Council take years to decide what should happen to this until this finally happens: Bloody shameful, the only A-listed Pier left in the UK, now stuck out there like a discarded Turkey Carcass. So, if they can't sort out a stationary structure in the sea, what chance have you got with a parking permit!.

Plug of The Day:

Red Nose Day is Friday 16th March here is the website to contribute. I will no doubt drop some coins into a bucket at my local pub

"I Hate Dogs"

2007-03-13T21:39:00.000Z

".. no you don't" says my girlfriend;

"You love Archie...."

Archie belongs to our Friends, Ian & Steve. He is a very cool dog (Pictured left , in Cornwall November 2006) Labrador's are so funny. He's a total idiot, but you gotta love him:

It's true, I'm a total sap for his stupid little face!. (not as stupid as this one ) Thought it would be good to add a picture of him here.

The missus is happy I have a new hobby (i.e. this blog) I'll remind her of that in a couple of months time.... So let's get cookin'!

As this is the random section today, here's what I've come up with:

Anyone who liked "Six Feet Under" will want to check this: (this is quite hard to find, so it will no doubt go down in a matter of days)
New Bands, MP3 downloads & free stuff @ "This Is fake"
Amy Winehouse: Ever so slightly wrong, but so right! She simply has the best voice out there right now, even if she does come across as some kind of 1950's b-movie gak freak. - "get yer 'and of 'errr, she mine you cahhnt" it's like watching a car crash in slow motion, innit?. this is good too
A short animation called Rabbit: Imagine, if you will, those old ladybird ABC books, combined with symbolism of Fight Club. Bit weird, but in a good way.
We got a Wii recently - so far , so ordinary; but "Rayman Raving Rabbids" is a right fecking laugh! forget the game - the "Rabbids" rule

I think that's enough for one day....

"It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information"

2007-03-13T13:38:00.001Z

The quote is from Oscar Wilde

The Picture is by an Artist called Varga
He was Hungarian, and drew just about the best airbrush pictures of Pin Up Women for Esquire Magazine before & After World War II.

I've been sending random links by e-mail to friends for a while now, in the vain hope that they would carry on thinking I was an OK person(!) - so at least with this blog they can stop worrying about trivial little annoyances such as e-mails from me... (Dear friends, feel free to drop your links onto me!)

I've been watching a bit of old TV on line lately (Alias, Weeds, Peep Show) here is one of the better sites I've found where you can watch a lot of content for free. There are Movie Sites too, but the links do go down pretty quick (Borat was on for about 4-5 days..) worth looking if you're bored.

I'm not a massive fan of Anime ( I watched "Spirited Away" with my 4 year old daughter, which was beautiful) but one company that I find fascinating are tokyoplastic there website is definitely worth a look at। this is also awesome!

This is not Anime, or intellectually challenging, but just funny

Twilight Zone used to scare the shit out of me: now I can watch from behind the sofa again

This one is for my good brudder Barry: Word.

I don't know about you, but Noel Fielding's stupid face makes me piss myself : Every silly moment of 'The Mighty Boosh" is here (Series 1 & 2)

I'm Entering the Hell Mouth of Blog:

2007-03-12T22:44:00.000Z

My Girlfriend tells me I should get a hobby. Pah!. I'm perfectly happy siting around looking at needless shit on the Internet and laughing at silly bollocks on You Tube or something like that:

I like movies a lot, and spend too much time getting all nerdy over IMDB trivia (usually, at work I can get away with a couple of hours checking pointless facts about one film or another that I've watched the night before. That's a hobby, right?) I'm a 36 year old boy masquerading as a competent human. At least I don't have peoples' lives in my hands, they would be buggered if that were true.

I'm certainly hoping this might end up being a pointless dumping ground for stuff that I find slightly amusing, or at least a place where I can put all my empty thoughts out there, y'know, let them spill out needlessly onto a poor unsuspecting world.

Most likely there will be one other person who I connect with, who I'm certain will adopt a less than healthy interest in me. Here's hoping: